The Struggle of the Juggle is REAL

The struggle of the juggle comes up a lot in conversations with my clients and organisations that I work with – especially as I have long had a passion for supporting working mothers as they navigate growing their family while also progressing in their careers.

The demands of being a working parent have always been tough, but the post-COVID world has added new layers of complexity. With hybrid work now the norm, and technology continuing to evolve, finding ‘balance’ can feel like an endless juggling act.

So what does the struggle of the juggle really mean?

The struggle of the juggle refers to the challenges women face in balancing their roles at work and as a parent. It’s the delicate act of managing work responsibilities alongside family commitments, which often means compromising and constantly adjusting and can lead to feelings of overwhelm and guilt.? Adding to these challenges too is the reality that we still see women shouldering most of the household responsibilities.?

This is why we created the Whakakotahi Integration Model.

This is where the integration of SELF / MAHI (Work) / WHāNAU (Family) happens. We often talk about finding balance in our lives, but for me, this isn’t about finding balance, but about understanding how these three key areas integrate. And it’s that integration that can bring harmony to our lives. We are never in perfect balance, but when we’re integrating the important aspects, we can allow each specific area to expand when it needs to, all while being aware, adjusting and adapting along the way.??

Sometimes our family needs more from us, depending on that age and stage of our kids; sometimes work needs more from us, especially as we move into a new role; and sometimes we need more for ourselves, which might be time to ourselves, sleep or time for new learning. So rather than striving for all things to be equal all of the time, it’s about knowing that life with kids and a career, is a constant circle of compromise.?

What gets in the way?

Through the work I do with women, the key struggle I see is we simply try to fit too much into our buckets. We allow one aspect to expand, without reducing either of the others. Soon we have all of them with much more than we have capacity for. And what happens when a bucket has reached capacity? It starts to overflow and this impacts our wellbeing, our sleep and our stress levels. ??

Imagine having a 40l bucket for your 40 hour work week, and then, sitting beside that are two 30l buckets. Let’s say one of those two 30l buckets represents the weekend and the other bucket is for evenings/mornings.

Now, consider this:

• If you were to break down all of your activities during your work week – projects, meetings, networking, BAU, admin, and contingency – does this realistically fit within a 40l bucket?
• If you were to break down all of the activities you are wanting or trying to do during your time at home with family, friends, committees, sports, and also allowing for contingency (like sickness) – does this fit into your 30l bucket?

I would hazard a guess that the answer for many of us, is NO – on both counts.?

We often strive for perfection, but when the bucket is overflowing, it’s unrealistic to get it “right” or to inhabit a place where it feels like you are truly performing well. This is something I often see especially in high-achieving women, who have optimistic attitudes and often ?a default answer of “YES”. (I am very guilty of this too myself.)

What can you do about this?

You might be wondering if it is, in fact, realistic that we think we can grow our family alongside growing our careers. And we can, but there may be some things we need to consider in making it work.

The first thing I do is ask my clients – “do you need to do ALL of these things right NOW?” ?Do you need to be on the school committee this year? Do you need to volunteer to coach your son’s soccer team this year? Do the kids need to do three activities each this term? Do you need to say yes to the extra project at work right now?

I often have working mothers say to me: I feel like I am not doing anything well. They don’t feel like they are performing as well at work compared to before they had kids. They don’t feel like they are as present with their kids since they have gone back to work. They don’t have as much to give their partner or friends with so much going on.? If this sounds like you too, you are not alone.

1. My first piece of advice - lower your expectations, with performance and what you have realistically achieve. You were probably performing at 120% before kids. When it comes to friends and family, of course you want to spend time with them, but it is more important to have quality dedicated time than a vast quantity of it.
2. My second tip - look at what are you already doing that you can maximise or leverage. If it’s important for you to have exercise time, find something you can do with a friend so you get time with them and your exercise in one. Or if you really want to grow your network professionally – rather than feel like you have to go to extra networking events, take time to get to know one thing new about people in your wider team.?
3. My third tip - learn to really prioritise. What are the things that you have to do versus being a nice to do.? Do you have to do the cleaning, or file your GST return, or can you delegate this? Certainly those things are important in terms of needing to be done, but they don’t constitute things that only you can do. Similarly, do you have to go to every project meeting or can this be a great opportunity for someone else in your team? Do you have to pick the kids up from school every day of the week? Or could you do five days a fortnight? Fundamentally, by saying yes to something (either intentionally or by simply doing them), you are saying no to something else as a result. It pays to be conscious of what these other things are.

It's all about action

Looking at each of the three areas or aspects – self, mahi (work), whānau (family) – consider just one thing, one non-negotiable, in each area this week that will put you in the best place.? Focus on that.

What’s one small change that you can make in each of these areas that will have a big impact on how you feel? Something that will help you move from struggling to surviving, or from just surviving to thriving?

Too often we overestimate how much we can get done in a short space of time, but we sell ourselves short of what we could achieve over the long haul.?Remember this is a long game.