The Subtle Comeback to the Subtle Put-Down

In a leap.club session yesterday on the art of subtle feedback, there was a question on how best to respond to a subtle put-down.

Put-downs are intended to belittle you and possibly, to provoke a reaction that ultimately reflects worse on you than the person who uttered the put down.

They can be things like:

''You look tired today.''

''What’s THAT you’re wearing.''

''Weren’t you able to prepare for this discussion?''

Responding effectively depends on:

-????????? Your own authentic style – how you feel most comfortable responding?

-????????? The situation – are others around?

-????????? The frequency of such comments – is this a consistent trend?

-????????? The relative power – is this person senior to you and open to a comeback?

-????????? The group culture – is this an accepted behaviour?

Why It’s Hard to Respond

A subtle put-down isn’t overly aggressive, and could be interpreted (or countered) as genuine concern, so you need to balance making your point with not seeming overly sensitive.

It’s a time to blend emotional intelligence, confidence and the appropriate level of assertiveness with a come back that gels with who you are.

Using Humour

If you’re comfortable and known for using light humour and a gentle laugh, you can neutralize the comment without escalating tension:

Put-down: “You look tired today.”

Comeback: “Interesting observation! Are you offering coffee, too?”

Put-down: “Didn’t you prepare for this part of the discussion?”

Comeback: “I’d love to hear what you were expecting—can you share?

Put-down: “What’s THAT you’re wearing.”

Comeback: “I didn’t know this was a fashion house. Did I come to the wrong meeting?”

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Hand Back Ownership

You could show interest in seeking a better understanding and ask for clarification. By doing this, you put the ownership on them, possibly causing them to backtrack.

In these situations, you express curiosity, rather than aggression or hurt.

Put-down: “What’s THAT you’re wearing?”

Comeback: “What do you mean by that?”

Put-down: “It seems you didn’t know we were discussing this today.”

Comeback: “Are you saying the agenda changed?”

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Redirect the Conversation

Stay on your terms and instead of engaging with the negativity, steer the conversation in a constructive, professional direction – displaying the corresponding energy.

?Put-down: “You look tired today.”

Comeback: “Actually, I feel great! Let’s talk about [the topic].”

Put-down: “Didn’t you prepare for this?”

Comeback: “I came prepared to discuss X. Are you looking to discuss something else?”

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Call it Out

Calling it out is effective when a more direct response is required. It may be when you notice a peer is consistently making such comments, or when you need to immediately assert authority.

Put-down: “It seems you didn’t know we were discussing this today.”

Comeback: “That feels like a dig — was that your intention?”

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Assert Your Self-Assurance

If the objective is to make you feel insecure, show your confidence.

Put-down: “What’s THAT you’re wearing?”

Comeback: “Something I love. Shall we get to the agenda?’’

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Silence

Directing your gaze at the person, maintaining a pause, and then speaking to the topic at hand, can be powerful.

You might also direct a slight pitying or quizzical look towards the person before moving on.

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Voice Concern

If the pattern persists, you might take the person aside and voice concern for how such put-downs are damaging their reputation as a professional co-worker.

If done tactfully, if you have an otherwise respectful relationship with them, and if this behaviour is pervasive, you might be successful in causing them to reflect on their use of put-downs – and cause them to change it.

Share the evidence – the behaviour you observed, highlight the impact and provide space for a response – and give them the benefit of the doubt, they may not realize how their comments are coming across. The energy you bring to this discussion is genuine professional concern.

The flow could be along the lines of:

“I wanted to check in. I’ve noticed a few comments that feel undermining, and that’s not the impression I’m used to from you.”

“I wanted to bring it up because I know you’re a respected colleague, and I wouldn’t want those moments to overshadow that.”

“Is that how you intended it, or is something else going on?”

Voicing concern can backfire, so when should you avoid it?

If you fear they may become defensive, or the pattern may escalate, or if this is a one-off, it may be worthwhile avoiding this approach.

And if you feel their behaviour is consistently toxic, the other approaches may be more effective – as may addressing this through more formal processes and feedback mechanisms.

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The topic of the leap.club discussion was the subtle art of feedback.

Feedback is a gift. It’s always insightful.

And sometimes the insights relate to the giver, more than you as a recipient.

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?? Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership

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Andrea Stone is an executive coach and educator, working with leaders in technology-driven global organizations to support their continued growth and success. She creates engaging programmes that build self-awareness, self-management and self-leadership, so that leaders can lead themselves even more effectively – as well as their teams.