Struggle or success to the #Inniverse

I am struggling, I wish there was a voice who would just tell me what to do. I’d do it no questions asked but just need some light.?

Are you feeling this? Does the above speak to you or sound like you??

I’d want to say, I am sorry you’re stuck but I won’t. I am happy we’re here, reading this, instead.?

I am happy, not because I am glad you’re?in pain but because I can see what you can’t. On the outside, I see a whole human, able bodied (however you wish to define yourself). You have come this far with this body you have. So you are, a) abled-bodied.?

I see you breathing. I see you alive.?

I see you asking for help, I see that as brave.

I see you wanting to move, move away from where you know you don’t like something. I see knowledge.?

I see you don’t want to stay put in what you think is this chaos. I see identifying what is not working for you, which is so much more important than knowing what does.?

Most importantly, I see you embracing life by giving it a chance, believing in it even when you don’t believe in yourself.?

Now, coming to you, you who is struggling. I want you to quickly (don’t take too long) go get yourself a snack/chai you love because I will be going to need you to read this.?

Why should you read and make time for what I have to say? Because I, able-bodied fellow human have been bedridden for over a year. I am only just beginning to move. While I was crippling in pain, I had a full time job managing sensitive communication advocacy and information for 11 countries. I also design and code so I was also always?plugged in to my laptop/desktop lying down with my neck now beginning to hurt, my eyes over strained by lying in bed and working non-stop to deliver ‘global’ communication quality output and my digestive system slowly giving up because my tailbone was broken (also my glute, and an injured lumbar sacrum, fluid lots of fluid and internal bleeding). That’s just how the body responds in such a situation so the area in repair is not over-pressured. The body knows what repair means. It helps repair by pausing what it thinks it unnecessary load, which can wait. My bum triggered a sign in my brain that stopped making me hungry, so I do not eat, and if I do not eat my pelvis is not under pressure to perform regular chores. When I rest, I could only lie on my left for as long because lying on my right would be pressure on the stomach area. The left is where I am injured most. Lying on the left on the injury restricted my lying down to not more than 8-9 minutes max in one go. I cannot sit (duh, did you read above) and I cannot lie long, which means I would walk (thank god) a lot. I was slow, but it was less painful than standing still because the injured lumbar and glute could not carry my weight too long. The spine tried to support but it was busy sending more healing that focusing on making me happy, it was doing its job. My legs were tired of walking all day, my calves hurt my feet were always sore. The constant pain + the induced pain by walking - hunger - fuel to keep going made me slow =?gave me headaches, never-ending long, pulsating headaches. Breathing in was more painful than breathing out. Moving was a nightmare. It took me a good 30 - 34 minutes of solid excuses and self-soothing reasons of why I did not need to use the ladies room, or trick my self into my new entertainment modes of how long could I hold it in me. I held my breath and timed it - that was my new game. It’s not like I did not have people around me, just calling out to them would mean ‘movement’ and that would hurt, so I found new things about me, to amuse me ; did you know nails grow about 3.5 millimetres per month or that there are 27 bones, 29 joints and at least 123 named ligaments in the human hand. I measured every month (actually weeks) and counted what was in my immediate vision. Also, an average scratch on my skin would take about 2.7 days to completely heal. My most favourite finding about my body was my eyes blink about 18,934 times a day (I was not sleeping, DO NOT JUDGE) and this one was hard to calculate because I had a toxic work colleague who called every 3 minutes (also timed), so I had to do this one very many times to discover.?

You get the drift (if you don’t, I am basically sharing my struggle to tell you I may know a bit about it to share with you the findings so they help you)

But this struggle, while I continue and not much may have changed for me materially, in the physical world, has taught me things I would not have learnt left to my own hectic routines. I would never make time to learn things about my body. How to have fun with pain. How to trick pain by moving just a little and waiting for it to find it’s path back again. Legit follow the whole cycle of drinking any fluid and timing the out. It took time I won’t lie - when I started off, it was all just dark, outside and inside. Inside was eery dark I knew nothing about my body and the moment I closed my eyes I could feel things more (apparently it’s a thing which I also know now, but that’s for another time) but the more time I spend with myself the more light I found in my insides. I am susceptible to my likes and dislikes far more than I have ever been. I am conscious of my surroundings and my energies. I am aware of my breathing and how when its controlled, so is my mind and when I loose track, it’s sign of my mind having left the playground a few seconds ago, spiralling on a new level unknown to me. I know now, humming is the easiest trick to not think bad thoughts (caught ya, glad you tried), and that holding you breath in that pause cleans out EVERY thought in your mind - it’s impossible to think during that pause (fact). ?

