Story 3 - House Parties

Now this title would make me sound cooler than what I am or that house parties were a common occurrence for me growing up. Sadly I must disappoint you, and admit that Anthony Brown was not the most popular person in school. It also did not help that the benchmark for popularity used by most people back then was that the popular people had an athletic build, tanned skin and smiled with pearly white teeth. Sadly it seems that this unattainable benchmark still roams the school hallways, causing?so many young people to question who they are and whether they ever will be good enough, good enough to be invited to house parties.?

Don’t get me wrong, I was invited to house parties and when it happened, it was as if a glimmer of hope sparked something inside of me, and that my existence here on earth had meaning. Shallow I know, but this is what a 16-year-old wants, in fact what they believe they need. If the invite came from one of the ‘popular’ kids, it was as if someone had given you a golden ticket. Something inside of you would shout out with exuberance, “You have finally been noticed, perhaps you are not that bad, and finally everything will be okay”. What a very low bar to set I know, but as most children growing up, all you want is to fit in and to find your ‘crowd’, or as we would call it today, your ‘tribe’. It is sad how we carry this need with us into our adult lives, and how it unknowingly drives so many of our actions.

So having written all of that, what about house parties? The one thing that stands out for me regarding most of these parties, is that it was better to perhaps call them ‘sidewalk’ parties. For some unimaginable reason, everyone would always end up on the sidewalk outside the house. Whether in summer or in the cold of winter, this is where we all landed up. Huddled together in groups, either talking about what happened at school during the week, the camp that was happening in the month ahead, and inevitably who had a crush on who.

I just remember not doing most of the talking, and that I would awkwardly smile at certain points during the conversations, laugh when I saw others do so, and pretend I was having a great time throughout. All in an attempt to fit in, and to hopefully be invited to the next ‘sidewalk’ party.?

Now as I reflect back, I never got a chance to kiss anyone at one of these parties, even though I had numerous crushes. Unbeknownst to me, or perhaps me repressing it, I was struggling not only with being accepted, but my own sexuality too. It really wasn’t something you spoke about, and I don’t think children my age even knew how to have the conversation. There was no real safe space to speak about such things, not any school teacher I could go to confidently to say, “I think I am gay”.??

I felt I was far from the popularity benchmark I had created in my own mind, even though it was reinforced by the media, tv shows and advertising of that time. I had to not only deal with this inadequacy, but who I was attracted to as well. Bottling up all my thoughts and emotions, as you simply did not speak about such things.

In my life, house parties for many, became ‘a party for one’.?