Strengthening Bonds: New Ways of Nurturing the Roots of Our Closest Relationships

Last week, I offered my insights on the most important relationship we all have: the one with ourselves. The way in which we perceive and interact with ourselves, in relation to our external surroundings, fundamentally shapes our experiences.

The next important relationships in our lives are those that constitute our roots.

I found myself deeply moved by a story someone narrated, which used a tree to elucidate the cyclical nature of relationships, a story from Tyler Perry.

His words, to the best of my recollection, were as follows:

"Always be conscious of the roles individuals play in your life. Some people, like leaves, are temporary, dropping out of your life with the slightest breeze. Others, akin to branches, may seem robust, but they too can break and fall away in the face of a storm. Then there are those who resemble your roots. Regardless of the storms and winds, they remain, nurturing and accepting you for who you are."

These words resonated profoundly with me, particularly as I was in the process of reassessing my relationships. We often become preoccupied with people's charisma, how inspiring they are, or how incredible they must be. Rarely do we stop to consider how they make us feel.

Are we seen, appreciated, loved, and celebrated for who we truly are?

Today's contemplations focus on nurturing those relationships that serve as your roots. How can we create room for relationships that might become our roots? And how can we ensure that those closest to us love us for who we are, rather than liking us for who we are not?

I admit, I've tried to get the wrong people to love me in the right way. I suspect many of us have, given our innate longing for connection. Sometimes this desire is so overpowering that we settle for less than we deserve.

We encounter individuals who consistently demonstrate their unwillingness to invest in us, to collaborate with us, or to meet our needs through compromise. If we cannot bear solitude, we let our fear of loneliness conceal our true selves, choosing to live behind a mask instead.

In a world consumed with appearances, perceptions, and opinions, wearing a mask is not always a bad thing. But if you find yourself masked in the presence of those who are supposed to be your roots, you must question when and where it's appropriate to let down your guard and be wholeheartedly accepted for who you are.

Can you do this without fear or shame of judgement? If you don't have this level of comfort with the people nearest to you, your quality of life will suffer.

These reflections are based on my personal experiences and lessons learned. They may or may not resonate with you. As always, my intention in writing is to stimulate a shift in perspective, to kindle your curiosity to delve beneath the surface, and to inspire you to relinquish internal baggage that no longer serves your highest and greatest good.

Starting anew: Cultivating a fresh tree with new roots

For as long as I can recall, particularly prior to becoming an Entrepreneur, my life was characterized by fragile roots. As a child, I was deeply sensitive to the world around me, perceiving life and relationships from unique perspectives. My upbringing, cultural background, and the educational system led me to believe I was flawed and needed to conform to a certain mode of thought and behavior to succeed. So I did. For numerous years through college and into my career, my intimate relationships mirrored my internal state: inauthenticity.

By inauthenticity, I don't imply that I was being fake; I did the best I could with the knowledge and abilities I had at the time. Rather, inauthenticity refers to my habit of ignoring my heart and soul's yearnings, and instead adhering to others' expectations.

Consequently, I never felt safe being myself or expressing my deepest dreams and desires regarding how I wanted to present myself and the things I wanted to create.

This gave rise to a myriad of life experiences, both challenging and beautiful. In retrospect, I wouldn't wish for anything different. I'm grateful for these experiences and interactions, as they showed me what I didn't want in life.

Without experiencing life's contrasts, how can we discern what we truly want?

The moment I opted for change, handed in my resignation, and decided to tread the road less traveled was the moment I started shedding old roots, creating space for new roots and a fresh tree to sprout. This new tree was rooted in my authentic self, not the self others wanted me to be.

Friends, this can be a daunting and gloomy journey, and it certainly was for me. Without a support system to lean on, and having gone through a divorce, I found myself utterly alone amidst life's turmoil.

At the same time, regardless of how dark those times were, I couldn't be more thankful for them. This period of darkness strengthened me from the inside out, building my resilience at a fast pace and opening my heart to consistently choose love over fear. It empowered me to step fully into my role as an agent of change, reminding me that I was born with a purpose far greater than my immediate life circumstances and challenges.

Yet, there were numerous moments when I wished I had strong roots – ones that could hold space for me when I couldn't do so for myself. I was fortunate to have people who showed me love, renewing my faith in humanity, and for those connections, I'll forever be grateful. However, I wish I had invested more in maintaining these relationships, allowing them the opportunity to develop into my roots, rather than letting past experiences close my heart space.

If you are lucky enough to have such roots in your life, roots that you might take for granted, roots that love you despite your numerous errors and blunders, then nurture these connections. Celebrate and appreciate them, and don't let past fears or pain hinder their growth into a robust foundation in your life.

