Struggling in Your Relationship? Try this...

I was having a discussion with my son this morning about developing and maintaining relationships. Sometimes it "ain't" easy. But if you truly value that relationship, the effort is worth it. Relationships are an important part of life. From the casual acquaintance at work to our significant other, these relationships tend to ebb and flow. When it comes to very meaningful relationships like one’s significant other, issues that arise tend to negatively affect communication, problem solving, and reduce the frequency of positive interactions which often serves to kind of “snowball” the issue. It’s not unusual for emotions tied to the relationship AND our history across other relationships to lead us to behave in ways that we later regret. Sometimes the issue stems from a lack of skill. And still other times the issue might be related to a lack of awareness as people tend to be a poor observer of their behavior, the impact of their behavior in the relationship, and the impact of the other person’s behavior on their own behavior. And this includes their covert behavior, or behaviors that only we can observe like thoughts, emotions, and other bodily sensations. These behaviors, like our overt ones, serve some sort of function. 

Take feelings we might “tact” or label “depression.” While others might not be able see them, we certainly can. Depression is often linked to a set of context related behaviors that are understandable given a person’s history and current life’s circumstances (Addis & Jacobson, 2001). Unfortunately, these behaviors can be very unproductive as they lead people away from who and what they value as they frequently serve primitive escape and avoidance functions (Cordova & Jacobson, 1997). For example, the person who is mad in a relationship might yell and blame the other person to get their point across. While they might “win the battle,” ultimately they lose the war as the failure to engage in more productive behavior has led them further away from their partner. Under these conditions, they might feel a sense of satisfaction that they “won” the argument, but they fail to notice it may have been a backwards step. In some cases, many backwards steps.     

Unfortunately, people get stuck in a kind of loop behaving this way because of the immediate outcome experienced. This habit or rigid approach to responding constantly chips away at the relationship and often results in even less communication and interactions because the very presence of the partner begins to feel bad as its been paired with something negative. So how do you fix this?Well, a very good start is for you to begin to become a better observer of your own behavior in the relationship and the short- and long-term outcomes of this behavior. This means noticing the unwanted emotions and thoughts tied to a given situation, noticing how you behave towards your partner at the time they are being experienced, noticing how your partner responds and how react to that. When you begin to notice your own thoughts and feelings and link them to unproductive behaviors that often serve to move you away from the person you value, you’ve taken a HUGE step. 

But noticing isn’t enough. You must also determine what you should commit to doing that will be more productive and serve to strengthen the valued relationship. So, instead of yelling as in the example above, it might be that you need to commit to taking a deep breath and use "I" statements to express yourself. Or perhaps sometimes it's practicing forgiveness by accepting your partner said something to you that made you upset, but responding in a more productive way. Or it it might be teaching them, at the right time, more productive ways to communicate with you under different conditions. A couple of behaviors to be mindful of that are universal to successfully communicating are:

• Listen to your partner. Look for the true meaning. Even strong communicators struggle across different conditions, so try to determine what is it they are really trying to get across.
• Be honest about how you are feeling, but mindful of how you communicate it (e.g. use "I" statements). It's not about your intent, but your impact. Sometimes you must take small steps or approximations to sharing you feel if you have never done it before so your intent is received as intended. Remember, the person has their own history so you must consider that and "shape" the communication from there
• Pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. These "micro" behaviors if you will can communicate much to a partner. Sometimes it's represents exactly your intent, and other times it's misinterpreted. But you must be mindful. Even the slightest change in your tone of voice can completed alter how your communication is being received

Just like you, your partner is a product of their own experiential history. It can take time to "unravel" and commit to behaviors that compete with the unproductive ones. When I say commit, it means engaging in the "correct" behavior if you will, even in the presence of those unwanted thoughts and feelings. That’s when it’s the toughest time…but yet that’s usually when it’s the most important. During those moments, you must notice and accept how you are feeling, and then engage in the very specific behaviors you’ve determined will lead you towards the person you value. If you truly value that relationship, doing this will strengthen it.

Now you might think, "I don't have time for all that." If you are thinking that, you might need to reevaluate how important the relationship is to you. Remember, relationships take effort. When the effort becomes greater than the positive experiences associated with the relationship, one or both people will try to escape. But sometimes you must take a step back and consider what it would be like to not have that relationship. Are you better with that person? Is the relationship providing "synergy" towards a shared commitment? Are you holding up your end of the relationship or perhaps expecting more from that person and giving less? Does the person recognize their own behaviors related to issues in the relationship? These are all things you should be mindful of beyond the immediate aversive thoughts and emotions associated with a negative experience like an argument. 

Every relationship is different, and relationships serve different functions across contexts. Fortunately, there are is a ton of literature available that might help you to identify more productive ways of recognizing, managing, and engaging in productive behaviors that move you towards who and what you value. I’ve written some stuff about it in my LinkedIn articles, and my brother Brett DiNovi has a ton of videos available through our Behavioral Karma Channel that might help. I’ve linked one below that is related to Acceptance Commitment Therapy (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson (1999), or ACT, which is at the root of my discussion above. You might think of ACT as the behavior science of mindfulness. It’s very powerful. I personally use it so help me achieve better outcomes, I help my loved ones use the approach, and I also use it as a leader at BDA and coach in MMA to help others become more aware of themselves and the impact of their behaviors.  Also, I've learned so much from Dr. Kevin Polk and the use of the ACT Matrix. You should check out some of his work!

References

Cordova, J. V., Jacobson, N. S., & Christensen, A. (1998). Acceptance versus change interventions in behavioral couples therapy: Impacton couples’ in-session communication. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 24, 437–455

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. New York: The Guilford Press.

Martell, C., Addis, M., & Jacobson, N. (2001). Depression in context. Strategies for guided action. New York: Norton.