Succeeding at Relationships – The Missing Piece in “Success”

More people succeed at work than at relationships. This is because succeeding at work engages our survival instinct. It directly fulfils our self-interest - our needs for food, shelter, security and power, which enable our survival.

Self-interest is an extremely strong motivator. Succeeding at relationships needs the ability to think beyond our self-interest. We have to think beyond I, Me, Myself to have consideration for other people. It goes contrary to the all-powerful survival instinct. More people are motivated by self-interest than consideration for others, and that is why more people succeed at work than at relationships.

One can argue that being successful at work also needs relationships. Yes, that is also true. Better relationships with colleagues definitely improve our effectiveness at work. But, we all know of the political animals who maintain excellent relationships with people who can further their self-interest (boss and senior leaders), and don’t really care about others. Its called the classic “Kiss up and Kick down”. The sad truth is that this strategy also works. A lot of people can be successful at work this way, for fairly long durations of time, and accumulate significant material success.

Do the people who succeed this way at work find anything wrong with it? Difficult to say. Some may suffer guilt pangs, and some may not. But, in reality there is a problem. And its not merely the guilt that a few might struggle with. The problem can be acknowledged only when we give success a holistic meaning, which includes earning love and respect also as indicators of success.

There are people who are successful at work and not happy. A large part of their unhappiness stems from being unsuccessful at relationships. They tend to give more weightage to success at work, than to success at relationships.

It is more profitable to invest effort in office in return for a promotion, than spending quality time with our loved ones, and caring for them. In the former, the rewards are tangible and come fast enough. In the latter, the rewards are not tangible, and are realized over a longer period of time. Self-centered thinking, and the need for instant gratification does not care about the latter.

Succeeding at work requires competencies like drive, energy and some degree of intellect. The predominant payoffs from success at work are money, status and fame. Succeeding at relationships requires a more evolved set of competencies like empathy, kindness and generosity. The predominant payoffs from success at relationships are love and genuine respect.

Succeeding at relationships requires us to act from our higher self – the compassionate and forgiving part of ourselves. It is so much easier to act from our lower, basal selves, which engages only the survival instinct and activates the “taker” within us.

It is very difficult to act from the higher self. It needs us to activate the “giver” within us. Taking comes instinctively to us. Giving may need some deliberate thinking and effort. This is why earning money is relatively easier than earning love and genuine respect.

To succeed at relationships and earn love and respect, we need to overcome our lower instincts. The good part is that the effort spent in overcoming our lower instincts is not in vain. When we act from our higher selves - with consideration for others, the love and respect we earn significantly impact our happiness. It may seem paradoxical at first, since consideration for others seems to go against our survival instinct. But, in reality consideration for others is in our self-interest.

Happiness will elude us if we are unable to earn love and respect.

So how do we build better relationships?

To answer this, I will share the concept of the Emotional Bank Account from one of my favourite books – The 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen Covey.

Just as we have a bank account where we make deposits and withdrawals of money, we similarly have an emotional bank account in every relationship. The deposits are love, compassion, generosity, care, forgiveness, trust etc. Withdrawals are disrespect, manipulation, deceit, vicious conflict, toxicity etc. Its important that the most significant relationships in our life have a positive balance in their emotional bank account. A deficit is bound to hurt us and take away our happiness.

Covey describes 6 major deposits into an emotional bank account:

1) Understanding the individual - This means understanding what matters to them – their priorities, desires, likes and dislikes. You can do this only when you genuinely care about someone. Empathy, listening and spending time with a person go a long way in understanding him. Understanding a person can include letting go of your own agenda at times for the sake of this person, and because this relationship matters so much to you.

2) Keeping commitments – A very basic rule of relationships is keeping your word. Yet, this rule is flouted so often. Commit to what you can reasonably do, and then stick to that commitment.

3) Clarifying expectations – A lot of mistakes in relationships are made due to unclear expectations. Clarifying expectations requires dialogue, sincere questioning and listening. These are deep conversations which are to be approached with a genuine intent to understand what the other person seeks from you, what you seek from him, and what you can commit to each other. These are not one-time conversations. The need for them arises regularly because circumstances around us keep changing, making new demands on us which can destabilise relationships.

4) Attending to the little things - The little things show our love and respect. A phone call to check in, a hug, a smile, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on are some of the little things that make a BIG impact. They build trust, affection and warmth in the relationship.

5) Showing Personal Integrity - Integrity is the foundation of sound relationships. Duplicity and deceit have no place in healthy relationships. When you are open, honest and forthcoming with people, you build trust with them.

6) Apologizing When We Make a Withdrawal – Mistakes will happen. They are a part of life, but when we apologise sincerely, we make a deposit to fill in the deficit we caused with our mistake. If you regularly keep commitments and have integrity, then when you make a mistake nobody will doubt your intentions. When you apologise, they will understand that it was unintended.

Here is a small exercise for you:

Think of the most significant relationships in your life. Do you have a deficit or a surplus in your emotional bank accounts in these relationships? If there is a deficit, what actions will you take to bring it into surplus? If you have a surplus, continue with all the good things that you are doing.

#leadership #success

?Gulshan Walia - I am a leadership coach & HR consultant. My main areas of work are leadership development, coaching, behavioural skill workshops, performance management and HR processes. Here is an overview of my coaching practice. Drop me a note at [email protected] if you are interested.

View my website at?www.infinitzusconsulting.com?to learn more about my areas of work