Stress, burnout and rock-and-roll: parenting at the brink of collapse

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Leo Tolstoy

For parents all over the world, the global pandemic has unveiled a hard truth: that without regular support for their mental health, they can’t go on any longer.

Tightrope walking

Being a parent is hard. Pandemic or not, parenting can easily be classified as one of the heaviest, most stressful and least rewarding jobs adults willingly choose to do. Each day, we wake up to the amount of pressure that feels unsurmountable. As depleted hikers who didn't get enough rest but have to take on a summit, we're resuming our daily list of commitments. We cook meals, pack lunchboxes and answer kids’ universal questions while micromanaging our work, household supplies and calorie intake. There’s rarely a moment to finish the warm coffee and take a deep breath, especially around young kids. And contrary to the glossy pictures of ‘parenting perfection’ served by social media, our realities are usually quite random and imperfect.

Even if we’re doing our best, more often than not, we think we're failing. Constantly late, groggy and sleep-deprived, we forget to pay for our kids’ excursions and send them to school wearing stained uniforms and crimpled hats. A cookie or a tablet is a regular option to win another half an hour for emails. If any additional challenge enters the family equation –divorce, illness, money issues or the on-off lockdown drama – the fragile family scaffolding starts to crumble.?Because balancing work, childcare, household chores and relationships with regular self-care require both the patience of a tightrope walker and a tough skin of an elephant.

The global state of exhaustion

“No man is an island” – poet John Donne wrote almost 400 years ago. From an evolutionary perspective, connecting with others has always proven the best chance of survival. As tribal beings, humans have always fulfilled a need for belonging through their kin. But until recently, every family was surrounded by their village: grandparents, close relatives, childhood friends and neighbours, all holding the parents’ hands through the various stages of their lives. Yet, along with globalisation and the changes in work patterns, young people started to migrate and move, uprooting themselves and depleting their social capital resources. Modern parents have fallen into the trap of being soloists, cushioned from the outside world by the safety of their private, gated lives. Even before the pandemic, many were just too busy with work and home duties to cultivate relationships.

These modern ways of parenting – without community support and with increasing economic pressures – have proven to be exhausting. The levels of mental health struggles among parents expressed through depression, anxiety, substance abuse or domestic violence, are exorbitant. In 2019, the World Health Organization called burnout syndrome “an occupational phenomenon”, and linked it to several health symptoms, such as fatigue, changing sleep habits and substance abuse. Two years later, amidst the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, WHO declared that over half of the world population is in the “state of vital exhaustion”. Squeezed between economic pressures and caring responsibilities, parents topped the list of burnout victims.?

The parents are not all right

Dr Mo?ra Mikolajczak, a lead researcher at the Catholic University of Louvain (UCL) in Belgium, has been at the forefront of parental burnout research since the 1980s. She admits that modern parents have been struggling like never before.

“In the current cultural context, there is a lot of pressure on parents. And when the daily stresses of parenting become chronic, they can turn into parental burnout: intense exhaustion that has damaging consequences for the parents and for the children.”

In her 2019 study published in Clinical Psychological Science, Dr Mikolajczak notes that burnout seriously impacts mental health, increasing depression and anxiety in parents and making children vulnerable to violence, neglect and self-harm. The main reason is the brain’s prolonged exposure to stress, which severely increases chronic neuroendocrine activation and allostatic load. These, in turn, impact a person’s immunity, heart condition and emotional resilience.

As a distinct psychological phenomenon, parental burnout is separate from parents feeling generally stressed and exhausted. It has been proven to damage the parent-child relationship, contributing to parental violence, escapism and suicidal ideations. “That's why it should be treated as a serious health condition,” adds Dr Mikolajczak.?

Behind closed doors

Family is an unusual blend of individual personalities, various life experiences and traumas, which make it difficult for people to navigate challenging times, especially when mental health issues emerge. Recent research by psychologists from the University of Melbourne estimates that more than one-quarter of Australia’s 1.5 million working parents with kids ages 5 to 11 experienced high levels of mental distress during the pandemic.

“The economic downturn caused by COVID-19 and its subsequent restrictions have had an alarming effect on Australian parents’ mental health. Particularly worrying is the increase in high mental distress among non-employed fathers and parents of primary school-aged children. Financial stress and work-family conflict tend to be two major sources of parental mental distress,” explain the scientists.

In Australia, the pandemic has also unearthed some institutional struggles, with fragmented mental health services and long wait times, especially in regional and rural areas, preventing people from receiving high-quality mental health care.

Dr Zena Burgess, clinical psychologist and CEO of the Australian Psychological Society (APS), says the pandemic has triggered and exacerbated many underlying mental health concerns within families. For parents and their children alike, the legacy of COVID-19 is "truly devastating".

