Stop Thinking You Have To Agree or Disagree

Stop Thinking You Have To Agree or Disagree

Have you ever found yourself taking sides in a conversation where you were trying to win the argument? You’re gathering all the evidence to support your side, and the other person is getting defensive, and you can feel the emotion rising in you.

What if, instead of trying to win the conversation,?we could create a space between agreeing and disagreeing?

After 25 years of observing interpersonal communication, my primary observation is that almost everyone, almost all of the time, listens with the intent to agree or disagree.

But when we listen with this?intent, every conversation turns into a competition to be right. Everyone with a different view becomes an opponent. We distrust the other side and become more entrenched in our own viewpoints.?

Is it any wonder that understanding and communication get lost in this win-at-all-cost environment??

I have learned there is a space between agreeing and disagreeing. In that space lies our ability to understand each other and ourselves.

Research demonstrates that when people feel heard and understood,?they become less argumentative?and are more open to incorporating different points of view. They also tend to understand their ideas better and can communicate them more clearly (1).?But none of this happens when our first objective is something other than trying to understand what the other person is saying.?

Listening to agree or disagree is our default. So it takes a concerted effort?to shift our mindset to this new way of listening.?

One way to do this is to evaluate your intent before or during a conversation.?

Is your intent:

- to reply

- to prove you?are right

- to avoid conflict

- to tell your side of the story

- to say something witty

- to share your “better” story

- to give advice

- to [fill in the blank]

Or are you really trying to listen and understand?what the other person is trying to say?

When we practice this better kind of listening,?we can connect deeply, build relationships, solve problems, and produce better results.

(1)?Rogers, C., Farson, R., Newman, R., Danzinger, M. and Cohen, M. (1987). ACTIVE LISTENING Excerpt from Communicating in Business Today. [online] Available at: https://wholebeinginstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/Rogers_Farson_Active-Listening.pdf.

?

Listen

The Greg McKeown Podcast

“This presumption that everyone should see eye to eye…that there shouldn’t be disagreement…that part of good work is agreeing with your colleagues…is fundamentally flawed.

If you want innovation, if you want inclusion, if you want things that matter to the organization, you have to surface those tensions.”?- Amy Gallo?

Join me and my guest Amy Gallo, author of the bestselling book?Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People),?and learn how healthy disagreement can actually strengthen relationships. Plus, discover how to find the words for those difficult conversations you’ve been avoiding.?

?Expand what you’re learning. Explore the?show notes?and access all the episode’s big ideas, tools, and resources.

?Learn

Why It's Worth Listening to People You Disagree With

One of the biggest threats in our society today is the ease with which we can build echo chambers. It can be comforting to surround ourselves with those who believe as we do. But, as Zachary Wood points out in his TED Talk, listening and engaging with people we disagree with helps us better understand ourselves and prepares us to find real solutions to complex problems.?

And, as uncomfortable as it may be, Wood argues that we are stronger, not weaker, by engaging with people whose ideas we disagree with. Listen to Zachary Wood's TED Talk?here.

Weekly Wisdom

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

― Maya Angelou

Get the 1-Minute Wednesday Newsletter delivered to your inbox for FREE each week.?Subscribe here.?