The struggle for my authentic self

For many years I struggled with alcoholism. For fun, I topped it off with severe depression, anxiety, and debilitating fear of failure. As of writing this, I can tell you that my last drink was 311 days ago. 

Getting into sales and marketing was the perfect escape for me. Every day I got to come into work and put on a new mask. Whether it was a mask for my co-workers or my clients didn't matter I was happily escaping from myself for those working hours. In fact, I got so good at being someone else or being someone that I thought people wanted me to be that I didn't know where the masked man ended, and I began. 

I'm not writing this as a woe is me piece, and it's most definitely not to give anyone advice, it is about trying to find my authentic self. So, who or what is my/your authentic self? Well, it's a mixed bag sometimes, isn't it? As Dale Carnegie said, "when dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion." I mean even Spock had emotions.

You see, for me, feelings and emotions were these things that needed to put into jars, put the jars on the shelf and keep them there. They weren't for expressing to others. Unless I was drinking, then the lids on those jars came off and most of the time that ended badly for everyone; especially me.

I've learned a lot over the years about who I am and who I want to be. Getting to some of those realizations was not an easy task. It took some great therapy, medication, quitting alcohol and some very, very tough conversations with my loved ones. But through it all, I was fortunate to have friends, mentors, family, and co-workers believe in me and support me. What I've learned is that to be authentic is to be human. Talking about and showing people all of the good, bad, ugly and every other emotion in between. After all, that's what makes us human.