The 'story' of my life...

Einstein said, ‘adversity introduces a man to him’…?

After the birth of my daughter in Dec 2016, I struggled.?I did the typical guy thing, I buried my head in the sand, I looked for and found convenient distraction in work and exercise, I did my damnedest to supress my feelings of shame, anxiety and worry.

But that’s not where my issues stemmed from.

Not having my dad in my life was never an issue for me growing up.??

I didn’t know any different.?My mum tried her best and my grandparents treated me like their own. I had a fun, loving childhood.

I joined the Army at 17, looking back, even then, I was distancing myself from the issues I didn’t yet consciously know I had…

Because of my employment in the Army, I moved around a lot.?Different regiments, battalions and units.?I loved it, I thought been in the Army taught me how to be man; to be strong, independent, resilient, how to shave, fight and f##k.

It taught me those superficial things.?

It also taught me how to manipulate myself, how to stonewall my emotions, how to make myself look good whilst hiding all of my insecurities.

I wore many masks. My uniform was my armour. It protected me from self doubt, a fear of failure and feeling like I needed to be perfect in every way.

And for a young man whose deepest fear was rejection, fuelled by my absent father, and who didn’t know who he was or who he wanted to be, the military gave me an identity, a strong and tangible sense of purpose…

In 2012, after 11 years’ service, at the age of 28, I left the forces in a senior position as an award winning commando training instructor.

(I am not resentful or negative toward my service. Looking back, I am proud of my military career and have fond memories from all over the world).

The year previous, 2011, I married the love of my life and our first child, our daughter was born in December 2016.

But by May 2017, I had imploded, I experienced some kind of breakdown and I pressed self-destruct on my entire life.

We separated. It was messy, it was painful.?I was secretly tearful everyday but hid it all behind my egoic, stoic mask. I did as Orwell said, 'he wears a mask and his face grows to fit it’.

Christmas Day, 2017 was the worst day of my life, alone, in a rental, too embarrassed to seek help, something happened that changed the direction of my entire life...

Call it fate, serendipity, call it what you like, but that day, my life changed and I took a different path.

On that Christmas Day, after a long lonely run, I opened a bottle of wine and then another.

I had been gifted a book by a friend which I had no intention of reading as I knew it had a spiritual bias, but far from sober, I opened it.

It was Untethered Soul.

I turned the pages and within a few short chapters, I learned that I didn’t have to listen to my inner critic, the one that was one constantly reinforcing my fears and relentlessly reminding me of my failings in every facet of my past.

I learned how to calm my incessant mind and dilute my future fears.

The mental fog started to lift.

Next, my wife and I began talking. Naively and perhaps prematurely, we booked a make or break holiday to the Maldives and whilst there, I again experienced a sliding door moment.

I met a guy on the beach.?

He flippant remarked that 'we must be the only two guys in the Maldives reading self help books'... Next came a question I didn't have the courage to answer...

He said, 'what's your story' to which I replied, 'you go first'...

And he did.

He shared his life story, and as our conversation developed and deepened, it was clear he too had lived through his own adversity.

At 35 years of age, having spent my life surrounded by men in sports teams and in the military, I didn't know it was possible for men to speak that way; to take down all their defences and let other men in. I had honestly never seen or heard any man, anywhere speak with such vulnerability and courage.

That man, on that day, on that beach said something to me that was profoundly moving.

He undoubtedly changed the entire course of my life and if you ever hear me speak, and I hope you do, I'll share with you what he said...

Needless to say, I came back from the Maldives a very different man and my life has grown and progressed ever since.

I've been on personal development retreats, courses and seminars all around the world. I've sat naked with other men, I've taken part in tribal initiation ceremonies, I've experienced marriage counselling and men's groups.

I've faced my demons, we all have them, and the easiest way to explain my life now is to simply bullet point it:

• My wife and I have built a new marriage.?We’re deeply connected, we're happier, more emotionally intimate and have more love for each other now than when we got married 10 years ago.?I fully acknowledge that to have a fantastic relationship, you have to work on it, and yourself and communicate constantly.
• I am the father of two beautiful children.?My daughter is now 4, she’s beautiful boisterous. My little boy is 2, he's handsome and incredibly kind.?The focal point of my parenting for them both is emotional intelligence.?They frustrate and test me but they bring me immense joy – I love them both with all my heart.
• I’ve leveraged the pain of my past to create my business, BetterMen.?I provide a ‘safe’ space for other men to take off their masks and get out of their own way so they can live healthy, happy and successful lives.?I’ve coached over 90 courageous man and impacted 1000’s of others with my thought leadership.
• I facilitate a monthly men's walking group with over 140 members. We're called Men & Mountains. Together, myself and the other members have built a unique community of likeminded men that meet to walk, talk and connect in nature to support, motivate and inspire each other.

Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor said, 'when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves' and I've being challenging myself consistently ever since that fateful day in the Maldives.

So here's how I want to wrap this sharing up.

My adversity introduced myself to myself.

I didn’t like what I found so I changed it. I changed myself.

I think, feel act very differently to the man that hide behind his masks and the 'nice guy' persona.

As a result, whilst I'm far from perfect, I'm certainly no longer lost or directionless.

My life, my family, my friends, my career, my life goals all feel aligned and congruent.?

I have a strong sense of self, and I trust myself implicitly.

I'm able to feel my feelings and express my needs in an assertive but compassionate manner.

And although I don’t know what my future will hold, I know that it will be better than my past and that my intuition will lead the way.

I share this with you as a beacon of hope.?

It’s for any man out there that's in the 'messy middle' of his life. It's for any wife that’s concerned about her husband, any friend that’s concerned about a fellow friend or any sibling that sees their brother/s struggling.

My message, sent with empathy to every man out there is this: If I can change, so can you.

Don't run away, don't shut down and instead of manning up, I encourage you to open up, to let people in and to deal with whatever difficulties you're experiencing in an open and transparent way.

Yours in becoming better.

Dan.