Stop Giving Jerks a Pass, and Other Actions for?Allies

Each week, Karen Catlin shares five simple actions to create a more inclusive workplace and be a better?ally.

1. Stop giving jerks a?pass

Recently, Wharton professor Adam Grant posted :

“Men who act like jerks are more likely to get away with sexism. When a man is rude to other men, people are more likely to overlook his misogyny. They think he’s just an a**hole. We shouldn’t give pricks a pass. Treating everyone poorly is not an excuse for degrading women.”

Grant linked to research by Gabrielle Adams , Peter Belmi , and Sora Jun titled The “Equal-Opportunity Jerk” Defense: Rudeness Can Obfuscate Gender Bias . In their paper, they explain, “To address sexism, people must first recognize it. In this research, we identified a barrier that makes sexism hard to recognize: rudeness toward men. We found that observers judge a sexist perpetrator as less sexist if he is rude toward men.”

In the workplace, this might manifest as someone saying, “He’s like that with everyone,” or, “That’s just the way he is.”

I love what journalist Katy Preen wrote in an essay :

“Whenever you hear ‘he’s like that with everyone,’ remember that it’s a not-so-secret code for ‘we’re not going to do anything about it.’”

The next time you hear someone excusing a jerk’s behavior, seize the opportunity to do something. Here are some responses to consider:

• “We’re better than that.”
• “That’s against our code of conduct.” (Assuming your workplace has such a policy.)
• “What got him here won’t get him there.” (Credit to Marshall Goldsmith, who suggests that the skills that helped someone get to a certain point may not be the same skills needed to succeed in the future.)

Let’s not give anyone a pass, even if they are an equal-opportunity jerk.

Share this action on LinkedIn , Facebook , Instagram , Threads , or YouTube .

2. Don’t mock with your?pronouns

Newsletter subscriber Eric sent me this question: “I’m curious what people think of pronoun declarations. A leader at work has set their pronouns in the company app to ‘Cookie/Monster.’ On one hand, this seems disrespectful. On the other, it seems silly and harmless. But I’ve got the most common pronouns (he/him) and thus I’m probably not a good judge of what’s reasonable or not.”

He then added, “What do folks with less traditional pronouns think of behaviors like this? Is it offensive? Should I say something?”

Eric’s email reminded me of the time Elon Musk tweeted , “My pronouns are Prosecute/Fauci,” mocking the support many of us show for the binary, transgender, and gender-fluid communities when we share our pronouns.

In response, some people posted the equivalent of “Fixed it for you” tweets, substituting derogatory descriptors of how they view Musk. By satirizing the situation, I’m concerned they also perpetuated the notion that it’s okay to make fun of pronouns.

In contrast, many people responded by tweeting their actual pronouns. My favorite was by actor George Takei , who tweeted ,

“My pronouns are he/him. And I want to thank Dr. Fauci for his long service. Be on the right and respectful side of things. It’s better for your own soul, and better for others.”

3. Gather pronouns respectfully

While I’m a fan of sharing pronouns to normalize the practice, we can do so without insisting people share theirs. No mandatory pronoun fields. No opening remarks at meetings along the lines of, “Now everyone introduce yourself and tell us your pronouns.”

As Jeannie Gainsburg , author of The Savvy Ally: A Guide for Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate , explains:

“Asking people directly about their pronouns puts people on the spot, making it very uncomfortable for them if they don’t want to share. It can also offend some people who think that their pronouns should be obvious.”

Gainsburg offers this approach:

“When meeting a new coworker or someone who you’ll be building a relationship with, consider offering your pronouns first and use language that doesn’t directly ask for pronouns. For example, “I’m Jeannie. My pronouns are she/her/hers. How may I refer to you?” This is a better approach than “What are your pronouns?” It’s clear what you’re asking because you’ve just shared your pronouns, but it gives the person an out if they don’t want to share theirs. They can simply say, “You can call me Jay.”

4. Make an introduction

In a powerful TEDx talk , Alex Chavez-Guerrero , Jacob Martinez & Martín Vargas-Vega shared the game-changing role of networks in uplifting underprivileged communities.

For example, Vargas-Vega explained that his youth revolved around working in the fields and picking berries alongside his parents in Watsonville, CA. “While other kids played, I worked.”

His trajectory changed dramatically when he discovered Digital NEST. This non-profit provides youth in agricultural communities in Northern California with skills, support, and the network to pursue well-paying careers. He is now a software engineer at a Silicon Valley startup.

Similarly, Chavez-Guerrero spent his youth in Watsonville. With Digital NEST’s support, he is now a software engineer at an AI company in San Francisco.

The closing remarks from Digital NEST founder Jacob Martinez contain an important call to action for better allies everywhere:

“Tap the untapped, often overlooked talent. Whether you’re in medicine, education, technology, or business, it may only take one introduction to break that cycle of poverty for generations to come. There is brilliance everywhere, and you have the power to help it shine.”

5. Community Spotlight: Sing their?praises

This week’s spotlight on an ally action from the Better Allies community is from a university communications associate, who wrote,

“Lately, I find myself reflexively singing the praises of my marginalized and underrepresented colleagues, making sure they are being recognized in meetings and getting credit for their ideas. I’ve got a long way to go to be the better ally I want to be, but your weekly newsletter (along with my school’s white accountability group) is helping me to get there.”

Thank you. ??

If you’ve taken a step towards being a better ally, please reply to this email and tell me about it. And mention if I can quote you by name or credit you anonymously in an upcoming newsletter.

That’s all for now. Please note: I’m off for a few weeks of vacation and will be back in your inboxes on July 12. In the meantime, I wish you all the best as we move forward together on the journey to be better allies.

— Karen Catlin (she/her), author of the Better Allies? book series

Copyright ? 2024 Karen Catlin. All rights reserved.

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