1. The struggle taught me, I do not need to be everywhere at all times to make the most of my life. On my own I am very entertaining and that I have my best friend within me, my soul. We talk, we laugh, we go back into major deja-vu spots ; nice ones, and flush away the not so nice ones. But we like being together. I know now, I am never alone, I am always supported and I am always with my own company to begin with. In addition, I learned who wanted to be my company (read, not who I wanted as company). Who cared to make me laugh but just about enough so it did not hurt. Who knew I needed a hug but didn’t hold to hard. Who could tell I was about to fall apart but a gentle boop on my nose would send those tears back down the duct and I’d be back to being happy again. I learned who needed me around enough that they would come get ‘bored’ watching me sleep and not say a word because I could not.?I learned over this struggle who spend sleepless nights to make sure the moment I opened my eye, I had company. I realised I had people who would choose the slowest route to make sure I was walking comfortably when I could. I realised the world is not outside but inside me, around me immediately in my own vicinity and it’s way more beautiful than any scenic travel one could take, solo/with friends - its incomparable.?
2. At work, I did not take a day off (because I was told I cannot :p) but I learned now, when I look back through memories so blurry (I was medicated and in pain, uhh, excuse me) that even at my worst, my technical skills given to me by my teachers at schools and universities was so engrained that I could pull off ‘global quality’ content even in my sleep (winks). I have always been grateful and never take my work for granted by this struggle taught me how important passion is to succeed. It rode away my pains with a new narrative and design, colour scheme et all, by enabling me to think about other happier things and kept me in high productive spirits at all time. Design and storytelling make me happy - happy enough to make me forget the pain I am in. Every hour. Everyday.?I learnt that If there was something I wanted to achieve, I had the strength in me. I did not need to freelance, or look outside of my own self to deliver what?I had committed to. Every time my pain popped up I would breathe and bring my mind back to what needed to be done. I had the choice of focusing on the pain (and I played it a few times out loud) where I cried, and let my self loose around family (people I trust) who spoke to me like my mind would when I was not in pain - reminding me of my goals, that this was temporary, and that I got this and times when I choose to not let the pain get to me and deliver like my role required me too. There were days when I chose neither and just staying still, holding my body close to me is all I did - and I don’t regret it, because it takes me to the most significant finding.?
3. Outside of myself, this struggle taught me, time is permanent. The universe remains the way you wish to see it - moving or still. Happy or sad. The clock may keep ticking but it’s not your clock, it’s the one the human’s have accepted as their ‘normal’ to go by. My time is not shared. It’s unique to me, like everyone has their own. Diffrenciating my time from the time we go by was critical. Before I hit this struggle, I ran around on the time the world gave me. Today, as I heal, I remain conscious of my time. Not me time (read, where I make time for myself) because I know, all my time, is mine, and how I wish to use it or not, is my choice. My biggest strength. 2) The universe and my time are working with me. When I move, I see movement, when I sit still in my thoughts I control how my thoughts move and here I refer to the universe inside of me. Most importantly, even when I give up on the universe (read, physical body and my inner strength) the universe (my body and the one we know, outside, the larger scheme of things) never gave up on me. It continued to do its job - healing on my physical body and my inner self sync with the outside through multiple means of communications some new, some known.?

Our struggles are scary. Everyone talks about how hard life can get, but within those moments life exists. That is key. We are alive. We are breathing. We are brave and we are willing to seek more knowledge about how to jump out of what we do not like. And if there is anything I have learnt from my constant shortcut approach of healing that when you do not learn the lesson life puts you in a learning mould (mine came with being bedridden) until you are stuck with having to learn that lesson. As I peep out of my cucoon into feeling strong as a butterfly ready to fly (dying to actually) I continue to learn how to walk then sit before I take off, but before I do, because oh boy I will, I wanted to tell you, I am happy you’re struggling, because it is now when you learn things about you and the world you live in that no school, or teacher in the world is even aware off. It is where magic should be found, it is where you will discover your best strengths and are forced to leave behind patterns that were too painful (pun intended).?

#CreatingKinderContent ? @Inniverse with Penguin Random House Penguin Random House TheSoul Publishing Renato Ventura Correia