About not succeeding.

I am a resilient woman. Until there is a small inconvenience in my life that breaks me down. I believe in myself. Until I don’t succeed at something which then makes me doubt all my capabilities and achievements. Call me a perfectionist. Call me a spoiled child whose life has been easy and hence cannot deal with failure. There is some truth in all of that.

V: Do you have to be this way? Your super smart friend always says “Perfection is the enemy of the good”.

v: He does, and the rational part of my brain completely agrees. But deep down, failure is the enemy of my core beliefs. I cannot ever fail because I need to be perfect all the time!

V: You’ve read all the books and stuff that says that failure is not a bad thing, right?

v: I did. I imagine it applies to other people only.

V: Please, walk us through what is going in your mind when you fail.

v: Uf, it’s a lot of negative self-talk, not nice to hear actually. I lose all hope and motivation for the future. I take it as the end. I think of quitting the job, telling all my loved ones they shouldn’t talk to me anymore because I am a disappointment.

V: A bit dramatic, isn’t it? Although, I think you’re not alone in that kind of thinking when it comes to failure.?

v: I agree, a lot of people have it the same way. It takes a lot of effort to overcome that kind of thinking and learn to use failure as an opportunity to grow, to get better, to succeed at the end. First, you need to accept failure as a part of you and your life. You need to realize that it’s your expectations of yourself and what you think others expect of you that make you feel like a failure when reality is different from what you expected.

V:? Can you uncomplicate what you just said a bit?

v: I’ll try to use gym analogy, my favorite type of analogy. When you try something for the first time, like a pull up, and you cannot do it, do you see it as a failure? Well, you might, but even if that’s the case, it’s easier for you to know that it takes some training to get to that one pull up, and then some more to get to the second one. You don’t give up, you practice. You try, you fail. You try again, and fail again. With every failure you’re getting a bit higher and closer to your first successful pull up.

V: Hm, so instead of failure I can see it as a small, almost invisible improvement?

v: Exactly! And there is one more thing that helps me when those improvements are invisible for a really long time. Having supporters. Some people always believe in me, even when I am not successful yet, and having those people rooting for me through my failures, ehm, invisible improvements, is special. Sometimes it’s the irrational, unwavering admiration from your closest ones, other times super random video sent from a person you met a couple of weeks ago. ?

V: What if I don’t have those kind of people around me?

v: Firstly, of course you do, just pay more attention. Secondly, then be your own supporter and cheerleader.

V: Are you suggesting to root for myself when I fail? That doesn’t make sense.

v: Listen, I get it. But when you fail, or feel like you fail, you have two options. You can give in to that and abandon whatever you were doing. And sometimes it is a completely ok option. Or, just hear me out, you can move on. You can tell yourself that it’s a pity there was one badly calculated number in your analysis amongst the other 20 correct ones. You fix your mistake, understand what you did wrong, and continue smarter and improved. And you celebrate your amazing ability to upgrade.

V: Fine. I’ll try to. Before we end this, you wanted to share a quote, right?

v: Yeap. I was in Moco Museum in Barcelona, and there was this installation with a description that moved me, and it fits this topic beautifully: “As humans we undergo great pressures. Yet socially, failing is not accepted. Diamonds, made of carbon, go through incredible stress, to emerge as shining jewels and one of the strongest materials on earth. So can you. Life is messy and hard, but it makes us stronger. Celebrate your indestructible shine. Who are the diamonds in your life?”

Tips from Vicks

Exercise – Don’t be afraid to push your limits a?bit. One more set, 1kg more, or just one more rep.

Food – ?Learn your macros. Macronutrients are what your body runs on, you really should know the basics, what are carbs, fat, protein, what you need when. And yes, you need all of them, but there are a lot of ways how you can get them and how to combine it.

Mindfulness – Imagine a place, where you get calm, like a beach or a forest. Try to imagine as many details as possible, and let yourself get lost for a while there.

Work – When you are feeling overwhelmed with too many things, get a 10 minute walk on a fresh air. Your mind will get a break and straight out the priorities more easily.

Finance – Start saving for your retirement now.

Woman of the month – Judit Reigl. An abstract expressionism painter. I know nothing about her life, but I’ve seen her painting in one exhibition. I was so drawn into it, so I just assume she is an amazing woman. (You can google her art, you probably won’t like it. Let me know if you do, I’ll buy you a drink.)

Book of the month - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: Americanah. I wouldn’t call this book a masterpiece (like her We should all be feminists), but I couldn’t put it down. I enjoyed my time in this book so much, exploring how a woman from Nigeria navigates her life. So different from my experiences, yet so similar and relatable in some aspects.

Intention for the next month – Notice and root for someone who cannot see her invisible improvements.

Dance song of the month – slow dancing with my love (he doesn't know about it).