Stuff we don't talk about

As Benjamin Franklin famously said:?

?“in this world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes"?

It is interesting that despite the inevitability of both, these are two subjects that in general, no one wants to talk about (though I suspect my Tax Advisory colleagues at Deloitte would query the latter subject, which they talk about a lot).?

There does appear to be something of an omerta when it comes to talking about death.?We are often reluctant even to use the word itself, instead skirting around the topic with a selection of euphemisms: passed on; moved over; deceased; demised; departed; met one’s maker; … (… the observant reader might be picking up what it at the back of my mind here??It’s all getting a bit Monty Python?)

So: why am I writing this in a bit of a departure from my normal musings around the topic of SAP??

Having recently suffered the death of my partner, I guess this is part cathartic exercise, part in the hope that this may be of some help to others unfortunate enough to find themselves in a similar situation. I therefore thought I would share some of what I have learned, and some of what has helped me through this difficult time.

Grief

We have all no doubt read about the five stages of grief, the theory developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).?I am not sure that theories are particularly helpful here, as to me, the experience of bereavement is an intensely personal thing, and we are all different.?My scepticism was further validated when I discovered that the original theory was in fact developed in relation to the process patients with terminal illness go through as they come to terms with their own death – and let’s face it, the death of a loved one is a very different prospect to one’s own demise.?

My personal experience was that the main manifestation was extreme physical tiredness, and perhaps an extrapolation of my normal inability to suffer fools gladly.?

It’s odd what triggers grief too… for me, it was simple and unexpected things – for example a picture of a dog with a sad expression that my mum sent (see above), or a touching message – but you never know quite when or where it will strike.

What has helped me get through this

Personally, I have found that a fairly simple recipe has helped:

Family: the people who are always there for you.?However, often in different ways to how you (or they) imagine.?As an example, my mum wanted to come down and immediately look after us.?However, in the aftermath, actually, what worked best was for me and the kids to just spend time together with junk food and trashy TV (in our case, vampire comedy hit the spot, binge watching What We Do in The Shadows).?I suspect my mum wouldn’t consider Doritos and wine (other brands of tortilla chips ARE available…) a nourishing dinner – but it worked for me…

Friends: messages of support; dog walks; coffee… it has all meant a huge amount to me

Neighbours: everybody needs good neighbours (sorry – showing my age – but I want to start singing there…).?I am extremely lucky to live in a really special community… a delivery of frozen food; fresh cookies on the doorstep; little conversations and messages… it’s just really good to know that there are folks right next door in case of emergency!

Work: Having a supportive workplace really helps – and without wanting to sound cheesy – not only ?Deloitte, but also my client team have been really good to me. I am a big proponent of diversionary activity... and actually, getting back to work has been hugely helpful on this front.

The dog: The lockdown puppy is now all grown up and turned therapy pet.?Whilst cuddling a slightly aloof whippet is a bit like snuggling up next to a bag of spanners, there is undoubted comfort to be had, and the need for continuity for a pet drive a degree of normality.?You still need to get up every morning to ensure his needs for a pee and a poo, biscuits, walkies, and more biscuits are met.?Undoubtedly, he is grieving too, though less able to understand what has changed, other than the supply of snacks delivered from the table at mealtimes having somewhat dried up.?However, for both of us, getting outdoors and into nature regularly is undoubtedly of huge benefit.?Seeing the changing seasons reminds us of how the world keeps turning whatever else has happened.?Currently we are enjoying autumn, foraging for sloes and rose hips (me – with an evil gin-based agenda) and squirrels (him – just because - somewhat less successfully).?

CAVEAT: if you don’t already have a dog, DO NOT get one at this point in time (I recall dealing with a puppy being an order of magnitude harder than having a newborn child).

Admin: there is A LOT of it!!!

part i: the official stuff

There is just a tonne of stuff to do: letting people know; working out who to let know; and actually, breaking the news can be really hard.?Then, there is a tonne of telling officialdom (HMRC; banks, credit cards; DVLA…probably all sorts of things that I still haven't uncovered).?Brace yourself for varying degrees of organisations being great vs hugely insensitive (not looking at a certain credit card provider who just randomly cut off my card, yet wouldn’t provide me with a full statement to pay off as apparently I was only an ‘additional card holder’).?Thick skin is definitely required.

Organising a funeral also feels like the last thing you want to do – I can’t thank my brother in law enough here – and likewise, friends who came forward to actually speak at the ceremony

part ii: the domestic end

Don’t underestimate the amount of effort it takes to do what ought to be the simplest tasks.?Finding the signed copy of my partner’s will took nearly 3 days.?I had the (unsigned) electronic version; and a hard copy of the previous version annotated with a date when it was superceded.?However, it took several days; turning 3 filing cabinets inside out; and a retracing of steps through old diaries to see who might have been visiting at that point in the covid lockdown, before I eventually happened upon it in the ‘to be filed once new office is fitted out’ heap of paperwork.?Maybe that’s just a reflection on my total inability to handle basic admin??Even when you are provided with most of the information you need, getting access to things like online information can be equally complicated, (I am still being kept endlessly occupied by the selection of cryptic clues as to the passwords to all the various online accounts.).

It has certainly made me think that I need to make sure my own affairs are better in order: cue more admin!!

part iii: more officialdom

Just when you thought it was all over, it’s time to deploy the lawyers and launch into the whole process of probate… and that’s a whole further learning journey… what is covered (a whole lot… driving a need to get all sorts of valuations done: on cars / house (cue visits from gleeful estate agents no doubt wanting a look round a property that hasn’t been on the market in a long time) / possessions etc); and what is not (e.g. pensions… a whole additional layer of admin to pick up!)

… and a word of warning… apparently the probate process is very slow (thing 6 months plus!!)

Finally – some wise words

Of all the messages of support I have received over this period, one in particular struck a chord, which was this, from my wonderful godmother (who is a writer - hence the undoubted eloquence) reflecting on the loss of her own husband.?I hope she won’t mind me sharing:

“The future will quickly fill their (… the kids…) lives with new experiences and excitements.?Yours will, too, but more slowly.

Your great uncle was the love of my life, and I miss him still.?But my days are full, and I am grateful for the friends and family and work that fill it.?

It took time to arrive at this stage…”

Ultimately, life always goes on – and sometimes, it’s a case of keeping on putting one foot in front of the other….