A Story of Starting Over

It's been a difficult few years heck, it's been a difficult decade. I'm not alone in that nor is my story unique, but here it is.

I spent the past 15+ years as a Military spouse, raising my children, volunteering, and supporting my spouse's career no matter where that led. Every couple of years we would pack up the house, change schools, and move to a new location with no connections outside of the military, leading to a pretty insular life. I'm sure this sounds familiar to a lot of people but, now we get into the dirty stuff and unfortunately, this is going to sound familiar to a lot of people too.

I married an abusive narcissist and yes I know that's a very buzzy word right now. I'm not being hyperbolic, two counselors and his therapist said as much, and he ticks every box. Of course, I didn't know until it was too late, I was pregnant with our second child and in a foreign country, I had no family and the only people I knew were other spouses. This is when I started to recognize the abuse.

I no longer spoke to my family and my friends had disappeared because he spent so much time putting them down, making me feel bad for having them in my life, isolating me. I tried several times to go back to school, to work, to involve myself in things that would allow me to build an independent life, only to have the abuse and control increase until I had to abandon my endeavors. When I began to do things that I felt good about the abuse would increase, the affairs would be thrown in my face, my appearance, education, and personality would be relentlessly criticized, and I would be cut off from any financial resources. It was made very clear that I was less than and held no power.

The abuse extended to the children, though I did my best to shield them from it, and it took some time for me to be able to see it. He never touched them but they were damaged all the same. I got a call from the school one afternoon saying that they wouldn't let my teen come home until they talked to me. The counselor told me that they were worried about him, and that his friend made a report that they thought he might hurt himself. I was told that it was because of his father, because of how he made my son feel about himself, how hopeless he felt. Something broke in me that day and something else took it's place. I stayed because I kept telling myself that I was doing it for the kids, that as long as it was only hurting me I could keep doing it. When that changed, I changed.

Once he knew he had lost, the abuse got even worse, there were calls to the police, arrests, and restraining orders. It took more than a year to get him out of the house and he did as much damage as he could in that time. It took more than 6 months after that to serve him with separation papers. He made sure that his retirement went through before the court received his financial documents. I've been doing my best to support the children on my own, and while it's difficult we are so much happier. None of us have heard from him in over 8 months, though the fight in court continues. The children and I are working towards building a life for ourselves, one where we can feel safe, together, and supported.

Now to the question of why people of the LinkedIn community should care. As I said my story isn't unique, especially in Military families. After differing and ignoring my own interests for so long, it's been difficult to find employers who value the experience I have, who can see through the gaps in employment, and who recognize the importance of volunteer work. I've applied to 100s of postings, I've done the fellowship programs, attended Amplify, and have reworked my resume so many times I may run out of storage on my computer for the numerous versions I have saved. I have the knowledge and I have the skills but, it's difficult to prove with just a resume. It's hard to start over, I see posts here every day about how long people have been out of work, how many jobs they've applied to, and how few calls they are getting in response. There are lives lived behind those resumes, stories behind the experiences, and people behind the profiles.

Many of us are starting over and while our stories are different, much of what we feel is the same. There is light at the end of the tunnel and better things on the horizon.

If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

https://www.thehotline.org