Struggling With Your Boss?

Help! My manager makes me anxious because I don’t know what they want from me.?

Help! My boss expects things that are unreachable.?

Help! I think my manager doesn’t like me or think I’m doing a good job.

These are questions I get from my community almost everyday. Here’s a recent variation, posed by a listener on Christine Koh’s Edit Your Life podcast:?

“I noticed my manager treats me differently. I don’t think he likes me. I recently got a leadership role in the agency I work for, and that was a big deal for me. I now feel very deflated and struggle to not let him get under my skin. How does one do that? How does one pursue their dream job in these conditions? Context? He's chaotic, seems to have a short-term memory and is very reactive. I don't have to work with him every day, but our one-on-ones are something I dread. I even made them monthly instead of weekly!” -- Deflated

Wow, I can relate. I once moved offices because my manager made me so anxious I couldn’t deal with seeing him everyday! The truth is, I wanted to know if he thought I was doing a good job but I was scared to ask.?

Often, our managers make us anxious because we don’t understand what they expect of us and they don’t understand how we feel. There’s a mismatch of expectations.

Entrepreneur and NYT Bestselling author Chip Conley joined me on The Anxious Achiever this week- and I asked him how to align on expectations and manage a manager who makes you anxious.

How to correct a mismatch? First, Chip says, establish some variables:

• Do you want to stay at the company? Do you want to stay in your current job?
• Do you trust and respect the boss?
• Does the boss have your best interest at heart? Do they want you to succeed??
• Do you like the culture of the company?
• Are you clear on your own expectations, and do they feel right to you??

Assuming you want to stay put, you have several options. Here are my favorites.

Talk to your boss. Prepare for a conversation. Chip suggests laying out the facts as you see them and presenting them from your perspective: “I want you to understand my mindset and my perspective on this. And some of the way I'm seeing it may not be accurate. I look forward to you telling me where I'm wrong, but let me tell you how, what I'm seeing.” Present 8, 10, 12? facts and say, “Based upon these facts, this is my primary concern about what you're expecting. These are the facts. And the resulting perspective I have is leading me to a concern that I'm at odds with you.”?

And then see what happens. Chip notes, if you lay out the facts, they may say, “You've made a good case here. Or they may say, Hey, six of your 10 facts I think are just mistaken, and here's why I think they're mistaken. And then you have a really thoughtful conversation.?

(Chip suggests employing metaphor as a way to communicate the uncertainty. “Metaphors help to take complex ideas and make them really clear.” Sometimes when I’m trying to feel my way in a bumpy relationship with a new client I’ll say, “I feel like a teenager here…trying to figure out how I fit in here!” Metaphors can provide humor and common ground.)?

Reduce Anxiety Through Clarity. When people have different expectations, we’re anxious because we don’t know what success looks like. Deflated has a boss who probably is very anxious himself and struggles to contain that or put appropriate guardrails around his management and leadership. And so when you have a messy, chaotic, reactionary person that you work with, one of the best ways you can calm them down and thus make your life easier, is to be really clear with them. You might actually have to meet with him more often to establish a clearer way forward.

MIT Professor and work expert Bob Pozen told me, “I advocate that you explicitly agree on success metrics within a timeframe, so that you and your boss know what are the results that will constitute success.” It’s unfair when we have to manage our managers, but making expectations clear and measurable (think SMARTIE goals) reduces anxiety.

Create Your Own Boundaries. I’m sure Deflated wants to tell her boss, “you make me really anxious because you're really reactionary and you only operate in the short term and you're chaotic and you don't even seem to like me.” But maybe she can’t do that. If you can’t have a frank conversation with your boss, you need to protect your own boundaries.?

With practice, you can be your own cheerleader when meeting with a boss who makes you anxious. The idea is to create positive or neutral self-talk that protects you and gives you confidence so you can tell yourself, “Yes, this is making me anxious but I have a plan for that. He's chaotic and we have our meeting in two days and I'm feeling nervous, but I've done X, Y, and Z, I've been as clear as him as possible. I recently got this leadership role for a reason. I matter, my work is great, and this person is doing their own thing, and I can't control that.”

One of the great pieces of advice that gets passed around all the time is to keep a “clips file,” or a “brag file.” I actually keep a running list of feedback on my podcast. When I'm feeling low or I have imposter feelings or someone makes me feel like I’m not good enough, I read the feedback! You can also keep your sales goals, performance ratings, or whatever else piece of physical evidence keeps you feeling good.?

Because here’s the thing: some people are assholes. Deflated’s boss may not like her, or he may feel threatened by her. He may have stuff going on in his personal life that affects her mood. Sometimes people are bad managers. Society is biased and gendered and racist and patriarchal and managers can be, too. Maybe, he will never change.

So, to Deflated and to anyone struggling with their manager: remember that this is not probably about you and it may be about forces way beyond anything that you can control. We can’t control other people, but we can protect ourselves and set ourselves up for success.

Morra