Story 6 – Stage Makeup

I had grown up in the church and had always seen myself as a Christian. My parents, grandparents, and generations before them were Christians, and this is all I knew. As a child I remember getting dressed in my ‘Sunday Best’ to go to church, and many times my grandma would say, “There’s our little pastor”. In my teenage years the dress code would thankfully become a bit more relaxed.

Mom and dad taught at Sunday School for years, and I would often help them wherever I could. One year I remember helping them to complete a huge painted backdrop for a Christmas play I was in at church. Now that I think about it, I never felt safe on the sports field, but on the stage I felt at home, so I always landed up being one of the main characters or the narrator of the play. I definitely had a knack for it, and loved every moment of being in the spotlight, nerves and all.

Sadly it was also at this very young age that I realised that being outgoing and as ‘extra’ as I was on stage, wasn’t always the most acceptable way to behave in the rest of my life, and especially in the church. I must say that this message never came from my parents, but rather from what I heard other people say and how they would treat me. Children can really bully each other, but it’s even more sad when it’s the Christian parents doing the bullying. I had learnt to shy away and crawl into a box, dimming my light. I continued to do so for many years.

I had obtained the skills on how to behave appropriately, and to remain within my church tribe, I became a children’s church leader, counsellor, and then early in my twenties, a church youth leader. The world would slowly change for the LGBTGI+ community, yet inside the church, it would remain the same as it always had been, exclusive and dictatorial.?

A few months ago I was helping out during children’s church, with a class composed of older primary school children and a few highschoolers. We were doing a lesson on where God could step in and totally remake one’s life, if you simply opened up your heart to Him. The one leader that was assisting had brought along stage makeup, as he was often involved in theatre shows. We had also brought along old clothes that could be used for the group activity. The stage makeup and clothes would help us show the children how one could have a complete ‘makeover’ when God stepped in. We divide the group into two teams and I would randomly choose one team member from each team to receive a makeover from their teammates. As I was about to start, the leader that had brought along the stage makeup said to me, “Remember not to choose any of the boys, as we wouldn’t want to confuse any of them.” I was taken aback and years of shame and dimming of my light came rushing in. I kept my composure and continued with the activity, with two girls that had volunteered. There was no point in making a scene or speaking with the leader, because nothing I could say would eliminate years of ignorance and systemic brainwashing, sadly which is still prevalent within the church.?

I would continue being who I was, and I would aim to be God’s living expression of love and acceptance. Over the past couple of years I have been personally challenged by this, and as I got closer to my 40th birthday I decided that the dimming of my light would no longer take place. I would turn up the brightness of the light inside of me, burning all fear and shame away. In so doing, I would become a guiding light to others to authentically and lovingly accept themselves, even when people who have no desire to be curious and open, deem them to be second class citizens.

It’s first class all the way for me now, and this journey has only just begun.