Story 8 - Swimming Shorts

As you may have picked up earlier in some of the stories, I was a chunky child and this extra weight stayed with me into my teenage years, and even into adulthood. I would try every new eating craze and exercise routine to lose the extra centimeters, but sadly my weight would fluctuate up and down, and to my horror, more up than down.?

I was never one that would enjoy swimming, even from an early age. Not because I couldn’t swim, but rather that I was acutely aware that I weighed more than other boys my age, and I felt more insecure in myself as the years went by. Now some of you may be thinking that children don’t think about such things, nor that they could ever tease another child for how they looked. I remember wanting to look like the other boys physically. They seemed more confident and that they enjoyed life more. I would constantly repeat to myself that if I lost the weight I would be happier. You are probably thinking that surely I had someone I could speak to and that I shouldn’t be having these thoughts anyway. I was too embarrassed to speak to anyone and as a child, I didn’t even know who I could speak to. This was before the age of the internet, so resources were few and far between. I wouldn’t have even known where to look in the library for books on the topic.?

I did not know then that acceptance of my self, my full self, would eventually lead me towards happiness. If only I was taught at an early age to fall madly and deeply in love with myself, that things may have worked out differently for me. It’s not a vain love of self, but rather a humble joyous acceptance of seeing your own uniqueness and beauty. Had the younger version of myself known this, I would have proudly paraded around the gala in my swimming shorts, and perhaps even in some tight-fitting speedos.?

Acceptance of self would perhaps have prevented me from eating my feelings away, which lead to obesity, nor would I have experienced the vicious cycle of losing weight only to gain it all back again, just to be accepted by people. What is interesting to note, that at my skinniest I still felt unseen by others, and sadly also unseen by myself. I saw myself through the unrealistic ideals of others, and it would take many years of unlearning and relearning, for me to set myself free.

When I started my ‘unmoulded’ initiative, it was just for this very reason. I needed to get out of the box that others had placed me in, and which I kept myself trapped in for decades. I had to learn to change my thoughts and the words I would say to myself. I wasn’t the fat child that hated sports and couldn’t win at anything. I wasn’t the unpopular boy that would try anything to be accepted by others. I wasn’t the labels I gave myself anymore, and I could only realise this for myself when I was willing to listen, learn more of and accept everything about myself.?

One of the biggest lessons I had to learn, and admit to myself was that even though I was gay, that I am unconditionally loved by my Heavenly Father. I had to shake off the years of indoctrination that I was living under, and that by being gay I was sin itself. Who does this to people? Perhaps more importantly, who allows it to happen to them? I was no longer going to pray away the gay nor eat my feelings. Living an unmoulded life set me free from the mental and emotional chains I had trapped myself in. It was as if a heavy weight had been removed from my shoulders, and most significantly, from my heart.?

Now where are all those brightly coloured speedos that I need to wear??