Stop Wasting Time on Confidence
Dave Stachowiak
Host of the Coaching for Leaders podcast, downloaded 40 million times ? Helping leaders discover wisdom through insightful conversations
A friend of mine who’s leading a small business sent me a message today. He wrote:
I have a very hard time marketing, selling, etc. I need to just grit my teeth and be confident.
When I read those words, I immediately messaged him back and suggested that he spend exactly zero time trying to grit his teeth and be more confident.
Like him, at almost every stage of my career, I’ve wanted more confidence. The problem is that virtually none of us seem to be able to wish or will our way to confidence. Despite every grand intention I’ve had of being more confident, that alone has never moved the needle.
I finally stumbled on a better approach when I became a Dale Carnegie instructor, 15 years ago. Carnegie courses are incredible at helping people develop confidence — and I soon discovered why.
Carnegie instructors merely invited people to take the first step in doing hard things. Whether it was speaking in front of others for the first time, or expressing a different opinion, or building better human relations skills, our manta was clear:
Help people take a successful, first step.
In essence, encouraging bravery. The people who were willing to regularly feel the fear at do it anyway often found their confidence.
If you, like my friend, and like me, want more confidence, stop chasing it. Confidence is a lagging indicator. It’s what comes over time. You cannot force confidence today, hard as you and I have tried many times.
Almost certainly there’s a first step right now that is scary for you, but you know that if you did regularly, over time, would help you find your confidence.
Today, my invitation to you, just like to my friend, is to stop wasting time trying to build your confidence. Instead, simply do one, single act of bravery each day. If you are able to master the discipline of consistent bravery, you’ll eventually find all the confidence you’ll ever need.
consultant
5 年Well said! Just do whatever you fear once, twice, thrice and then you will be a master !
Leadership and executive coach | Women’s leadership coach | Facilitator | Keynote Speaker | Award winning author | Best selling Amazon author | Cultivating empowered women leaders
5 年Bravo! Confidence comes from building it again and again and again. It's a journey of a life time that takes commitment, action and the willingness to try new things (especially scary ones).?
This resonates indeed! Stepping out of our comfort zone and getting into action, just doing it leads to confidence. Trust you can do it, do it, and confidence comes. Thank you Dave!
Organisational Psychologist | Consultant, Facilitator & Coach | Psychological Safety, Leadership Development, Talent & Capability
5 年Dave Stachowiak?I completely agree, and wonder if you've ever read The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris, a well known teacher and practitioner of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) here in Australia? I use ACT principles in much of my leadership development and coaching work. His #1?rule around confidence is this - "The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later." So often people try to wait until they feel confident before taking any action. The problem is when those feelings never come! Thanks for sharing :)?
Current read: Wrong Fit, Right Fit: Why How We Work Matters More Than Ever by Andre Martin
5 年Confidence is lagging indicator. Love this!