Strength through adversities and why we should embrace adversities.

14 January 2021.

Before the 2nd week of January 2021 was over, unfortunately I was sick for 7 days and hospitalized for 4 days. Not the start of 2021 which I had imagined. It does give time to listen to music, ponder and write. Here it is.

I love "Never Alone" by Lady Antebellum with Jim Brickman (YouTube)song very much. As a father, a son, a brother, a friend, a colleague, I also wish for the same things that "trouble neglect my loved ones, that they are always happy and have enough.". In this article, I want to proposed a different mindset. The one which I wish I had learned many years back. I would like to share things which have brought me down further and things which have helped me during difficult times. This is mainly related to setbacks in the work setting.

Mistakes, Failures, Set Backs are Painful, but It is Necessary for Growth

As a parent, I might even go too far, too protective, removing all the inconveniences, coming to the rescue too fast. I would told myself, "I did it to help her (my daughter)". The truth is that most of the time it is more for me. Perhaps, that it is to satisfy my need to be a hero in my daughter's eyes. "Thank you Daddy!" rather than "Daddy, you left me alone, you didn't help me!".

As I am writing this, I feel it is difficult to convey my thought without sounding cliché. I do believe this that difficulties, failures, set backs in whatever forms they are are part of story. It is essential ingredient to our formation. Whether we will come out stronger that fully depends on our attitude. If I avoided failure and tried to protect my children from one, I would deprive myself and my children learning opportunities. Even worst, I left them vulnerable for any future adversities when there is nobody to protect them.

And if I am honest with myself, every set back I experienced did help me to prepare me for the next difficulties. Just like in the video game, with level up, you get new skills and you will be given a more difficult enemies. Even though, I can see the positive looking back, being in the midst of adversities is not I wish to be. Again looking back, I can appreciate, wonder on things I did during those times. Remembering the positives will help me in keeping cool and keep going when I face adversities in the future.

What has made me spiraling down further in midst of adversities

• Forgetting my worth or attaching my worth to wrong things: I failed. Looking back, I should not even use the word "fail or failure". There are mistakes, there are things which could have been handled better, but labeling them as failure does not help. Most of the time, it is detrimental to myself confidence, to the feeling the I am worthy. Attaching my worth to things like: other people's praises or critics is also proved to be detrimental. It is normal to seek for approval, but it is totally outside of my control. Some people, no matter how good you are, will never say it (it could be it is his style) or some people even try to shed bad light on to your work. Thinking that I am useless when people said that I am useless, it is very harmful.
• Beating myself up: Blaming myself, calling myself stupid. Looking back, this is pointless behavior. Taking responsibility does not equal to blaming and beating myself up. It closes the analytical brain, the opportunity to understand what went wrong because I gave the answer already by making myself a single source of failure. Come on! Sometimes I give myself too much credit that a single person can bring down an entire project. If that could happen, something else must also be wrong in the project.
• Losing hope: sometimes issues are overwhelming. One comes after another, before I could even solve the previous one. This could lead to desperation. Feeling of it is pointless fighting or fixing the problems. This could also be caused by lack of support, a feeling that I am fighting the battle all alone (it may and may not be true). And sometimes, in a difficult situation, our mind can trick us to see that everybody is against us. Keep the hope alive.

What has helped carry me through various adversities

• Remembering my why: remembering who needs me, who depends on me. Remembering that by showing up despite of difficulties I set an example for my children. It is also important to remember that I am loved, by the families, the children, regardless. Show that you are worthy to yourself. Love yourself. Take a good care of yourself, ensure you take your meals, etc.
• Taking perspective: Is this something new? did I have the skills? What actually I have achieved, surely I have achieved something good? Sometimes I forget that I push myself hard, I take new roles, responsibilities, working in projects with limited resources and very ambitious schedule. What are the good things I have done for the project? Knowing what I know now, what are the things I would have done it differently.
• Taking the ownership: What could I have done to rectify to ensure more success probability. It could be overwhelming when the buck stop with you i.e. if you are the project manager. It does not mean that I have to do everything. But I am responsible in communicating my expectations, as much as possible provide resources and guidance, highlighting issues, etc. All in. accept that I might lose sleep for sometimes until this get sorted out. communicate with the family, seek support and understanding.
• Seeking support: friends, families, faith. In my difficult times, these 3 Fs have carry me through. I still remember my daughter lovingly served my medicine, I still remember my best friend brought me lunch to an offshore island where I was stationed when I didn't pay attention to my meal, I still remember sitting on train and praying rosary every morning on the way to work. One thing we need to take the first step, it is to open up to those we trust. We need that to voice our frustration, talk through our problem, even seeking understanding that we might not function normally due to various reasons. This goes with the work itself also, seek expertise who can give suggestions, it is our responsibility, we have to make the call finally, but nothing stopping us from seeking guidance.
• Keep going, taking baby steps: Typically, after a set back i.e. clients/bosses are unhappy and hold nothing back in expressing it. I can sometime lose self-confidence and start questioning my own abilities to perform the my job. It is self fulfilling prophecy (If I believe I cannot do the job, I would be able to do the job). Build up the confidence, by doing something small consistently. Few things I did, get up in the morning and tidy up my own bed consistently. Exercise would help too. I need that small wins. Regardless, if you get up and put another fight for that day, you are a winner.

Challenges comes many times unexpected. Few things we can do to perhaps to prepare us better for the challenges.

• Do not wait, self induced challenges: Build up you "inconvenience" muscles. This could be learning new skill, pushing your fitness level through exercise, break some routine once in a while and many others.
• Celebrate failure: it is about culture. for me now, how I cultivate a family culture which support the member when it facing difficulties or even fails. Creating a safe environment to admit mistakes. Recognizing that this is something that will make us stronger, closer and better.
• Proactive monitoring: sometimes, deep down I know when I am heading for a disaster. Perhaps I was too busy (read: ignorant) on the signals. Don't rely on gut feel. have a regular check. it could be weekly scoring and assessment. It could be a check-in with the boss or project owner. Get some feedback early and continuously.

Challenges comes many sizes, typically some comes in few smaller problems before the big one hit us badly. Some just come abruptly and unsettling every aspects of our life.

• If this challenges comes in smaller form first (you might not feel so when you are in the midst of it). Take it as a signal to change
• If the challenges is so big, remember somebody looks up to you, the way you deal with this will be an example for them.

To end this, Here are my wishes for you in times of troubles:

May the angles give you strength to carry on. May you always keep moving forward. May your faith never wavers. May you always believe in yourself. May you are always supported by loved ones. And I do wish you that you are never alone! Do know God is with you always!

Regardless, I still love this song.

Here is the full lyric for you to sing along: YouTube

May the angels protect you. Trouble neglect you. And heaven accept you when its time to go home. May you always have plenty. The glass never empty. Know in your belly. You're never alone.

May your tears come from laughing. You find friends worth having. As every year passes, They mean more than gold. May you win and stay humble. Smile more than grumble. And know when you stumble. You're never alone

Chorus: Never alone, Never alone, I'll be in every beat of your heart, When you face the unknown. Wherever you fly. This isn't goodbye. My love will follow you stay with you. Baby you're never alone

I have to be honest. As much as I wanted. I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow. So when hard times have found you. And your fears surround you. Wrap my love around you. You're never alone.

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you. Baby you're never alone. So when hard times have found you. And your fears surround you. Wrap my love around you. You're never alone