Stop Yelling

By Lindy Earl

Do you remember the adage, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar? Of course you do. You may have even quipped in return, “Who wants to catch flies?” Well, if you’re trying to rid your kitchen of the pests, then you do. But that’s not the point. The saying is telling us that it is better to be kind than unpleasant.

How have people not learned this yet? I am friends with a gentleman, and we talk about every month or so. He called a few weeks ago, just to check in. He could tell from my voice, as well as my words, that I was happy to hear from him.

Then he commented that it was nice to call a person and not be yelled at. Excuse me? Who is yelling at you, and why are you calling them if they are going to yell? It seems that some people, call them high maintenance or maybe demanding, had their expectations, maybe hopes, dashed when he didn’t call them as often as they desired. So their response was to yell at him when he did (finally) call.

Think about the logic in this, and try to do so without laughing. I can’t help but laugh. A person, who you want to hear from, calls you, and your response is to yell. What is this gentleman’s motivation for calling you . . . ever again?

Using another personal example: I have been on dating sites. I never know if it’s better to respond to a query and state disinterest, or to not respond at all. Well, I guess I missed it for one guy. I never saw his original message, but wow did I loudly hear his follow up, yelling at me for not responding, telling me how rude I am, and saying good luck, “because I’ll need it!” Wow.

So, by yelling at me, this person (I cannot use the word gentleman because there was nothing gentle about him) has made himself incredibly unattractive. After a message like that, I can only be grateful that I never saw, or responded to, his original message. The poor women who do! They probably have no idea what’s coming if they fail to meet one of his expectations.

In truth, unpleasant responses have no business in our vernacular. We should always do our best to be kind and thoughtful, in every aspect of our lives. Why is it sometimes easier to be nice to people with whom we work, than people in our personal lives? What happens when some people are in both our professional and personal life?

I had one friend, years ago, with whom I got along well, even great. Then we started working together. While I liked him socially, I found that when he reported to me, some of his habits rubbed me the wrong way. I simply had different expectations, and I guess a lower tolerance, in a professional setting. Would it have been appropriate to yell at him, since we had been friends first? Of course not.

Yet we continue to see, and hear, people yell – yes, they raise their voices, to get their point across. Does this really help? It shouldn’t, but I guess it must. Maybe people don’t take us seriously until they hear yelling.

There are better ways to communicate, but it takes consistency. For instance, if you assign a task to an employee, and they fail to carry it out, rather than raising your voice, simply write up the employee and have them sign the rebuke. I think it’s the lack of consequences that make some people believe that it is okay to ignore instructions.

Is yelling ever appropriate? Yes. Sporting events come to mind. Yell and scream and cheer your team on to victory! Another reason: If you need to get someone’s attention immediately, then yell. I’m talking about an emergency, such as something is about to fall on them. But think about this. If you yell all the time, when an emergency does occur, and people hear you yelling, will they take notice immediately? Maybe not. You could become the boy who cries wolf, thus be ignored when an emergency really does exist.

I think yelling shows our emotions, which is understandable. There is nothing wrong with being passionate about something. I cannot think of a time that I have yelled, however, where the information could not have been better imparted calmly and with a moderated voice.

I think that we would all agree that yelling is not the best communication tool, but we continue to hear it. Let’s make a decision to never raise our voices in anger again. In addition to others appreciating our calm manner, I think we will be happier with ourselves for finding better means of communication. And maybe people will show that they are happy when you call them, and not yell at you.

I would love to hear from you. Please comment and share your thoughts. If you like this article please share with your network! [email protected].