The story of the mother of an unborn child

It was too late when the doctor’s discovered that my baby is not good. Too late to keep it and too late to let him go.

When they told me I have to let him go I felt like a murderer. How can a mother murder her own child? But what can you do when your only way out is that your baby have to go out?

Even though I was inside the hospital listening to the doctor, I was completely out of myself. There were two hearts beating so fast and so loud that I couldn’t hear my own voice. I could hear the heartbeat and feel the unspoken words of my baby. He was 22 weeks live.

For the first time I consciously start to connect with my child. Desperately searching for a meaning and asking him to give me an answer why he chose me? And now that he choose me why he is living me?

I felt so guilty because I was terrified and not happy when I discovered I’m pregnant. I knew it that if I keep the baby I have to let go the father. And I wanted him so much. But he didn’t want me to have his child. I felt I didn’t reach out to my child, I excluded him.

And then…my heart froze. There was nothing else than a big hole in my chest. A hole that was bleeding and hurting so much that I couldn’t stop crying. Even now after 12 years if I think about it, I still feel the emptiness.

Months after I delivered a death baby every single day I fell on my knees praying for forgiveness for the crime I have done. I had still the mother in me. 

Many times, I heard people saying to me: “Oh, but it was only 22 weeks old, so it’s not so important.” Or, “You are lucky to have it out you don’t know how sick your child would be!” Or: “Time heals everything!” etc.

Every star that starts to shine no matter how big it is has a purpose. My small shining star taught me that, loss is the other side of abundance. Whenever you lose something, the Universe will make it up for you.

Now when we are celebrating the Women’s day I want to give recognition to those mothers who have lost their babies.

Let’s pray for the strength of those mothers who find the way to live with the pain of the broken connection, to live with their gilt, their struggle…Some of them make decision to shut down the small star under excuses that it is not the right time, not enough money, it is not the right father etc.

And some who did everything just to have a shining star they lost it because the Mother Nature decided for them. A choice was made by the Universe. Both mothers will never forget the loss of their child. Part of their heart will always be with the child that is no longer here.

Does the loss of the baby makes us still a mother? ?Yes, we will remain mothers of an unborn children, forever!