Stop Criticizing Others
Meredith Bell
Strengthen the character and communication skills of every leader in your organization ? Host of Grow Strong Leaders Podcast, ranked in Top 2.5% of all podcasts globally
Steven Pressfield ’s brilliant book about overcoming resistance, The War of Art, contains this profound piece of wisdom about criticism:
"Individuals who are realized in their own lives almost never criticize others. If they speak at all, it is to offer encouragement."
If you tend to think or speak in a disparaging ways to (or about) others, there’s something going on within you that needs to be examined. There is some aspect of your own self that you find unacceptable, but you may not want to look in the mirror. It’s much easier to turn your attention outward and find fault with those around you.
Very likely, your own inner critic is hard at work pointing out your shortcomings and emphasizing your mistakes. It’s painful to listen to this kind of chatter. So when that happens, you may be quick to judge and condemn the actions of others.
The Downsides
It’s one thing to give others constructive feedback about a specific action. It’s quite another to continually point out perceived flaws. Often, the criticism centers around the other person doing something differently from how you would have done it. You feel the need to explain what’s wrong with their approach, and you rationalize that you’re trying to be helpful.
But expressing disapproval this way rarely works.
I know, because I’ve done this myself more times than I can count. And it turns out badly every time. The other person resents being evaluated and judged, because that’s how it feels no matter what spin you try to put on it. Trust gets threatened because they aren’t sure you’re really in their corner.
Asking questions instead of making overtly disapproving statements does not guarantee you’ve got it right either. For example, starting a question with “Why” is often disguised criticism.
So when you ask “Why” questions, expect a defensive reaction. If you don’t believe me, start monitoring your reaction when asked this kind of question.
When people feel defensive, the walls go up. You’re unlikely to connect at a level of honesty and openness. Over time, if you continue finding fault—or even worse, belittling them in front of others—they will withdraw emotionally, and your relationship will be superficial at best.
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The Take-away
When you feel comfortable in your own skin, you’re not threatened or offended by the imperfections you see in others. You know how difficult it is to deal with life’s daily challenges because you’ve had to weather them yourself.
What if we were to all heed these words from Maxwell Maltz in his classic book, Psycho-Cybernetics?
If you're deeply convinced that you matter, you will find it easier to practice compassion and patience instead of criticism for the people you care about.
Learn More
If you’d like to find out how you and other leaders in your organization can learn to express more appreciation and less criticism, we offer two powerful resources that can help:
Connect with Your Team: Mastering the Top 10 Communication Skills, a book with practical tips and easy-to-follow steps by my business partners Denny Coates and me.
GSL PowerPartners, an on-the-job leader development program to expand the effectiveness of leaders at all levels by improving 10 high-impact communication skills through peer coaching partnerships.
About Meredith
Meredith Bell is the co-founder and president of Grow Strong Leaders . Her company publishes software tools that help people build strong relationships at work and at home. Meredith is an expert in leader and team communications, the author of three books, and the host of the Grow Strong Leaders Podcast .
You can get details about Meredith’s products, books, and podcast at GrowStrongLeaders.com.
Addiction recovery coach, life coach and Accredited Certified EFT practitioner
10 个月I've often heard that when find fault in others it's because of some shortcoming we feel about ourselves. It's always a humbling experience when this happens to me. Thanks for such a well-written article.
Leadership and Business Transformation I The Intersection of Transformational Coaching & Business Strategy for Leaders & Entrepreneurs I High-impact Processes & Programs that Deliver Long-term Results
10 个月Two things come to mind from this important topic. First, it’s really effective to let what we want to criticize someone for mirror to us what it means about us. What’s also really present for me though, especially since I work with midlife leaders, is that there’s so much information about what makes effective leader ship, which is great, but I find we’re constantly telling leaders how they should lead without always offering guidance and support and tips for them. I’ve had leaders tell me that they’re tired of hearing all the high expectations placed on them and they begin to resent it. They feel criticized rather than helped.
Utility Leader | Transforming Your Mindset to Help Lead Others | Helping Develop Tomorrow's Leaders | Host of the RK Leadership Podcast
10 个月Great article Meredith! There are so many hurt people out there with a cloud over their head. It's easy to point out the negative and flaws in others, but it takes a good heart to help those people fix their shortcomings. I've witnessed this many times, and been on the receiving end. But recent cases have allowed me to reflect and realize that the shortcomings are internal to those pointing it out in others!
Learning & Organizational Development Executive >>> Global Leader & Strategist >>> Passionate Practitioner
10 个月Again, love your article and post. Two thoughts I would either add or enhance - first, all people should be treated with basic dignity and respect and secondly, asking yourself a question of how I would want to be addressed if someone were holding the mirror up to me? Now I just need to remember to practice this each and everytime.
Leadership Development and Coach | Doctor of Education - EdD
10 个月Great perspective- getter! Thank you for the examples!