The Story of Dadversity

30 years ago I stood powerless at the top of the stairs, shoulder-to-shoulder with my brother and sister as my mum's partner punched her twice.

My brother did his best to protect her. He was a little older, but he stood little chance.

It was a long sequence of violent displays, from a volatile man who, frankly, had no control over his mind.

He was dependent upon alcohol.

I'll never forget that night. Landlines were the thing, and we were fortunate to have one upstairs.

My sister called the police.

I vividly remember standing at the front bedroom window, seeing fluorescent jackets walking up the driveway asking if we were okay.

For the first time in f*cking ages, it felt like we probably were.

Gary was an abusive man. He didn't understand parenting. Always drunk. Hated his job. Way too heavy.

We didn't have to worry about him anymore, thankfully.

He was on the scene because 3 years prior my Dad had left home. Dad had an affair and decided to start a new life. It happens.

We had a very patchy relationship. Sometimes it was great, other times, often for long periods, it was non-existent.

When Dad passed away in 2022 I can't begin to explain the pain of having questions that will remain unanswered forever.

It wasn't until I spoke with my uncle after the funeral that my head ached. You know the pain you get in your throat when you're trying not to cry?

My uncle told me how Dad always spoke about my kids, my wife, and how proud he was of me despite never telling me directly. It was tough to take.

I'd do anything for one trip to watch Wolves at Molineux and talk about what went wrong, and how we could have fixed it together. I'd love his perspective.

When Dad left, from the ages of 4-18, Mum tried. She really did try. She got into two unhealthy long-term relationships, but I don't blame her for that.

Mum had three young kids then. Professionally she was a carer. She does it better than anyone I know.

If you need something, Mum's there. Not financially, but emotionally. Giving is one of the greatest skills she taught me.

She pours from an empty cup every single day. That's one thing I'd love for her to change. She should focus more on herself, but she's a relentless giver.

With Gary out of the way, and a sense of calm restored, Mum met a guy called Phil.

At this stage my Dad was AWOL. Our relationship flatlined. He'd sold a business and moved to Paphos. Years would pass without a conversation. He had a new wife and child.

But you know what? Life was good. Phil, at his core, was a lovely guy with really good intentions.

Between 11-16 he introduced me to cricket. He used to be the Groundsman at Norcross. Every year he won an award for his contribution to the club.

Every Saturday morning I'd play on the 5-a-side pitch whilst he rolled the wicket ahead of the Saturday and Sunday games.

But behind the camaraderie at cricket, Phil began to struggle. His previous demons returned and he started drinking again.

At the start it was a little, then it became a lot.

For years his hands would visibly shake before a bottle of whisky pacified him for another day.

Things weren't good, but they were liveable. Phil was a 'nice drunk,' until he wasn't.

Just as quickly as Phil swung a damaging fist, the relationship was over. Mum went through the pain all over again with the stitches to prove it.

It was a strange feeling. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him. I had every intention of doing it, and as we met the next day, he broke down. He couldn't even remember it, let alone believe it.

I'm sceptical as to whether that's the case and armed with the knowledge that I couldn't beat the sh*t out of an ant, we parted ways.

Phil lost his battle with alcohol and passed away around 10-12 years ago.

It was a case of what might have been from a selfish perspective.

Dad and I reconnected, which was incredible. A few beers here and there. Help with decorating my first home. I loved it.

Then we had a ridiculous and petty argument which meant we wouldn't speak, aside from the odd short text, for around 5-6 years.

When Dad passed away in 2022 it brought a real period of reflection. It was hard.

I'd become a Dad in 2019, and then again in 2020. Milo and Jacob were the centre of every decision I made.

Having kids tests every element of life, and when one part drifts you can bet other elements become uncomfortable.

It's expensive. It's frustrating. It's tiring. Don't get me wrong, it's incredible, but suddenly you gain a birdseye view of the past.

I could see how Dad left home. How debt accumulates. How it's possible that Dads would start drinking more to ease the pain of life drifting.

By August 2023, I decided on a walk to leave the world of recruitment.

On that walk, my mind went back to childhood. For the first time, armed with my own experiences of being a Dad, I viewed Dad's, Gary's and Phil's experiences with empathy.

What if there was a place they could have gone to help solve their issues?

I let go of much bitterness that day and decided to work on building Dadversity as a place where Dads can solve their life challenges.

I landed on a community that will always be free to access: content, coaches, challenges and connection.

We'll cover various topics and sub-topics, but initially it's going to focus on:

• Relationships
• Finances
• Fitness
• Nutrition
• Careers
• Business
• Parenting
• Addiction

I'm going to do everything possible to help Dads around the world solve their challenges.

More updates to follow.

Nathan ??