Stop Outsourcing Validation
Many of us outsource validation. We let other people tell us if we're doing it right. By 'it' I mean various aspects of our lives. Whether it's a partner, boss, parent, child, friend, colleague, or all of the above, when we jump through hoops hoping they will tell us that we're good, it becomes a futile endeavor. It's a bottomless pit or a moving target to tie your value to someone's else whim, because if they are having a bad day, have a different opinion, or misunderstand you, (which is inevitable when dealing with humans--we all misunderstand from time to time), where does that leave you??
It doesn't matter if you trust the person or not, giving them responsibility to validate you diminishes who you are. When I came to this realization in my own life, I was exhausted, because I had been giving every person in my life this power to validate me or not. If any one person thought I wasn't doing “it” right, I was devastated. Can you imagine how I contorted myself to please the varied and contrasting opinions of the definition of 'right'??
So what is the alternative? ?The word I like to use is integrity. If I am in integrity, then it's ok if someone else thinks I'm not right. I can stand by that and repair relationships as necessary. I've also learned to know what internal validation feels like to me. A client of mine was trying to identify this feeling and I asked how he felt when he was doing the work he loved doing? He responded with “proud, fun, confident, like an adult and like he always knew this was the way”. THAT is internal validation for this person. It may seem obvious from that description, but it was illuminating to this person. You might choose different words or descriptions, so give yourself some room to feel into it.
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By the way, I still seek out others' opinions and am very interested in what someone I trust thinks, but it doesn't debilitate me or send me into over-explanation-mode if they disapprove of my choices. ??