The Story You Tell Yourself

Do you have the same thought playing over and over again in your mind? I will never pass that exam. I will never get that job. That would have worked if I didn’t make that one mistake. I could do this if I was more like him. I’m an idiot. I’m a failure. I’m hopeless. You tell yourself this sort of thing enough and it might very well come true.

Past experiences, be they positive or negative, are usually what determine someone’s personal view of themselves. Everyone has a story they tell themselves about who they are, but it’s often an unintentionally fictional one, and can limits one’s perspective of what they can accomplish. It can harm your self-confidence or even be an excuse for you not to take action. Our story is our internal response to external situations.

Whether this is getting caught in the rain or having serious conflict with a difficult person, we can control our response. We can tell ourselves a positive or negative story about it and that will influence how we act in the future. We can’t change the past, but we can decide how we let things affect our internal world.

I know others have covered these ideas before and I’m not trying to recreate the wheel here, but I think it’s important to be aware that a story we tell ourselves about a past event doesn’t define us. It’s just a memory we can paint in an optimistic or pessimistic light. It’s not an easy thing to control. Research suggests that a human can have up to 60,000 thoughts in a single day and so it’s understandable that they can overwhelm us if they are predominantly negative. But while we can’t prevent our thoughts, we can work to alter our response to them.

Let me share my insight on how I learned to prevent storytelling and respond better to my thoughts. It mainly comes down to emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Being aware of your emotions can help you to link them to negative thoughts and then identify the triggers for said thoughts. When they occur, think about what time of day it is, where you are and who you are with. Then try to analyse the way the thoughts are making you feel. Are they causing anxiety, stress, anger, or frustration? Instead of impulsively reacting with a pessimistic outlook, pause and think about why you’re feeling these things. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and external surroundings instead of telling yourself a story about what they mean. Repeat this over the course of 7-10 days and you will start to notice the patterns that link to the stories you tell, and how they are triggered by your surroundings.

It's okay to feel bad about past experiences sometimes, you are a human after all, but if you always act based on your thoughts and the stories you tell, you don’t have control over your own actions. You should be trying to move forward, and not allowing other people’s judgements affect you. You won’t get along with everyone, and if you let the opinions of those you don’t get along with affect you then that will negatively influence the story you tell.

When you become aware that you’re creating a story about a past situation or assumed future outcome, stop and ask yourself: ‘Is this actually true? Is it likely to happen or am I making assumptions?’. This kind of logical, rational thought should lead you to realise that you can’t know what’s going to happen. So, detach yourself from the negativity surrounding the past experience or future outcome and instead ask: ‘What lessons have I learned from this experience and how can I use them to move forward?’ It’s easier said than done, but it’s the kind of personal development work that can help you to understand your mindset better.

And you should apply the same line of thinking to good experiences. Allow them to build your confidence of course, but don’t let them feed your ego or prevent you from living in the present. The present moment is the only time when you can work towards the outcome you want for the future. And maybe part of that involves processing a past trauma or experience that is getting in the way of you optimising the present.

You might need the help of a psychotherapist to get to the route of the trauma, and that’s okay too. Coaching is another thing which can be very helpful, especially if you have a goal that your story is preventing you from achieving. Getting help from a coach can clarify your motives, plan your actions steps, and project a timeframe.

If you want to learn a bit more about these ideas, you should read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Even just check out the first four chapters and you will get a great insight on how to live in the present and not let your mind drift back and forth. Tolle discusses things like thoughts and storytelling. He explains how our present state is a based on our past experiences, and so reading his work can further help you to focus your attention on the now.

Overcoming the habit of storytelling won’t happen overnight. It will only come with patience, self-trust, and outside support if necessary. Reading, journaling, and meditating are also good ways to keep your mind in the present. Stop telling yourself about the problem and instead just work towards the solution, and you will start to feel more in control, more confident and more conscious of your choices. Go through this process at your own pace, and soon the stories that have been holding you back will become a distant memory.