A story of one glorious flight (personal buddy stories)

This story has started in the far 2008 and received an unexpected and beautiful continuation at the end of 2016. I am telling it with the permission of the client, yet avoiding the names and data, which might lead to her identification.

Let’s call her Ann.

Prologue

It was October 14, 2008. Tuesday. The rain was pouring incessantly already since the previous evening. At 10-11 degrees and rain, the Baltic dankness is felt literally under your skin. I knew that the day would be difficult, but at the same time, it somehow seemed that a miracle would definitely find its way in. The day before, I specially put on the alarm at a slightly more affectionate melody in the hope that the moment of awakening would be a little easier. All Monday I was preparing for mediation. I knew that I was facing a very emotionally uneasy day, and I wanted to at least get up from the “right” side of the bed! The melody of my choice entered my dream unobtrusively, not like the usual sound, sharply tearing dreams apart. It appeared in my dream, and perhaps in a little slower and more measured way achieved the same result: I woke up. The only difference is that I woke up, albeit with its help, but by myself, without coercion.

On that day, everything turned out favorably. A parking space was waiting for me exactly near the door of the building where I rented a meeting room. I didn’t even have to open the umbrella. I was brought exactly the table that I requested — an oval one, to avoid corners and perhaps a little artificially, but still, to eliminate the element of opposition. When the table has clear sides, people immediately occupy them and zealously guard them. This only strengthens their positions. But I do not need their positions, I need their interests. They need their interests!

The day was really hard. It was already half-past three on the clock when I stopped mediation and took the parties into the caucus.

Caucus — a moment during mediation when mediator speaks with each party separately, helping them see both their position in the dispute and look at the situation through the eyes of the opponent, try to understand her position, her arguments, and her feelings.

Ann needed this. A little bit more and she would have given up, and all the efforts of the previous six hours would have meant nothing. However, possible solutions have been hanging in the air for more than an hour already! I couldn’t voice them. I couldn’t hint them. I could only encourage the parties not to give up and keep on looking.

Everyone came out of the caucus a little more relaxed. We ordered coffee ... 

And…

After half an hour I was already drafting an agreement. What could have turned into a trial lasting several years was decided in 8 hours and 20 minutes. This is a miracle in itself. But the greatest miracle happened to Ann.

Ann

In her University years, she has always been an excellent student. Quiet, modest, very well-read, and very diligent, Ann invariably achieved high results. After university, Ann got a job at the training center as an assistant to one of the teachers. It was Ann who developed the courses that the other person was delivering. One day she finally gained courage, conquered her internal critic, and asked to teach herself. It was scary at first, but Ann managed. However, disagreements soon appeared. Ann was obviously better. She improvised, she grew, she truly revealed herself as a teacher. Customers came to her. They wanted to be taught by no one else. There was the envy from other teachers, and problems inevitably appeared. Then Ann left and started delivering her courses on her own. It was here that the original copyright dispute arose, which led the director of the training center and Ann into mediation with me.

When I took Ann to a separate room for the caucus, she was almost giving up. She was ready to leave, carrying the blame on her heart for her success and another burden, even harder than the blame: resentment. Ann was almost ready to hide in the shadows again, to forget all that energizing spirit of an audience, betray her dreams and aspirations and ... let them cheat again, let her work be stolen once again. Just stop the pain. Just stop the fear.

In the caucus, we talked about a lot of things, but in particular that it was not about her as a person; that resolving the issue of copyright in the context of labor relations can become the end of her dreams only if she so decides. We talked about the fact that the director of the training center does not want to offend or belittle her; he defends his business. He also wants to grow. He has lost his most valuable employee and now he can lose a valuable product. He is defending himself. But this is not the only possible scenario. Another way is possible. The bottom line is that life is not black and white ...

December 2016

Fast forward to December 2016. I was pleasantly surprised when Ann wrote to me that she was interested in working with me not as a mediator, but as a personal buddy. I haven’t heard from her for 8 years. Over those years, Ann has reached incredible heights. The initial cooperation and joint programs that were the result of that day-long mediation that I conducted, turned into a full scope and very successful partnership. Representative offices in other countries were opened, and a fundamentally new online project was launched.

We had a Skype call after Christmas. Ann has changed beyond recognition. Instead of a slightly awkward girl who was embarrassed to pour herself a second cup of coffee, I saw in front of me a bright, incredibly stylish and confident woman. But in Ann’s eyes, I still saw her — that same girl who is almost ready to give up and crawl back into the shadows ...