Avoid mistaking attachment for love when establishing strong roots

Authenticity is often misconstrued as recklessness. On many occasions, I've observed and personally experienced individuals misusing the claim of authenticity as a pretext to exclude others, displaying selfishness devoid of any social responsibility. This world is a shared space. We inhabit it together. Not everyone will think, act, or value the same things as you do. That, however, shouldn't prevent you from loving. We often mistake attachment for love. Attachment entails needing others to act, think, and behave in a specific way to make us feel at ease. Love, on the other hand, is experiencing positive emotions for others irrespective of their actions, behavior, and thoughts. It doesn't hinge on outsourcing your internal peace and comfort to another person.

Some of you may consider this a flight of fancy, perhaps even spiritual nonsense. The idea of loving others, even when they exhibit disrespect or toxicity, might seem inherently dysfunctional.

This is where life's standards and boundaries come into play. You can love many people and still choose to let them go. You can harbor love for those who have caused you pain, yet decide they no longer have access to you. You can opt to love, leaving resentment behind, to tread life's path with a lighter load.

After all, the quality of your life is ultimately determined by how you feel.

Strengthening Your Roots: The Languages of Love and Conflict

One of the strongest and most loving roots in my life is my son. I am grateful every day for being blessed with such a pure, fiery, and loving soul. I didn't always feel like this, especially during my own period of darkness. I struggled to show up for him in the way he needed, and despite the love we shared, conflict and misunderstandings were rampant.

I recall a time a few years ago when, despite his young age, he became so rebellious that every evening and night after school was a battle. His teachers saw me as a failing parent, and he blamed me for his rebellious behavior. I had to make sacrifices without delving too much into the details, respecting his privacy. I had to put some of my entrepreneurial dreams on hold, and settle for less so that I could spend more time at home. I had to provide him with a consistent weekly routine where he felt secure. I needed to look beyond his rebellious behavior and understand his unmet needs. Then, step by step, I had to meet those needs.

Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages," was a revelation to me, especially regarding my relationship with my son. I discovered that our love languages were entirely different and that we were trying to get our needs met by speaking our own love languages, not the other person's. Changing these dynamics marked a shift towards greater harmony and peace in our relationship.

A love devoid of arguments and disagreements isn't realistic—it's part of being human. We need to comprehend how we react when we experience negative emotions such as anger, sadness, frustration, or conflict. For instance, my son can turn into a veritable dinosaur when angry. His ability to speak or rationalize in such moments is almost nonexistent. Therefore, I've taught him to walk away, channel his anger, and discuss it later. My fight language is to shut down, write, or walk in nature. He now understands that it's not personal, and that mom needs space.

This level of self-awareness has allowed us to make intentional choices about how we show up in our parent-child relationship, without compromising our personalities. Our personalities should not be used as an excuse to remain rigid in our behaviors. At least, that's my viewpoint.

Redefining Your Roots: A New Vision for Your Relationships

Energy flows where attention goes. Whether you aim to inject fresh energy into your existing root relationships or, like me, want to attract new roots, you need clarity about how you want to feel and the values upon which you want to build these relationships. Without a vision, you'll lack direction, clarity, and continue feeling confused and lost. You might even feel lonely, despite being surrounded by people.

I like to write down what my root relationships look like. I clarify my values, how I want to feel, how I want them to feel, my standards, and their character traits. I also note down my shadows and blind spots to remain aware of them without judgment. In this way, I can ensure I won't sabotage future relationships that hold great potential to become my roots.

For instance, I want my roots to embrace imperfection. No one is perfect, and those who believe they are may very well be the loneliest people in the world. I want my roots to hold integrity in the highest regard and always do what is right, not what is easy. I want my roots to value honesty and not hesitate to set me straight when needed. I want my roots to be both confident and secure in themselves, as I won't dim my light or hide my talents due to their self-comparisons arising from limitations. I want my roots to celebrate, inspire and encourage me for who I am rather than trying to change in someone I am not. I want my roots to have their own lives, independent and fulfilled. So that when we come together, we add to our happiness, fulfillment, and quality of life.

I'll conclude today's reflection by reminding us all that, ultimately, we all yearn for freedom. Freedom should not be confused with liberty. Liberty pertains to freedom of movement, while freedom refers to the peace you feel inside when you lower your guard. You can't always be free with everyone, and in the next reflection series, I'll share how I navigate this delicate balance.

But when it comes to your roots, feeling free is essential. You deserve to feel free, and you deserve to be loved for who you are. Stop trying to make the wrong people love you the right way.

Stay tuned for next week's reflections on relationships that represent your third circle, I will be sharing my lessons learned and insights on how I learned to develop healthy relationships based on trust and rooted in reality.

With love, Nadja ?? ?? ??