Styles of Communication

I had the most interesting experience this morning as I was on the train heading back home. There was a white woman on the train attempting to talk with a small group of black kids and she was basically psychoanalyzing them about their behavior and telling them about deep breathing. Although I knew her attempts were genuine, I also knew that if I did not quickly diffuse the situation it is likely to take a wrong turn. I invited this woman to come and sit in the seat next to me and she did, but then she began talking to me about black people and what we need to do including deep breathing. Finally, I politely asked her to stop talking, but she continued, so I told her to "SHUT UP" and here are all the reasons why she should.

(1) I asked "what do you really know about black people?" she responded "not a lot."

(2) Next I asked "Would it be fair for me to say that you are clueless to what it is like being a black person living in trauma embedded communities "aka" the hood?" She responded no.

(3) I ended my conversation with her by sharing that while I am not saying "deep breathing" is not a great technique, it is just not a great fit for all. Many black people including myself reserve our breathing to be used in the event that we need to run for cover and we just do not know when that might be. The average black person do not have families with weekend cabins or summer vacation homes so we find ways to deal with what we are forced to live with, but many of us attempt at doing so safely while maintaining what is left of our sanity. Those of us that are parents, have parents, a spouse, family, friends, a neighbor including the person we always see in the neighborhood ~ we worry whenever they are outside, get on the train, go to the supermarket or get on the bus, just to name a few.

I aksed her if she knew how high my blood pressure was because I live in constant fear for my safety, that I have never lived in a building where someone was murdered, a person was attempting to jump off of the roof ~ the same person the police shot 6 times and killed after he returned to my building fighting with his girlfriend, or that I had been walking down the street before noon and a car stopped across the street, a man got out of the car and walked up to a man and shot him 7 times in the back of his head, then calmly got back into his car and drove off. Then I asked her if she knew how it was possible for me to still maintain my sanity? She said no. I responded here is why: As a seasoned Behavioral Coach I utilize my tools, I pray, talk to my God, follow my gut, mind my business and make moves only when I have to do so. She said "wow" this sounds like something that she could use in her practice and got up to get off of the train at the next stop. Before she exited the train, I said to her that black people are not "Guinea Pigs" or "Rats" that you can practice coaching with. Incase you have not noticed we lost many of our people to Covid, gun violence, our emotions are running extremely high and we are leaders not testmates. This woman held the train door open and said "you are amazing and I am inspired by your knowledge" and asked me for my phone number and I gave it to her.

This woman called me and the first thing she did was apologize and I said "I am not angry with you for not knowing what you simply do not know and my purpose for reaching out to you on the train was to save your life." The phone went dead for a minute and then she said if she could pay me to educate her and thanked me for teaching her some very valuable lessons on the train.

Once she exsited the train I was able to have a meaningful conversation with the youths on the train and it went very well. They started off by telling me what they were about to do to her ~ but now they were glad they did not act on their emotions and "my bad", gave my a high-five and smiled at me getting off of the train.

I shared this story because as a black woman I know that at times when we as people of color engage people not of color and they say certain things it is not always intended to be a racial motive, it is just purely innocent that they really do not know. I did a self assessment on this and found that in addition to this woman not really knowing, perhaps my response of "shut up" should have been "It would be most helpful if you stop talking." And during my conversation with her on the phone I pointed that out to her and despite her saying that it was alright, it was not alright with me as a professional, that black woman that fights to correct the "angry black person" sterotyping we are always being defined as. Let this be a lesson to all of my subscribers black, white and those in between.