Stop Prescribing Unsolicited Advice

The internet is filled with millions of experts who tell us tips and strategies on how to improve our lives. "3 Ways to Enlightenment", "7 Essentials for Making Your Strategy Succeed" and so on. There is nothing wrong with sharing an opinion as long as you do not prescribe it to others.

The post "10 Happiness Practices a Doctor Prescribes to His Patients" that I received for Christmas from a kind friend with good intentions reminded me of one of the most challenging times in my life. A time when some good people gave me unhelpful unsolicited advice out of good intentions: "?????? ??????'?? ???????? ???????????? ???????????? ?????? ???????? ????????????????."?That made me feel worse. When someone is in need of hope and support, this is the last thing that they need to hear.

If you have ever been very sad or depressed, my story might resonate with you. Instead of listening and trying to understand what I am going through and giving me words of encouragement, I felt judged. Firstly, it is not true that you can't love unless you love yourself. Every functional parent can tell you that. I could love my kids and my family. I could also share the love with people who needed me and volunteer. Love is not only what you get, is also what you give. Being in the zone where love is shared is nourishing. It also helps you combat loneliness.

The lessons that I have learned from that experience are:

1. Be patient and listen first: Until today, I often regret when I jump to conclusions. I am constantly retraining myself to listen first using Steven Covey's 5th habit "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Whenever I do that, I am amazed at how much I can learn and enjoy extraordinary stories that totally change my perspective. Often people do not want advice, they desire the gift of being present so they can feel heard and cared for.
2. Be careful of my own projections: Often we are slaves to our opinions and experiences. They become the sieves that filter what we hear to what is familiar. Out of a great desire to help, I could actually unintentionally be harmful. It took me years to internalize what my mentor and business partner Lenny Ravich once said: "Once I had an opinion and that was the worse day of my life". Just because that I have an opinion does not mean that it is right.
3. Be sensitive: When I understand better the state of mind of the other person, when I pay attention to if and when it will be a better time to engage, I manage to be more helpful and supportive. There is a much higher chance for a meaningful connection when I can make the other feel that we are aligned. Gathering intelligence before any interaction gives you more options and increases the chances of success. Not doing so often gets other people to be defensive.
4. Planning: Success in the game of chess often requires planing a few moves ahead. In delicate situations, I try to run my words in my mind before I speak them and ask myself what will be a possible reaction to what I say. How can I phrase my thoughts in the most respectful, safe, and caring way? Sometimes I need to filter my words to be helpful, non-judgmental, and uplifting. I remind myself of Thumper's wise quote in the movie Bambi: "If ya can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."
5. Ask for permission: Asking permission gives the space for the other to be open to your suggestions. Not asking permission usually ends up as a conflict especially if you try it on your teenagers. As parents, we often confuse two different concepts. Sense of #ownership and sense of #belonging. While we belong to our kids and they belong to us, we do not own them and they do not own us. When we say something such as "You are ungrateful" or "You should..." or "You must..." or "You never..." or "You always..." chances are that you are talking from the state of mind of ownership. We feel that we have earned the right to say what we want. We feel entitled to say it when we want it, how we want it. But this can make others defensive and unwilling to cooperate.

They say that "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Having a good intention is important but insufficient. So how will you give advice next time?

In contrast to what I said above, there are times that we must take unsolicited advice and action if they can save life or if it is obvious that the other person will suffer dearly, just like this funny video:

Disclaimer: I have high regard for the work and research of Greater Good Science Center.

Disclaimer 2: Often when I come up with an "original quote" a simple Google search finds a wise person wrote a similar quote a few thousand years ago. This time I should have remembered that I heard once the phrase "In selling as in medicine, prescription before diagnosis is malpractice." which is attributed to Dr. Tony Alessandra. I leave it up to your judgment if my quote can co-exist and is giving an original interpretation and applications. (Gratitude to Dean Martin, CMO of Pavelka)