Stop complaining, each one has problems

People visit a wise man complaining about the same problems over and over again. One day, he decided to tell them a joke and they all roared with laughter. After a few minutes, he told them the same joke and only a few of them smiled. Then he told the same joke for a third time, but no one laughed or smiled anymore. The wise man smiled and said: ‘You can’t laugh at the same joke over and over. So why are you always crying about the same problem?

First challenge your use of words, I doubt you complain about everything. There will be things you are at least neutral about and may even like or be grateful for. So start here. Start by focusing on what you like however trivial it may seem. Stay in the present with these thoughts rather than trying to rationalise the past. Say for example you like the T shirt you're wearing, or your coffee mug. The object doesn't matter just start noticing and say to yourself or out loud I like this T shirt, I like this coffee mug. Then get on with your day.

Practise being grateful first thing every day and more often during the day if you can. Make it part of your routine so do it whilst you clean your teeth or drive to work. Then it becomes linked to these other habits. Saying thank you before you eat something is helpful. It doesn't have to be formal grace it can just be thank you for this coffee and flapjack. It sounds trivial but it will start to change how your brain works and you think differently.

Then every time you criticise something or someone add “but on the other hand” and make yourself think of something positive to add. The more you build the habit of being more balanced the more natural it will become. Our thoughts tend to attract like thoughts. It's about shifting your focus. We've all had the experience of coming across a new word or a certain make of a car or other product and then we start to hear or read the word everywhere, and we start to see that make of car or product everywhere. They were there before we just weren't registering them. So the more you actively praise things, people, situations and also show gratitude for these too your thoughts will shift.

Believe me I used to be very negative and it just became my perspective on everything. But once you consciously shift how you describe things and people in your life, and look for things to be grateful about then your thinking shifts. You'll know you're thinking differently when you hear someone else complaining about something and you have to stop yourself putting the opposite view to them. Also do avoid other negative people as they will keep you stuck. The more you spend time with grateful positive people the easier it is to be the positive person you want to be.

Be mindful and present. It’s very easy to complain. But it serves very little function. It certainly doesn’t make you feel any better. Allow yourself to value some of the most fundamental aspects to living. I've had similar experiences with obsessive thoughts, compulsive thoughts, compulsive outbursts, and catastrophic thinking. I am bi-polar and well medicated, so I have found a lot of balance in my life. I have seen this type of thinking in people who usually have some specific guilt and also free-floating guilt. I found alcoholics anonymous' approach to be very helpful in this area.

Having a group of people who can help you first accept who you are is vital. I am not an alcoholic but going to some open meetings for a while helped me a lot. If you find that you are currently surrounded by negative people or people who have a negative view on you, you should change who you spend time with. Getting a good support system is crucial to create positive change in your life.

Every day is new, and you can start approaching every day that way. Once you have some support for positive change in your life use it; call or reach out to those people who can help you insert positive thoughts into your negative compulsive thinking. You will have taken two steps then toward change - gaining a support system and taking action to release those negative thoughts for positive thoughts. I obsess sometimes, just getting myself into a feedback loop that is hard to break.

If you can make one small change it will start breaking that conditioning. You have conditioned yourself to be negative. Self talk becomes very important. You might be using "all or none" statements with yourself, like "I always get this wrong" or "they always treat me this way" or "no one understands me" or perhaps "this never goes right" These kind of statements are conditioned and you must choose to correct them in your mind. I started doing this by keeping a journal. I wrote down my negative thought and the time it happened. I then wrote a positive thought to counteract the negative thought.

Things are never "all or none" and we should allow ourselves to think with more grace towards ourselves. Look up the definitions for grace and really think about the word and its meaning, and write down your thoughts in your journal. Something that goes along with the word grace is the word gratefulness. Developing grateful thoughts is absolutely necessary to succeed here. I also recommend reading this book, "Nine things you simply must do to succeed in love and life" by Henry Cloud. As a counselor and counselee I have found this book to be amazing for making positive change and to rewire our internal dialog. Feel free to reach out to me if you want more help. Cheers!