Working with Personal buddy: wise friend for rent

Everything turned out great not only in Ann’s career but also in her personal life. She moved to one of the European countries, met a handsome man, gave birth to two beautiful children. They built a house and got a cat — a wayward handsome British. Ann developed an online project but felt that the upsurge and satisfaction that she was getting earlier from her work were gone. Not so long ago, Ann also started a business in a fundamentally new direction — she opened an atelier for children's clothing. Moreover, she decided to immediately open her own full-fledged business, and not just monetize her hobby, occasionally taking individual orders.

However, at the point of contacting me, Ann was almost ready to give up on it. The business demanded more and more resources, less and less time was left to continue working on the online courses’ project, the deadlines began crashing on her, an oppressive feeling appeared that she did not know what she wanted, and often did not want anything at all. As an add-on, Ann began to develop a feeling of guilt that she doesn’t have time to pick up the children from school, and often had to work on weekends. Clouds were gathering in the sky above her and tears were filling up her eyes more than often.

I started the conversation with my favorite question: "why?" Making my way through skillfully set protective barriers in the form of verified lists of tasks and goals for the five years, same as eight years ago, I tried to understand what was it that Ann really wanted. I tried to understand her to help her… understand herself.

Amusingly, I saw all the same values. She still wanted to bring positive change, she wanted to make the complex understandable, sought to prompt and explain, longed for feedback, and human contact. The online project was an interesting undertaking, and she, being an excellent specialist, certainly coped perfectly. But that was not what she really wanted. There was no true communication in this online project, nor was there the opportunity to give and receive feedback. It was an interesting experience, but not more than that.

As for the atelier, it was certainly much more interesting for her. Ann didn’t really like to sew that much, but she always liked to communicate with people, pick up something special for them, just for them, find a unique approach and see how people respond. She didn’t want just to sew, she wanted to create. She didn’t want to implement but invent. She also met a large number of interesting and beautiful women who, for various reasons, remained out of work from a professional point of view. They were united by this interest in creation, which is exactly how they first met. What Ann really craved was to give these women a chance to prove themselves, to regain meaning, recognition, and satisfaction. She hasn’t hired anyone yet, because she was afraid that she needed to develop her business first and only then hire additional people.

We talked with Ann for a long time about how she would like to feel, what is important to her, and what she would easily give up. We talked about what energizes her, what makes her laugh and cry, which causes awe her and trigger a desire to sing and dance in the rain. Ann was talking about her cat, which, as it turned out, was taken from the shelter, and it is actually not even British after all...

January 2017

On January Victor — a bright, sensible guy who is totally excited about the online project— started working for Ann. She handed over to Victor all current matters, leaving for herself just the general strategy. Also, as of January, Ann hired two women in her studio. Together they will build their dream.

Ann was able to redistribute and delegate the work in such a way that she could pick up her children from school and spend evenings with them. Furthermore, Ann bought plane tickets to fly the whole family on vacation for two weeks at the end of February. For Ann, this will be the first vacation in the past five years. Finally, she signed up for yoga...

Post-scriptum

To maintain her confidentiality, I do not include Ann’s feedback in the feedback section on the website, I’ll just leave it here.

Dear Maria, thank you for your support, for your inexplicable and incredible faith in me! Nobody believed in me as you did! If it wasn’t because of you, I would just run away. I would give up everything and run away from everyone. And it is unlikely that I would have decided something for myself. It is very difficult to decide to get off the habitual track, even when it seems like it’s not your track. The fact that you made me believe that my wishes are possible is already a lot. But most importantly, you know how to “open up” a person and pull out not only her dreams but also the strength to move towards these dreams. I can tell you for sure that I would still stomp on the spot with the atelier if it weren’t for your kick! Thank you for calling me “the smartest fool!”, I will make myself such a T-shirt: I promise! And I won’t give up anymore. And if I feel that I want to give up, do know — I will immediately run to you. Thanks again!!! XoXo, Ann.

“Personal buddy: wise friend for rent” is neither a life coaching nor a psychological session. It is a conversation with a knowledgeable person, eager to understand you and help you find your way, while also thinking along with you and sharing all the relevant tools and experiences. It is a project where I bring together my 10+ years of mediation and negotiation experience into the new plane — that of helping you solve inner conflicts. I will act as your sparring-partner, your supporter and your critic, in other words, as your wise friend for rent.

The personal buddy project launched in October 2016 and up to the moment of writing this article successfully helped 113 clients from 17 countries.

For more information about the project in English, please visit https://personalbuddy.tilda.ws or contact me directly. 

(For more information in Russian, please stop by https://personal-buddy.com)