Stop telling carers to be tough: why true resilience is about bending, not breaking

In the world of unpaid carers, resilience is a word that gets used a lot, but it’s not always understood—even by carers themselves. I know this from personal experience. For many of us, resilience feels like another demand—something we’re supposed to have to just keep going. No matter what. But resilience is not about simply coping. It’s about flexibility, growth, and thriving, not just surviving.

The coconut tree principle: rethinking resilience

For carers, resilience is about flexibility—like a coconut tree that bends with the wind but doesn’t break. When the strong winds blow, the coconut tree sways and adapts to the forces, while the oak tree, tall and rigid, may seem invincible and strong but can break under pressure and come down in a storm. That’s what resilience is for us as carers—finding ways to bend and sway with life’s challenges without being broken by them.

But many carers feel uncomfortable with the word "resilience" because it can seem like an expectation to simply cope. However, true resilience is about being flexible, finding ways to adapt. It is about bouncing back—or even better, bouncing forward, using what we’ve learned to grow through adversity.

What resilience isn’t

I think the biggest misconception about resilience is taking it to mean “be tough.” People think it’s about hardening ourselves to face life’s difficulties, but it’s really about knowing when to ask for help and adjusting our approach to the challenges we face. It doesn’t mean going it alone—it’s about being resourceful, accepting support, and finding ways to keep moving forward in a healthy way.

Some carers also worry that resilience is used by the system as an excuse to leave us unsupported. It can feel like we’re expected to be resilient so we don’t need help, but resilience is not about being left to fend for ourselves. It’s about empowering carers to thrive,? and be able to continue to care for the person we look after.?

When we build resilience, it’s a win-win for everyone—carers, those we care for, and the social care system.?

When everyone brings you flowers, but you need meal prep

Like many carers, I discovered a new relationship with resilience the hard way. One of the most difficult times for me was when we moved house. My husband still needed care, and I was juggling everything—packing, moving, and trying to keep things running smoothly. People were kind and brought flowers to congratulate us on the new home, but looking back, I wish I’d asked them to bring meals or even help run the hoover around. I was trying so hard to show everyone that I was coping well, but I wasn’t asking for the help I actually needed.?

I pushed through and tried to keep everything going. But eventually, I hit burnout. I got to the point where I had to go to the doctor because I was so physically and mentally exhausted, it felt like something was medically wrong with me. Everything was out of balance and I was experiencing pure exhaustion from trying to hold everything together.

The washing machine test

I realised that resilience isn’t just about carrying on no matter what. It’s about being flexible enough to recognise when things are too much and when help is needed. I’ve learned the importance of asking for support and allowing myself to be open to help. I now know that real resilience comes from admitting when you can’t do it all.

Since then, I’ve developed my own personal gauge for measuring my resilience on any given day. I call it the ‘washing machine test.’ I ask myself, “If the washing machine broke down today, would I fall to the floor in tears or would I be able to laugh about it?” If I can laugh about it, I know I’m in a resilient place. If I feel like I would collapse from the stress, it’s a sign that I’m pushing too close to the edge, and I need to step back, ask for help, and give myself some space to breathe. It’s a simple measure, but it helps me to keep track of how flexible and resilient I’m feeling.

You dont start resilient - you grow resilient

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned through my own journey is the value of a growth mindset. We all start from different levels of resilience, and that’s okay. Some people are naturally more resilient than others, but it’s something we can all build. A growth mindset means recognising that we can change, learn, and adapt from the challenges we face. It’s about understanding that just because something was difficult before, doesn’t mean it always has to be that way.

At Mobilise, we provide the tools, content, and coaching that help carers build this resilient growth mindset, from establishing healthy habits to finding new ways to handle difficult situations. Our community offers a safe, moderated space where carers can learn from one another, share their experiences, and realise they’re not alone in facing challenges. It fosters a sense of belonging, which is so important for maintaining a positive outlook.

We also focus on helping carers develop self-awareness and understanding through our support articles, and events like our Mobilise: LIVEs. We believe that resilience grows when carers understand their strengths, recognise their limits, and learn strategies to cope better. It’s about building self-awareness so that carers can make informed decisions about when to seek help and how to manage their own well-being. Like all great learning experiences it isn’t just about understanding these helpful tools, together we try them out and refresh our memories about these strategies from time to time.

Resilience is not just about enduring challenges but learning to thrive through them—and that’s the mindset we cultivate at Mobilise.

When carers thrive, everyone wins

For local authorities and councils, investing in carers’ resilience is not just a nice idea—it’s essential if they want to fix the system. When carers are resilient, they can provide better care for longer, and they’re less likely to burn out. This reduces the pressure on care services.?

But it’s not only about saving money. When we invest in carers, we invest in better outcomes for the carers, for the people they care for, and for the care system as a whole. Resilience aligns with key social care outcomes. It reduces isolation, increases connection, and ensures that carers have the tools they need at that moment in time. By building resilience before we hit crisis mode, we create a system that supports carers at every stage of their journey.

If you’d like to learn more about how Mobilise can support unpaid carers in your area, please drop me a message, I’d love to have a chat. Together, we can create a system where carers don’t just survive—they thrive.