Stop trying so hard

It’s not always about trying harder.

It is sometimes about seeing what you are not seeing. It is sometimes about feeling what you are not feeling.

I recently spoke to a client who said, “I tried too hard to control my anger, but I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Well, nobody could. Because your emotions are not meant to be controlled or suppressed. They are meant to be felt.

If you trace the root of human challenges you will find 'unwillingness to stay with a difficult emotion' as the most recurring theme.

For example, you wouldn’t have been so addicted to your smartphones if you were able to sit with your boredom. You wouldn’t have had to eat your stress away if you knew better ways to process it. You wouldn’t have hurried into unhealthy relationships if you could handle your fear of loneliness.

It’s not your mistake that you find quick escapes from these emotions. You were not taught to process these emotions nor did you see people around you do any better with emotions. However, it’s your responsibility that you learn better ways to deal with your emotions.

Storytime

A few weeks back a friend told me, “Arjun, my parents are holding onto the hurt from the past so tightly. They see everything with scepticism. It’s affecting me at a spiritual level. How can I make them let it go?”

Well, you cannot make them let it go unless they want to let go.

“So what do I do?”

Perhaps you need to let go of your need to change them.

“But that’s for their good, right?”

Not really.

“What do you mean?”

Their scepticism is creating some discomfort in you, and the only way you know to return to comfort is by bringing a change in them.

“Hmm.. I get it. But I want to see them at rest too.”

That’s true. However, you need to start with yourself first.

“Okay, so what do I do?”

Be willing to notice the need they are trying to fulfil by being sceptical.

“I think they are trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. So the need is safety or security I guess.”

Yes, you are correct. Don’t you also wear some armour to protect yourself from getting hurt?

“I do.”

So what makes you believe that they shouldn’t?

“Hmm.. I didn’t see it that way”

Now that you see that, don't try to make them let go. Instead, focus on helping them heal. Do it only if you have the patience to let them heal at their own pace. If not, allow them to be guarded, and focus on your judgements around their scepticism.

“It makes a lot of sense. Thank you for helping me see this.”

You are welcome :)

Reflection Questions:

1. What is the one thing that you have been trying so hard with no result?
2. Have you considered zooming out of the situation and seeing where exactly you are getting stuck?
3. Are you trying to change or control something that's not within your control?

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