Stressed in St. Louis

Dear Tony,

I work in HR, and have enjoyed my career so far. Our company has been going through some reorganizations that have resulted in displacing employees which has created a few stressful conversations for me. I realize it’s part of the job, but the rate of change seems to be non-stop from COVID, to remote/office issues, to changing org charts every few years. On top of this, my kids are now getting to the age of being active in sports year-round, and I find myself still wanting to be their mom when they need me. How can I get manage my time to be better professionally while also ensuring I’m there for my kids and family? -Stressed in St. Louis

Dear Stressed,

I wish there was an easy pill to solve the scenario you bring up, but there isn’t. That doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to maximize happiness in your situation, it just means that you must stay on top of things and keep exercising those work/life muscles!

First, I would recognize that your most immediate need is to take care of your energy and your own mental health and well-being. Put yourself in favorable odds by eating right, exercising, and sleeping well. Avoid the temptation to burn the candle at both ends and de-prioritize your health and energy. Your well-being and energy are truly the foundation for solving all things in your life.

Next, I would encourage you to create a way to give yourself permission to focus on being present wherever you are. A few ideas are:

1. Treat your life holistically, and understand that work and personal life are always with you. But your focus can be on one at a time, and when the other pops up, it’s not a problem. For example, there’s no reason you can’t answer a quick e mail after 9 p.m. on your way to bed if it helps someone in their job the next morning. Or, on the other hand, it’s OK if your daughter calls you for advice while you’re at work. Seek to become focused on being present where you are at, but be flexible enough to handle what life presents in real time.
2. A tool that has helped many people deal with work/life pressures is a “Mind Map”. The process works by writing down on paper everything in your personal life and everything in your professional life. Keep 2 separate lists, and prioritize what is on each. As you complete tasks or events, they drop off, while others get added. The key feature is that you are not carrying around in your head all the “issues” of your life. You have a tool to deal with them, all in their own time, and you will eventually get to everything on your mind map. Something un-expected pops up disrupting everything? No problem, put it on the mind map, prioritize it, and move on with the day. Everything gets done, or delegated, in its own time.
3. For more intense work / life balance management, perhaps consider adopting a token or some other physical object approach. A police detective who investigated serial killers had a token in his pocket while at work. When he came home, he tossed the token in an ashtray to signify a separation between work and home. Work was work. Home was home. It allowed him to set unspeakable things aside while he worked on being a good father, husband, brother, neighbor, etc.

My last piece of advice is don’t apologize for wanting to have a successful career, and don’t apologize for wanting to be a great mom, wife, daughter, or friend. They are both honorable endeavors. Honor both by giving each a place in your life, and not letting one dominate or negatively inhibit the other in the long run. If you put in the effort and do this right, not only will you lead a successful career and a fulfilling life, but you will serve as a model for so many others who are struggling to do the same. -Tony

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