Stop Punishing Yourself

Lots of people punish themselves through self-sabotage and lots of people worry about saying the wrong things, therefore don't say anything. As long as you've got good intentions there is no wrong thing to say. As long as you're not being horrible, there is no right and wrong. It's really interesting, so many people, myself included wonder about what is the right thing to do and say. Sometimes there isn't a right and wrong way, there's just a way. Self-sabotage come up so much, especially with dating. 

I've seen lots and lots of comments and lots and lots of posts about self-sabotage that's going on in people’s relationships and this is where I'm going to get a bit real with you guys because it's about punishment and I know a lot of you guys do this. You punish yourself for things you think you deserve to happen to you – this especially happens in abusive relationships. Lots of you and I know lots of people around the world, punish themselves for things they've done wrong or been told they've done wrong by their ex-partner. Even if you've:

Just come out of an abusive relationship

Come out of an abusive relationship a long time ago

Never been in any sort of situation of that sort.

You think that:

“If I'd have done this differently, if I'd have been different, if I'd looked different, talked different, sounded different, acted different all this stuff wouldn't have happened to me.”

You think that there's something wrong with you and blame yourself and beat yourself up and then think that all the bad things that have happened to you are some form of punishment and reconciliation for the stuff and the choices and the decisions that you’ve made in the past.

Whether that be to do with your children, whether that be to do with your relationship, whether that's to do with your family or friends, lots and lots and lots of people are punishing themselves for things that are just not their fault!

Correcting these stories of failure around things that are not failure, is so so important and this comes back down to values and beliefs again. What is actually important to you? What am I looking for?

As I always say about the Sat Nav, a Sat Nav will not give you directions if you do not give it a destination. So, how are you supposed to get anywhere in your life if you don't know what you're striving for. Now, I don't mean just with goal setting, I mean the reasons behind the goals. Because, a lot of people believe the things that happen to them have hurt them and they deserve it. They deserve this punishment, therefore they self-sabotage themselves, because somewhere deep inside them, they believe they deserve it and it's their fault and they should punish themselves. Hence why they sleep with multiple men, which destroys their self-worth, even though they tell themselves it's going to somehow make them feel better. 

Whether that's harming themselves, whether that's actual physical or mental and emotional abuse, you do not realise how negative and horrible that voice in your head that tells you that you're not worthy actually is and, how destructive that is to your whole life, because I know that so many people go through their life not being happy and beating themselves up and destructing things that are good for them and putting obstacles and fears and anything else they can think of in their own way and I want to help you take it down. Because, lots of people will put up false, as they call it, masking problems. This problem that they believe happened to them, but really that's not the truth. 

The real problem is very, very deep and until you ask yourself what I ask you, some very deep-rooted questions, you're never going to find out what's truly going on for you. You need to work out what's truly driving you, what your true needs of the soul are, and what you actually need to feel loved and fulfilled and complete. If you're chasing a man to get that, let me give you some news. A man will not make you feel loved inside. They may make you feel loved on a surface level and they may make you feel somewhat fulfilled, but they'll never be able to love you like you can love yourself. And, they will not be able to ever teach you how to love yourself. A man coming into your life in an intimate relationship will never be able to give you self-love. Now, you may have had that in what you think was that in the past, but that is not true self-love. That's somebody else being an enabler, to help you or hold you up. That's not what you want to achieve. That's not true.So many people come to me and say, you won't fix me, I'm too broke and I'm too far gone for you. All they're doing there is telling themselves that there is no solution, there is no fix. Because, if they said:

“I really want to find the answer to my problems, I'd love you to help me their mindset changes.”

We’d be able to work out the root cause. When people tell you they're far too gone to be fixed, they're just giving themselves a significant statement that they're too far gone. They're too far gone past the point that you can help them, so then they believe that story that everything's not worth trying. They don't have to try, because it's easier to not try and it's easier to just stay inside this bubble of your life, than jumping out of it. But newsflash, it's not, because the life you could have is so much better, if you literally just believe in yourself and stop giving up, just because you’ve made some mistakes in the past. 

It all comes from our values and beliefs, and most people do not know what theirs are. Most people do not know what their true values and true beliefs are. Self-sabotage is so common, so powerful, and it gets in the way. 

Going into your greenhouse and singing like, I want some change, think positive thoughts, look in the mirror and tell myself I'm going to be good enough today. As great as affirmations and stuff like that is in setting your state of physiology, it does work to an extent. You need to find out what the true problem in your life is and work out what the true reason behind your actions and behaviour actually are. It's really powerful. Our brains are so much more powerful than you give credit for, which is why they can either destroy your life or make your life. It's just which way you want to harness it. Because, if you tell yourself you don't know how to harness your brain or harness your emotions or take control, that's fine. I don't know how, means I'm open to finding a solution.

If you tell yourself that it's not going to happen, it's never going to work, then you won't try, you won't put any effort in, then you won't get anywhere. If you tell yourself that you want a more positive lifestyle and you're actually committed to getting it, you will find a way how. If you tell yourself life sucks, your life will suck for you. And, if you want to be a victim, if you want to be someone who punishes themselves and beats themselves up, cool. But, that is not how I would live my life and it's certainly not how I want you to live yours, because it's not the way to live. It's destructive, it's not helpful, it's not good for you, it's certainly not good for your kids if you've got them and it will never ever, ever serve you in a relationship, because no one apart from other miserable people will want to be around miserable people and negativity. 

Misery likes company so you'll see that surrounding yourself with positivity makes a massive difference to you. Most people want to stay in their comfort zones, stay in their bubble.But, when I say comfort zone, I say comfort zone you're not comfortable, because you're not having a nice time. If you're self-sabotaging and punishing yourself, you're not having a nice time. Life is not good for you, so either stay in a place where life's not good for you, or you make some form of effort to break out of that cycle of negative thoughts, negative language and negative behaviour, to get some change. Because, otherwise life will continue being a let down.

You're not in a comfort zone, you're in a painful zone. It's different, there's a difference between painful zone and comfort zone. You're not content, you're not happy, you're sabotaging your own life and you're punishing yourself for things that you think are your fault that are not. So, your comfort zone is not a comfort zone, you’re just scared of the effort it will take to move out of this. Your comfort zone is a pain zone that's not helpful, it's not productive and it's certainly not helping or:

Your children

Your friends

Your family

Any future relationship

Any relationship that you're in right now. 

So, if you ask somebody right now:

“Do I self-sabotage I constantly get myself in my own way and I'm punishing myself?”

I want you to think about why. And, I'm not talking surface level, or why this happened, and this happened. I'm talking about the deep-rooted cause. What I always say to people is 

“What happened to you? What did you do that was so bad that makes you deserve this life for yourself?”

Because, you're choosing to live like this. Whereas you could and you can change that. Imagine if you stop punishing yourself for things that are just not your fault, even though you once upon a time decided must be your fault and you must deserve it. You just have to accept that you can't change the facts in life, but you can decide what the meaning of those facts is and what you're going to do about that and then, you want to find out what's truly important to you. Why have you got goals you have if they're not making you feel fulfilled, or have you met goals before that didn't make you feel fulfilled? Have you not got goals at all and you have no idea where you are in the world and what you're doing it for; what every day is about, why every day is not making you feel like you're moving closer towards being happy.

It’s time to stop punishing yourself.

For daily support from Life and Relationship Coach Ben Edwards, click here.