Stop convincing yourself they'll change if you create the perfect circumstances for them.

Have you ever found yourself making excuses for someone else's behavior and constantly trying to change them? Maybe it's a partner you believe would be perfect if only they were more considerate. Perhaps it's a family member who struggles with their life, and you feel it's your responsibility to fix them.

Perhaps you brush off their lack of follow-through or constant flakiness by telling yourself that "they'll change eventually." It can be easy to slip into this mentality, thinking that if we just work harder or create the perfect circumstances, the people around us will transform into our ideal versions of them.

One of the biggest challenges I've encountered is the urge to change others. I must confess, it's been a struggle in romantic relationships, friendships, with family, and professionally.

• I've found myself staying in unhealthy relationships with the hope that the other person would undergo a transformation.
• I've caused relationship issues by applying pressure on others to change.
• I've engaged in arguments with family members simply because I believed they should exhibit different behavior.
• I've experienced disappointment by setting expectations for someone to act contrary to their usual self.
• I've felt frustrated with friends who didn't align with my perception of how they should behave.
• I've encountered exasperation with clients who appeared to be stuck in undesirable patterns.

How often we're guilty of feeding into the illusion of control? We envision a world in which our actions and plans can alter the behavior of those around us. Although this idea can be comforting, it's ultimately unsustainable and draining.

The truth is that we can't control what other people think or how they behave. And if we continue down that path, we will waste countless hours and energy attempting to create the "perfect" circumstances for others to change. Trying to control others can take its toll on our own well-being. When we're fixated on how others behave, we're not looking after ourselves.

We must remember that we're not responsible for other people's lives; we can only control our actions and reactions. When we are overly invested in the lives of others, we forget that every moment we spend trying to change them, we're not creating a better life for ourselves.

We fail to realize that our efforts often come from a place of fear and control. We may feel like we need to micromanage the people around us to ensure they meet our expectations and not let us down. We are pushing our expectations and desires onto them. We want them to conform to our standards and values, but that's not always possible. This mindset creates stress and tension in our relationships and undermines the trust and mutual respect that healthy relationships depend on.

With this in mind, it becomes clear that letting go of the need to control others allows our relationships to grow and evolve naturally. Don't waste your time trying to change others; instead, focus on your own journey.

The most significant changes we've ever made in our lives are often due to a culmination of events and mental preparation. From moving countries, separations, changing our job environment, to losing weight, starting a business, and healing old wounds, we had to go through tremendous effort to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally for change. Maintaining those changes took time, energy, and discipline, but nobody else could do it for us. It was our internal drive that motivated us to change, and made that change sustainable.

This doesn't mean we should give up on the people we care about; instead, it's about shifting our focus to ourselves and our own growth. We can offer support and care as they navigate their own journeys, but ultimately, for any meaningful change to happen, the will, drive, and commitment to change must come from within.

Change is hard work, and it's up to each person to create the internal fire necessary to fuel that transformation. We can't do the work for them. If we do, it not only drains us and irritates them.

Think of it as trying to push a boulder uphill. The more we push and try to force change, the harder it becomes. It's exhausting, and it ultimately becomes unproductive. Focusing our time and effort on our growth and development is much easier and more fruitful.

When we stop trying to change others, we free up valuable mental and emotional resources that can be better used to improve our own lives. It is also more sustainable when can invest in ourselves and our goals rather than constantly pouring our energy into the hopeless task of changing someone else. By taking ownership of our journey and showing others that we are growing and changing, we can lead by example, inspiring them to take charge of their own growth.

It's also important to understand that we cannot change someone who doesn't see a problem with their own behavior. Often, it takes a significant event, crisis, or inner realization for someone to want to change themselves. Until that moment, our efforts are often futile. We can support and offer care when necessary, but the most profound changes come from within.

In conclusion, it's time to let go of the myth of changing others and instead focus on our own growth and development. If we really want to help others, we should serve as a sounding board, provide support, and offer resources that could be useful. Ultimately, we must remember that we can't control other people's lives. We can only work to create the lives we want for ourselves.

By embracing our own journeys, we create space for others to do the same and foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Change is hard work, and it's an inside job. Rather than trying to do the work for someone else, let's focus on empowering ourselves and those around us to lead happier, more authentic lives.