Stop Trying To Change People … It Doesn’t Work!

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

   – Leo Tolstoy

Please, allow me to ask you a stupid question:

Has anyone ever tried to change you?

I wish I could see your smile right now.

And do they want you to change for their own interest or yours?

Perhaps for the common good, right?  

It’s a problem isn’t it? And a very pervasive one.

It actually starts at a very early age when our parents want us to change so we can be like them – in their own image. In reality, most parents do this so it appears natural and normal but of course it varies from culture to culture.

Later in life, this ‘socialisation’ process is perpetuated at school – our teachers always found ‘things’ we needed to change – did they not?

Then, at some point in life you probably partnered with or married someone. And before you even knew it, yes that’s right! They wanted you to change!    

How about at work?

Have you ever had a boss, peer or colleague or a direct report that wants you to change?

OK, OK, I hear you loud and clear!

Short quiz

What’s more vivid in your memory for each of the following questions?

1. What your parents told that you should change about yourself or your natural gifts and talents?
2. The defects of character your teachers repeatedly reminded you of, or your strengths?
3. The things your boss, peers or direct reports emphasise or hint at you that should change, or your signature strengths and what you do well?

Perhaps you had a completely different experience but it took me years to get rid of the clutter I accumulated over the first few decades of my life, to put things into perspective, and to develop faith in my natural talents and strengths.  

Of course, no one is perfect. We all have weaknesses and defects of character, but this is not the point.

The point is that we are all ‘conditioned’ to do what others told us – so this is not about blaming our parents or teachers!

But today we have the research-based knowledge and resources available to break the cycle.

Breaking the cycle

Trying to change others is not a good start especially if you want them to cooperate or collaborate with you.

When we are trying to change others, we are sending them the message that they are not OK as they are. Naturally, this puts people off and it’s completely unrealistic to expect them to cooperate with us. What a setup!  

It’s like starting a project by focusing on obstacles and constraints instead of focusing on possibilities and strengths.

What if … we took some time to identify the strengths of others and encouraged them to apply them.

Would this be a better strategy to build trust and foster either cooperation or collaboration?

As paradoxical or counterintuitive as it may sound, identifying and recognising the strengths of others (and our own) is far more demanding work than finding and pointing out their deficiencies. It’s like swimming against the current. It requires high levels of awareness, self-understanding, and mindfulness. Interestingly, it also requires high levels of self-acceptance, patience, tolerance, and humility – all components of self-leadership.

Identifying weaknesses, on the other hand, is easy work – a piece of cake, mate! And sadly it is also easy and quick to learn – losers are masters at it!

The strengths-based approach, a relatively new perspective in psychology, assists in breaking the negative cycle by guiding people towards making the most of what they are already good at in a way that our parents and teachers and most managers did not know – and still don’t do.

Playing to Your Strengths

Mistakenly, many people believe that positive psychology is all about positive thinking and smiling like a silly ‘happy Larry’ all the time.

There is nothing further from the truth.

Positive psychology is a research-based branch of psychology that encourages widening our focus from being mostly problem and deficiency centred, to also identifying and using our strengths and natural talents in our everyday lives – at both home and at work.

An extensible body of research indicates that positive workplaces are more successful because they increase employees’ positive emotions, well-being and engagement, developing their strengths, as opposed to fixing their weaknesses (some useful references below), which in turn provides competitive advantage to their organisation.

In his book Flourish, Martin Seligman, a pioneer of positive psychology, presents the PERMA model, which is an acronym for five important building blocks to happiness and well-being (P – Positive Emotion; E – Engagement; R – Relationships; M – Meaning A – Accomplishments). You can watch him explaining the model, his research, and some practical applications here PERMA.

Another example is Don Clifton – known as the father of Strength Psychology and inventor of the CliftonStrengths. His work is available at StrengthsFinder 2.0 Strengths Based Leadership.

Final Message: Become a ‘Gold Digger’

The more you try to change others; the more they will dislike and avoid you.

Stop doing it – it doesn’t work!

Instead, consider what it would be like if you were to become a ‘gold digger’ by focusing on the strengths and talents of yourself and others.

References

Botha, C., & Mostert, K. (2014). A structural model of job resources, organisational and individual strengths use and work engagement, SA Journal of Industrial Psychology, 40: 1–11.

Seppala. E. & Cameron, K. (2015). Proof that positive work cultures are more productive. Harvard Business Review, December.

? 2016 Sebastian Salicru

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Sebastian Salicru (Business Psychologist) 

Leadership Development Expert, Executive Coach, Facilitator, Trainer, Researcher and Author | [email protected] | www.pts.net.au