A Story of Toxicity

I’ve been around the block.?

I’ve participated in a lot of things both good and bad. Not that I am overly proud of my behavior at times. It was the product of conduct in the environment I was in.

Which is not an excuse in and of itself.

It’s all too easy to say that I could have taken the high road in each instance and was without blame.

That would not be true. I played the game like everyone else.

Before I continue, I should point out that I am not confessing to a crime committed, though if being a dick warrants a citation, I am guilty as charged.

This isn’t a tell-all snitch on your friends and stabs your enemies type piece either.

I also wasn’t the third gunman in the Kennedy assassination.

What this is exactly, is how I dealt with toxicity when I should have just confronted it. Instead, I let it fester like an opened wound, hurting myself and other people along the way.

I wasn’t the better man in the situation though I was given multiple chances to be. I let my ego dictate the circumstances and poisoned the well to prove a point.

Why? Good question.

For lack of a better answer than this. Sometimes I am not that good of a person. I have my faults too. I stray off the path just like everybody else.

My emotions get the better of me even when I try my hardest.

I worked in an environment where sometimes a space can have a bad influence on your moral compass.

It takes hold of you and squeezes out all the good that is inside of you.

It can leave you jaded and cruel. And this space did just that.?

One person in particular had this innate need to be petty and spiteful. You would never think as much by their facade of a sunny disposition and outward appearance.

If you knew what you were looking for, you could see the rot as clear as day. It strangled them from the inside.

A pain that would never be soothed.

Somewhere in life, this person was hurt in the past and the rest of the world would bleed as a result of it.?

Now this person and I got along well as could be expected. A complete opposite in all things as personalities go. Where there was strength, there was weakness in both of our corners.

I did my best to be small. I realized that at the end of the day, this person was effective at being more sinister than I could ever imagine.

It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.

I never managed to be under the radar for too long with this person. After a while, I imagine I must have said or done something that upset them.

And like me, they decided that the best course of action was to stray from the path.

It started with criticism. Little things. The way I dressed. What I ate. How I spoke and what I spoke about. It was without fail.

At first, it was random, but eventually, it became a daily thing.

I tried to change some of my behaviors. I became conscious of things that never crossed my mind before. I was more attentive to what I wore and ate for lunch.

Yet it continued. Sometimes I shot back with sarcasm of my own. Other times I let it go. Most of the time I didn’t acknowledge it which made it worse.

And quite frankly, I just got used to it. I let it become a standard of operation between the two of us. I laughed right along with it.

Until I couldn’t laugh anymore.

It wasn’t until years had passed that a couple of co-workers in casual conversation had commented on why I tolerated it. They all confessed that they would not let that slide and would make it a point to fire back.

They said it made me look weak.

I told them it was what it was. I wasn’t going to dignify it. It would cause more harm than good if addressed.?

And that is where I left it. And that is where I deviated from the path as well.

I concluded that no matter what I said, nothing would change. I didn’t think having a heart-to-heart with this person would make any difference.

In my experience, if adults behave badly, they know the difference. They know right from wrong.?It's foolish to think that behavior like that just happens.

This was accepted behavior. If it wasn’t, they wouldn’t be acting in such a way.?

In hindsight, I was just as guilty because I participated.

Instead, I doubled down. I made it a point to be singled out. I wore and ate things that would guarantee criticism. I welcomed it.?

My behavior changed. I stopped caring about a lot of things, and my work and world suffered for it. I told myself that someone had to teach this person a lesson, and I was the person to do it.

Time went on. Nothing changed. I was still singled out for being me. And there was strength in that.

It got to the point that no matter what I said or did, I would now be considered the odd man out.

Fine by me. Because of all this, I took the brunt of the bad behavior to show everyone around me this person’s true colors.?

I positioned myself as the martyr to what this person was capable of.

I wanted my co-workers to see the pettiness. Listen with one ear, but watch with two eyes.

If it could be done to me, don’t think for a moment that you would go unscathed. I showed them that if this person could whisper about me, they would whisper about you.

And I explained it in just that way.?

If they found fault in something as simple as a choice of food or a style of dress, what more was this person capable of? Does the pettiness ever end??

I poisoned the well. And in doing that, I poisoned myself.

I risked my peace to prove a point to people that didn’t matter on a grander scale. All about a person that quite frankly, I didn’t care about.?

Why, because in some twisted sense of self, I thought that this person needed to understand what they were doing was wrong.

And if I had to nail myself on the cross, then so be it.

In welcoming all the shit this person could shove, I lost sight of what damage the people around me would experience. I was just as guilty.?

And in doing so, I became the very toxicity that I was trying to get away from.

My failure to be a better person came at a cost.

I did eventually leave. Something I said that would be better for me and the working environment. And through all of this, I lost a part of myself along the way.

And I wish that if I regret anything, it was for not being better when I had the opportunity.

I hold no grudge. I rarely think about that time in my life other than it was a valuable lesson to learn. It taught me tolerance, understanding, and a deeper sense of self.

It showed me that there is still more for me to learn.

And I never want to be in an environment where pettiness is something to wear like a badge of honor.?

A growth mindset is what I walked away with by leaving. And I am all the better for it.

People for all their faults are a reflection of who and what we can be, and who or what we shouldn’t.

We are all stumbling around trying to make sense of ourselves, the world, and people.

No one can force you to be bad, even in the face of bad people. Michelle Obama was right. When they go low, you go high.?

Just don’t lose sight of how toxic you can be, because, in the end, it just might be you who poisoned the well.