To be a strange duck in the ice hole

My wiring

I would like to start this post by sharing a snippet from my previous post, which read something like “Everyone is uniquely wired. Yet, some wirings are more readily compatible with our society than others.” If you are interested to know in which context it was mentioned, feel free to catch up here, although it is not a prerequisite.

Everyone is uniquely wired and still, some people experience more difficulty to fit in, to truly belong, than others. When I was a kid I used to think that everyone shared the feeling of being just a tad bit different. Over time, by conversing with others, I realized that this is not the case. Some people do not experience this feeling. They truly fit in or they don’t but it doesn’t cost them energy. It can be hard to feel like you are the odd one out. Or “to be a strange duck in the ice hole” as we say in Dutch, while using a word for "ice hole" that nearly no one knows is referring to a man-made hole in ice but that could be literally translated as “bite”, which would make the expression even more weird. But I am diverging. Back to track. Or pond. Yes, I felt like a strange duck.

With the years passing by (I turned 40 last year, yay, much more wisdom!) I slowly figured out why I felt like I felt. I always knew I wanted or needed different things than others. That I have a huge passion for learning. I loved school and the variety of topics. I also experienced that what was good enough for most people was not good enough for me. I am talking about all kinds of norms and values that are different. The norm for friendship. The norm for work. The definition of what is the possible content of an agreeable conversation. The norm for what is funny and what is not. Over time I found more people like me, people with whom I make a deep connection. Whenever that happens, I feel energized. I become extroverted. I feel instant growth. These people are all very different. It is a group with a wide variety of personalities and widely different skills. The only thing that all of these people have in common (except their connection to me) is some profound values that we share. Values like authenticity, loyalty, and being open-minded.??

Chameleon

In my career, one of my biggest strengths is being able to adapt to a very different context and contributing on a very short time scale even when I do not have the “right” background. Like a chameleon. While this is a huge strength, the downside is that I am also bored quite quickly when there is no new context or not much new to learn on a topic that inspires me. I tried to compensate for that by working more, but that only works to a certain extent. I wondered why I experienced work in this way and others do not. I tried really really really hard to accept that a good-enough job is truly good enough, also for me. That I am not different. That I can do it. In the end, if others can be happy and fulfilled in a job that fits their skills, why couldn’t or wouldn’t I? I assumed it was a matter of changing my state of mind. But regardless of how hard I tried, the feeling was eating me from the inside until I crumbled to ashes and I had to reinvent myself. As a chameleon, I became grey because I couldn't identify new colors in my current environments.

I started to read. Many books, but I’ll just add the ones that helped me leap. I worked through the vast amount of journaling questions in Tara Mohrs “Playing Big”. I recognized certain dynamics in my head and was provided with a valuable tool set to deal with those. However, I remained stuck on the questions “What do I want professionally? What is my true calling?” And with stuck I mean really stuck. I knew I needed variation, that it is essential for my energy level. I knew I like to work in a team. I knew I am flexible to adapt to other environments. I knew I am able to contribute to any work environment provided that I feel safe, valued and I am interested somehow. Yet, I did not know what I really wanted to be. I did not lack ideas. These were ranging from starting a mini-bakery with a small coffee/tea bar connected to it, becoming an actor, or writer, working on projects that involve space technology or AI, becoming a teacher, creating an Uberlike app to match pilots, plane owners, and passengers, with the tagline “Are you on board?”, and so on. But none of these felt like a true match. Not forever. Only for a while. That’s when I realized that in order to move forward, I first needed to figure out what was "wrong" with me. Why I couldn’t be happy with just a “regular” job like so many other people. I dove in the book from Luk Dewulf “Ik kies voor mijn talent” and while it helped, I still felt incomplete. Something was missing. From a friend I heard about the Coretalents methodology, which allows a person to discover what gives and takes energy. I contacted three coaches that could offer this analysis and I had an intake interview with all three of them. Why three? Well, for me it was important that I felt a connection, so I could truly open up and get the most out of this analysis. Because I was skeptical. In the end, why would this method work when other things failed? Especially given that I already had a quite clear idea on what gives and takes energy. When selecting a coach, I followed my gut feeling and decided to go on board with Ilse Van Damme from Octoplus even though she told me I would have to wait a few months before we would be able to start and the wait time for the two other coaches was way shorter. I counted down every day and my (im)patience was tested to great extent because the first session had to be postponed even longer. But, it was worth the wait. It was probably the best thing that happened to me in 2024. The insights I obtained were spot on. I felt understood for the first time. I had the feeling that justice was done in the description of my personality. I felt complete, whole, seen. And most importantly I finally understood why I wouldn’t fit in in a “regular” job. In case you’re interested, the problem resides in the fact that I have a larger number of things that give energy compared to other people. Oh, I can hear some of you thinking, “Well, that sounds like a luxury problem, woe is you!”. I can assure you, it is not a luxury problem. The issue is that when a bucket for a type of energy-giver stays empty for too long, one becomes (very) unhappy. It does not matter how many other energy-giving buckets are filled. All of these need to be filled. At least from time to time. And if you have too many, you cannot simply fill the ones that stay empty in your job in your free time. It is completely fine if you can fill some of them outside of the work environment, but in order for a job to be truly fulfilling, you need enough (daily) input for as many of the energy-giving/good buckets as possible. The funny thing is that the buckets with things that cost energy should meanwhile remain as empty as possible. The fuller the good buckets are, the less harmful it is that the bad buckets are also filled. But beware if the bad buckets are being filled when the good buckets are not (entirely) filled! That’s the danger zone! What this means is that when some of the good buckets are empty, they contribute to the bad buckets. Which, in my case, implies that I need a job that is so extraordinary that I am able to fill the huge variety of good buckets. It is just who I am. It is not bad, it is not good. It is my bucket list (pun intended) and I need to keep track of doing things to fill the right buckets. The coretalents analysis explained in a simple way why I have difficulties fitting in. With this knowledge, it is way easier for me to accept that I am slightly differently wired or even weird. And it is so nicer to have words to explain to others (bosses, friends, family,…) what I need and what I look for in a job.?

Phoenix

Having the words to explain was liberating, but it did not bring a solution. It did not make me instantly happy or provide me with a job in which I can fill most of my good buckets. I still didn’t know what I wanted to be. In our last conversation, Ilse mentioned the book from Emilie Wapnick “How to Be Everything: a Guide for Those Who (Still) Don’t Know What They Want to Be When They Grow Up”. Emilie also gave a TED talk, in case you are interested but do not have the time to read the book. This book confirmed my wiring and gave me another word to describe who I am. According to the book and the insights I obtained, I can now say that I am a multipotentialite. In the book, Emilie describes four different strategies for people like me to find a way to build a happy work life/career. I realize now that I moved through at least two of these and I am currently trying out a third and fourth strategy by starting my own business in parallel with my current job. I can honestly say that I feel fulfilled again. Something I did not think would be possible without changing jobs. Starting my own business gives me so much energy and joy that I also feel much happier in the job that yields my income. The reason is that my stable job fills some of the good buckets. Starting my own business fills other good buckets. With these insights and the action I took, I feel like I rose from the ashes. Still a chameleon, but also a phoenix.

If you feel inspired, feel free to comment, connect or send me a direct message!