STUDYING THE SUBTLE

One of the edges I’m leaning into these days is my capacity to make stuff happen.

While some people struggle with taking action over top of whatever is present for them, I learned (maybe “was trained” is a better description) how to show up and do what needed to be done, regardless of how I was feeling.

In sports, when other people were tired, or just wanted to play, I was reliable to lace my shoes back up, get out there, and do drills. Grinding through the times when things aren’t easy has never really been the edge for me.

But lately, I’m more interested in connecting with what is really going on inside me, and letting that be the starting point for everything that happens next.

I set aside time every morning to sit down and write, but often, I show up and writing doesn’t seem that interesting.

One option is to write anyway, and that’s served me well. It’s made me reliable to create content on a consistent basis, write two books and create a whole ton of content (much of which you can access for free here: https://adamquiney.com/resources).

Powering through that feeling hasn’t felt so compelling lately. So instead, I do the next thing, and get busy doing something else. Usually I get busy not writing.

What that means is that I go and do something that is kind of enjoyable, but not really what I would choose, left to my own devices. Like, maybe I go and use the time I’ve set aside in the morning to play video games.

And that’s all fine and good, but I’m not really playing video games because that’s what I want to, or what I’m committed to. I’m just doing it to fill the time I’ve set aside.

While I’m now honouring that I don’t feel like writing, I’m not getting any deeper into what is really there for me. I’m just finding a new way to not be with it.

The edge is to set aside doing anything altogether, and just sit.

When I sit, I go quiet, and start to feel into whatever is there for me in this moment to be felt.

Sadness, grief, fear — these have all been my companions in the early mornings.

I don’t feel these feelings in a big way — like, it’s not like I’m overwhelmed or swamped with what I’m feeling. Being overwhelmed would almost be easier, because at least that would be a big experience.

Instead, I’m engaged in studying my subtlety.

That’s harder for me because it’s a quieter experience, and a quieter experience usually leads to more stillness.

That’s really where my resistance shows up. Sure, there’s some fear, but it feels small, and so… how long do I have to sit here and be with this? Is it really worth it? Am I really even feeling anything? Am I just wasting my time?

When I was young, I learned to shut large parts of myself down, and consequently, I often end up craving HUGE experiences. I can generally sit inside a lot of emotion, or a lot of experience.

Sitting inside a?little?is the challenge.

It’s a slow practise. Things don’t move quickly, and if they do, there’s probably something for me to look at.

There’s little to do.

And the less I do, the more I can discover.