More Than Meets The Kraken

I inked my fourth while I was in Bangkok recently, not on a whim but after a well-researched deliberation. It was my second this year and the largest I have done to date. While I have every intention to build it up into a sleeve it is still, for now, inconspicuous because I am not incredibly na?ve to think it is not going to have a significantly negative influence on people who do not know me well.

That aside, much thought has been put into designing this visual expression, which is meant to be a personal narrative of two of the darkest periods of my life during which, I had almost given up on the will to live. These two periods occured unexpectedly, one after the other. I had won a momentous victory over the first, only to be thrown into the next.

No one knows what you have been through or what your pretty little eyes have seen, but I can reassure you: Whatever you have conquered, it shines through your mind. ~ Nikki Rowe

The choice of a maritime-themed representation is a crucial part of this narrative. To the early seafarers, the sea was a great unknown - treacherous and dangerous. The sea represented what I thought of life: a horde of lurking monsters hidden in its inconceivable depths. To be a monster worthy of its mythological tales, simply being gigantic was not enough. It would also need to have some means to attack a ship and kill its crew. Naturally the Kraken came to mind.

The ship represents my feeble attempt at sailing through life as if on a great adventure until my encounter with the relentless Kraken, which was determined to break and sink me. Like me, the ship had clearly come under substantial attack, its sails tattered and torn. Worn, but not broken - still fighting to press on and survive. I communicated this idea to the guys at All Day and @Tum, the artist assigned to me, put together this depiction that was better than what I had conjured in my mind. I am impressed and grateful for the dedication he had in ensuring it turned out exactly the way I would have liked before we inked the deal.

Warriors should suffer their pain silently. ~ Erin Hunter

The process took just over 3-hours, during which in the midst of the pain, I wrote up this article with one hand and my phone, but mostly in my mind:

Stay The Course, Keep Sailing

Despite it being my fourth, my mind was a flurry of indecision. I suddenly realised I had sweaty palms even when I usually do not. I cannot help but feel how extremely bad ass everyone else in the studio seem to be in comparison.

While in most part the journey was forged ahead with great certainty, the INFJ in me was torn between creatively and strategically planning that full sleeve while doubting the design is apt enough. I fret and worried over the possibility that I might find a better representation of what I am feeling in this season, after the deed is done.

Mixed emotions are inevitable when anything permanent is involved - the struggle was very real. My first was done for no reason other than for the sake of fighting the rebellious feelings in me, bowing to the allure of permanent body art. But it was, sadly, the only one I have regretted for many years after. In fact these days I ignore it and pretend it is not there. It is forgotten until the time I conceive a new design when the visual of it haunts my mind.

I haven't quite regretted the others I had done recently. Perhaps each was done specifically to mark my thoughts and feelings of each season of my life. They express the good and the bad, hate and love, helplessness and hope - my personal struggles.

And like the struggle to actually see through the plan of each subsequent tattoo (and life in general), my Kraken reminds me that I should stay the course, keep sailing.

Deal With It

Once Tum started, it sinks in. His tiny needle buzzes and an almost unbearable pain hits my arm. Wave after wave it comes as I switch into full regret mode and I mentally consider inflicting pain on him as well. By this time, I had reached the point of no return and, as such, I entertain only one thought in my mind: Just wait for the end result it is going to be great! I can only hope.

Pretty soon, my mind phases out the excruciating pain and it no longer hurt as much. It simply feels more like a persistent, annoying discomfort rather than pain as my mind switches to the "are we there yet?" mode. I just want to be done so I can get out of the place with the permanent proof of yet another awesome life choice (and so that Tum will stop poking me repeatedly.)

Just like that, I realised that our body has an amazing way of dealing with pain. As excruciating as it might be, once you decide not to let it hurt you, the pain recedes to the background.

And like the struggle to reach that decision point, my Kraken reminds me that I should deal with it.

Do Not Dwell In The Past

I soon get bored of watching Tum work and began writing this article in my mind and jotting some notes on my phone with the other free hand. Before I knew it, two hours had gone by. "I need to take a break," Tum said. Are you kidding? You are the one inflicting the pain!

Then came three words that snapped me out of the irrelevant silent protest.

"Take a look!" These are probably the three most scariest words when spoken by the person who had just been drawing something on you that literally cannot be removed. My mind flutters between a flurry of indecision to sheer panic, hoping beyond reason that I would not hate it. Thankfully when I peered between my fingers, I loved what I saw.

The depiction had looked good on paper but it looked even better on my arm. It hit me then: the regret, the struggle to overcome the pain - they were necessary to get me to this point. Those dark periods did not kill me, they only made me stronger. Sometimes your heart has to be broken, so that love can come back in through the cracks.

And like how everyone says "Every 'No' brings you closer to a 'Yes',", my Kraken reminds me to not dwell in the past.

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Are you going through a dark period, have you been hurt or had your heart broken? Believe in the greater plan to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Keep the faith.

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