The Structure of Our Ugly Reflexes

In the last Beyond Better newsletter I shared about the discovery of one of my own worst qualities. On the surface I could describe it kindly as an “quest for the truth”. But at heart, it’s really just a way to win and make myself look good at the expense of whoever I am correcting or rebutting. It’s not pretty and despite being nicely packaged for self-justification, it leaves people diminished rather than empowered when they are my targets.

I wish I could tell you that it’s gone, and no longer a personal trait. But it’s not. However, having become more aware of it —and of its enormous cost to the relationships I have and want to preserve—I can choose different ways to engage.

It sound strange, but I used to be relentless. Once I was alerted to some inaccuracy or error, there would be no way to divert me from correcting it and getting the satisfaction of proving I was right. The entire behavior was automatic and unstoppable. And because I didn’t know the cost of that way of being, I was complicit in my own hostile compulsion.

That’s what changes when we discover our own ugly ways of being —suddenly, we have options; other ways we can choose to be in the exact same circumstances. But it all starts with discovering what aspects of our personalities are so automatic —and so ugly—that we are either unaware of them, or have packaged them in a way that obfuscates their real purpose,

So, self-development really starts with getting an unfiltered, painfully real picture of ourselves. That especially includes those aspects of ourselves that we have been hiding our entire lives. It’s daunting work. Are you game? The point is not to end up hating yourself, but to fully know yourself so that you can own it and catch yourself.

The characteristics and ways of being that kneecap us are usually driven by some specific motives: Being right. Winning. Looking good (smart, wealthy, whatever). Getting attention.

They’re infantile motives. But we are forever infants in some respects. These aren’t reasons to hate yourself, but to feel compassion. Being human includes everything beautiful and ugly about us.

How do you start this project? Here’s one approach:

Interview your closest family – a parent or spouse (you could start with your employees or friends if you want).?Promise and deliver an absolute amnesty for anything said —No retribution and no grudge-holding. Then, act like a rabidly curious journalist and ask:

• What would you want me to know?if you weren’t worried about hurting my feelings?
• What are my very worst traits?
• What is one way I act that, if changed, would make the biggest positive difference to?your?experience of being with me.
• What is one way I sabotage myself in life (and business, love, etc.).

Assume what you are hearing is true. Don’t defend yourself. Ask for detail as to how and why doing that makes them feel badly.

As you listen, be compassionate toward whoever you ask. It’s hard to say critical things to a loved one. Thank your mom or brother profusely for helping you by being so uncomfortably brutal and for sharing how this trait hurts them.?

And be compassionate to yourself.?These discoveries don’t make you bad, just human.

With this new data, you have something profound to work on. Catching yourself in moments of trading love and connection for being right or winning –and choosing a different way— is hard work. But the rewards are immense.

The surprising and delightful part of this work happens the first time you catch yourself in the act of doing or being the way they described. That is a moment of insight and of choice. Suddenly, you have the extraordinary power to have one cognitive foot in performing that automatic and ugly way of being —AND of observing it and being able to interrupt yourself.

Yes, it will feel like bad news to catch yourself—but then, it will instantly feel freeing. Now, there is a choice. And the choice is usually stark: What matters more, being right (or winning, or looking good) or having this conversation be productive, or keeping this relationship rich? Suddenly, you are no longer on automatic. You are in charge.

Being in charge means having the opportunity to create yourself as the kind of person —or leaders, sibling, spouse, friend—you are committed to being. There is hardly a greater power or opportunity. And it all starts with getting interested in your own most disguised ugliness. It is worth it.

Are you interested in building a team of introspective, self-developing leaders? Schedule a call with me to discuss how Beyond Better Coaching-as-a-Service could benefit your team and your organization’s results.