"We've seen new statistics claiming that 1 in 4 marriages will falter because of the pressures of the pandemic. The combined effects of social isolation, financial insecurities and homeschooling have all taken a toll on families and relationships. What's more, numerous studies of working parents' lives suggest that during lockdowns, a disproportionate share of housework and childcare has still fallen on women," says Dr Burgess.

The future of mental health

Experts remind us that burning out is a process. “Nobody burns out overnight”, Dr Mo?ra Mikolajczak writes in one of her papers. Severe mental and physical exhaustion is usually preceded by fatigue and increased irritability, which are clear indicators that something is not okay.

To address parental burnout and distress, people need to know that they can reach out for help – whether medical, institutional or within their own community.

“Fortunately, we are seeing a reduction in the stigma associated with mental health diagnoses and psychological treatments,” reminds Dr Burgess.

So far, the range of available mental health help has been limited, from standard talk therapy (cognitive-behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, group and play therapy) through various mindfulness practices to medications, with antidepressants now the most commonly prescribed drugs in Australia.

Yet, through advancements in technology and neurobiology, we’re entering a new era in mental wellness. Many scientists worldwide have been exploring the areas of neuroplasticity, somatic trauma, nutritional psychology and epigenetics, investigating how our understanding of consciousness could lead to fresh treatments for brain injuries and phobias. The new breakthrough therapies – like virtual reality-enabled games for PTSD or psychotropic medications that reduce chronic anxiety or depression – are already being tested in laboratories. Slowly but surely, the mental health system evolves.

"I hope that in the future, we’ll have a holistic system that includes a bigger range of evidence-based treatments for chronic depression and anxiety. Certainly, we are seeing early signs that LSD and psychedelic microdosing and brain scans, when combined with mainstream therapy, could be revolutionary,” Dr Zena Burgess explains.

If you’re feeling exhausted, here’s a few strategies to soothe parental distress (and if nothing works, don’t hesitate to contact your GP and talk about accessing further help).

Create a family plan

Bestselling author, professor and researcher Brené Brown admits that the times are trying for families. “Collectively, what I see is a growing weariness. I think we’re tired, physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.” Her solution is to create a ‘family gap plan’, which can help to navigate challenging moments. How does it work? The premise is that every family needs a total of 100 per cent to thrive. So each day, the parents need to evaluate where they stand, physically and mentally: “Today, I have 20 per cent”. “And I operate on 30 per cent.” “So how do we balance out the remaining 50 per cent?”. Brown recommends getting kids on board of these conversations and keeping the lines of communication open as a family. “My kids know when I am low-energy or high-stress. They can help too,” she says.?

Build your community

Psychologists claim that finding?other parents experiencing similar feelings can be therapeutic.?Since shame only furthers stress and exhaustion, sharing your experiences in a non-judgmental atmosphere is key to getting better. Many parental support groups and virtual communities offer a great chance to vent out. Some of these networks may move from online to offline space, providing a source of real-life support and connection.

Outsource the heavy stuff

Rather than fixating on the big stressors, you can try rebalancing the changeable ones that contribute to the feelings of exhaustion. For example, if your chore list makes you panic, offload a few jobs to your partner or, if your budget allows, get external help. If you feel that your children’s activity list is overloaded, talk with them about concentrating on one activity rather than a few. The key is to stay flexible and balanced.

Start your days peacefully

While achieving family balance is not always an easy fix, sometimes we can find small ways to lower our stress levels and increase wellbeing. Waking up an hour earlier than the whole household to do some mindfulness, breathing or stretching can be one of these small but transformational rituals. In his book, Two Awesome Hours: Science-Based Strategies to Harness Your Best Time and Get Your Most Important Work Done, Josh Davis says that predawn hours offer several benefits that can’t be found other times of the day. Why? Because mornings are a blank canvas – we still have some power over what’s going to happen to us, and we can start the day in a calm, creative and productive way instead of being frazzled and stressed.?

Try mindfulness

In her book, Self-Compassion for Parents, psychologist Susan M. Pollak offers several mindfulness practices that prove a great coping strategy for parental overwhelm. She recommends practising ‘two mindful breaths of kindness’ during any mundane daily activity: washing the dishes, doing laundry or cleaning. In a 2015 study at Florida State University, researchers found that participants who recited a brief passage about mindfulness before washing dishes felt more inspired and less nervous afterwards than people who read out basic dishwashing instructions.

Practice vulnerability

Start by expressing your feelings more often. Allow “I don’t know” or “I can’t handle this alone” to become your new daily mantras, replacing the ever-present “I got this”. Reject self-sufficiency and invite in help. Rich and authentic connections are essential for thriving. Every family has gone through the same trials and tribulations, so don’t shy away from asking your neighbour with older kids to watch your sleeping baby for 20 minutes when you run off to the post office. Ask a friend for a lift if your car breaks down. In general: ask more.?

*Alex Reszelska: Polish-born, Oxford-educated and Bulli-based writer and Japanologist.

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