The Story We Dread Telling

A week ago,?Jason Carter stood in front of thousands to eulogize?his grandmother, Rosalynn Carter. With other first families and dignitaries in attendance, he had a daunting task. But he had the room laughing within moments through his eulogy of a loving grandmother. It was touching because he helped people learn personal things about her as a person and not the public figure.

Eulogies are the stories we never want to tell. It’s incredibly hard to think about how to honor someone’s life in a few minutes. But there are a few things that make it easier. Let’s break them down with Jason’s eulogy.

When a public figure passes, people share stories on social media about their interactions with them. You learn something new about the person and take delight in the story.?That's because they are using the three main ingredients of a eulogy: celebrating and honoring the life of the person, helping you learn about them, and sharing stories that the audience doesn’t know.

Plan the first laugh

Jason starts the eulogy by welcoming the different political figures in the room, including the other former first ladies. He thanks them for being part of the same sisterhood as his grandmother. Then he said,?“Senator Clinton and Dr. Biden, we also welcome your lovely husbands.”

The room erupted with laughter and applause at Jason emphasizing the women and not the former presidents. It’s playful and unexpected. This creates a shift in the room, but more importantly, it helps set Jason at ease.

It is overwhelming to have to think about speaking the words you wrote to honor the life of a loved one. We’re afraid that we’ll ugly cry so hard that the words aren’t even coherent. Planning a first laugh helps shift the energy and lets you settle into the talk. Find something ironic about the moment or open with a story that illustrates a moment of them doing or saying something that was “so them.” ?You’ll relax and have an easier time delivering the talk.

What were the little moments like with them?

Jason said?“She was my grandmother first, and she was like everyone else’s grandmother in a lot of ways. Almost all her recipes call for mayonnaise. We all got cards from her on our birthdays…$20 bill in it. When I was 45…$20 bill!”

Through these specific moments and quirks, we start to get an image of who she was. We immediately connect to the special recipes and birthday cards from our grandmother.? She’s not just describing her as a loving person, he’s giving you specific moments. These add levity and make people relatable.

What quirks did your loved one have? Were they vigilant about separating their food on a plate so it didn’t touch? When filling up their car, did they insist on adding gas until they got to an even number for the cost?? Did they arrive five minutes early for every event? At airport security, were you consistently held up as they had to chug the bottle of water they forgot was in their bag? What were the snapshots of these moments for what it was like to have this person in your life?

What was a story the audience wouldn’t know?

“We were on a family trip on a flight to somewhere. We were sitting on the back of the plane together. As we took off, we looked over at my grandmother and she took out this Tupperware of pimento cheese. And this loaf of bread, and she just started making sandwiches. She gave it to all of us grandkids. Then she started to give them out to other people on the plane. People were sitting there saying, ‘Rosalyn Carter just made me this sandwich!’” ?

This story is adorable because we learn something we didn’t know. We can picture her making sandwiches atop a tray table and imagine confused passengers slowly accepting a sandwich made by a former first lady. Think of those stories that not many people would know. Not only does the audience learn something about the person, but they are also entertained with a story they’ve never heard before.

What were the moments that were “so them?”

“One of my last memories of my grandmother was in a hospital. We were there for my grandfather, but she had physical limitations that made it hard for her to walk and she had to practice. She was ready to go for one of these walks and she picked up this cane. I looked at the cane and she looked at me. She said “You know it’s not a cane. It’s a trekking pole. It’s the exact same kind that the women use when they go to the South Pole.”

Include the stories of moments where the person said or did something that was so them. Describe their mindset, expressions, or habits. The audience will connect to their own experience of the person. These are the stories that produce a chuckle because the audience thinks “Yup, that’s who they were!”

Structuring your Eulogy

Introduce yourself and your relationship with the person. Then get right into your first laugh – either a joke or a story about the person. Recount the stories from their personal life, including loved ones, hobbies, and adventures. Share professional events and achievements. Weave in the stories that the audience doesn’t know and the moments that were “so them.” Close with what the person meant to you, what you’ve learned from them and are carrying forward.

The Perfect Story?has a chapter to help you learn how to tell stories for Toasts, Eulogies,?or Job interviews, providing additional resources and tools.

Podcasts

I had a fun discussion with Dustin Burleson, DDS?on The Burleson Podcast?about?The Perfect Story.

Haritosh and I dig into storytelling and how you can use it to shift even the most awkward of circumstances?on the Confident Storytelling Podcast.

Get Started With?Storytelling?

• Order?THE PERFECT STORY
• Take?our free assessment?to determine your storytelling approach.
• Check out the?Jumpstart Your Storytelling?course.
• Listen to podcast appearances on my?Spotify Playlist