A Substitute for Wit

This is an introduction written to one of my www.internet.for.everyone column in The Island newspaper in 2004 (A Substitute for Wit, A Review of Quotation Websites). Enjoy. I consider it one of the funniest I have written, though with lots of help from literature and some enjoyable internet searching.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

-W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)

If you do not believe so, read on.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half (Gracie Allen, 1906 - 1964). My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it (Mark Twain, 1835 - 1910). When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear (Jack Handey).

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But, when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years (Mark Twain). I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddamn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble (John Wayne, 1907 - 1979).

My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there (Indira Gandhi, 1917 - 1984). There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle (Albert Einstein, 1879-1955). 

I was taught that everything is attainable if you are prepared to give up, to sacrifice, to get it. Whatever you want to do, you can do it, if you want it badly enough, and I do believe that. I believe that if I wanted to run a mile is four minutes I could do it. I would have to give up everything else in my life, but I could run a mile in four minutes. I believe that if a man wanted to walk on water and was prepared to give up everything else in life, he could do that (Stirling Moss). The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do (Walter Bagehot). I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk (Oprah Winfrey).

I think, therefore I am (Rene Descartes (1596-1650). I think, therefore I am - I think (Howard Schneider) Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1898). I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean (G. K. Chesterton, 1874 - 1936). It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean (Mae West, 1892 - 1980).

Everything has been figured out, except how to live (Jean-Paul Sartre, 1905-1980). Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money? (Ogden Nash, 1902 - 1971). Happiness is not a buy-product (Norman Vincent Peale). Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They're a different breed of dog (Josh Billings). Happiness is like a cat; if you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you, it will never come. But if you pay not attention to it and go about your business, you’ll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap (William John Bennett).

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation (Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900). Some for renown on scraps of learning dote, and think they grow immortal as they quote (Edward Young, 1683 – 1765).

I rest my case. All the above quotations above—22 in all—were taken from just two websites. Today let us go in search of websites which will provide you with quotations to last a few lifetimes. If as a result you wish to throw away your old books of quotation, please send them to me. I am always living at wit’s end!

Note: Most of those sites quoted are no more, so I am just publishing the introduction. And my links may be dead links as well, so apologies on that front.

Please share your thoughts. I haven't written an original article in my name in ages because I am now mostly into full time ghostwriting (when not training) and therefore, get my writing kicks by writing under the names of other people.

So if any one of you needs my services, for LinkedIn or corporate blogging and social media content, I am open to the idea. Especially LinkedIn articles.