Stop Building Up Conflict Debt

Resolving conflict at work can be overwhelming, especially when you're new to it. I'll always remember my first experience. I was a young account manager handling a big holiday ad campaign series for three clients teaming up for the first time—a high-stakes full-spread in the Sunday Times. Right away, two clients—General Managers—insisted their logos be centred, and neither would back down. Worse, they refused to speak to each other, leaving me caught between two senior leaders with no interest in compromise.

I spent sleepless nights trying to keep both sides happy, feeling entirely out of my depth. Finally, out of desperation, I reached out to the third client and asked if he'd mediate. I told him candidly that if we didn't resolve it, we'd miss the deadline, and everyone would lose—including me, risking my job! Thankfully, he agreed to help, and I was amazed at how effortlessly he resolved it.

That experience showed me that conflict is unavoidable and that knowing how to manage it is crucial. In my career, I've had my fair share of managing my team's conflicts and I know that regulating my own emotions is the best place to start first. As a team coach and facilitator, I've seen firsthand that when conflicts are handled well, it can bring teams closer, spark fresh ideas, and build a stronger foundation of trust.

Over time, I've studied and applied a few conflict management models. In this article, I'll love to share one.

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)

The TKI is a widely respected model that categorises conflict management into five styles: Accommodating, Avoiding, Collaborating, Competing, and Compromising. Each style can be helpful in the proper context, and the TKI model encourages leaders to adapt their approach to fit the situation.

Application of TKI

1) Accommodating

Use this when you realise you're wrong or believe preserving harmony and avoiding potential disruption is more important than your initial stance. It's also good for maintaining goodwill.

Pros: Builds goodwill, maintains peace, and often defuses difficult situations.

Cons: Might neglect important issues or concerns, can be viewed as weakness, and may lead to resentment if overused.

2) Avoiding

Use this when the issue is trivial, or there is no chance of winning. It's also helpful if a delay can lead to a better solution or if more pressing matters are at hand.

Pros: Buys time, sidesteps unproductive confrontations, and allows for more pressing issues to be prioritised.

Cons: It can lead to unresolved issues, may make you appear evasive, and can cause frustrations to simmer.

3) Collaborating

Employ this strategy when both sets of concerns are too important to be compromised. It's ideal for merging insights from people with different perspectives or working through feelings that have interfered with a relationship.

Pros: Encourages creativity, builds commitment, and strengthens relationships.

Cons: Time-consuming, requires effort and skill, and not all issues need deep collaboration.

4) Competing

Use this strategy when quick, decisive action is necessary, such as during emergencies. It's also appropriate when defending against someone trying to exploit a situation.

Pros: Quick resolutions, shows decisiveness, and establishes clear winners.

Cons: It can create losers, suppress others' views, and lead to resentment.

5) Compromising

Use this strategy when the goals are moderately important, you want a temporary solution, or both sides have equal power and are firmly committed to mutually exclusive goals.

Pros: Speeds up the resolution, ensures both sides have some degree of satisfaction, and is often seen as fair.

Cons: It might lead to suboptimal solutions, suppress real issues, and be overused as an easy way out.

To begin using TKI, I suggest leaders reflect on their natural conflict style and encourage their teams to do the same. This process helps everyone become more aware of their default tendencies and understand how these might impact team dynamics. For example, leaders might ask themselves:

• Am I more likely to avoid conflict or engage head-on?
• Do I seek compromise quickly, or am I more focused on ensuring everyone's needs are met?

In one case, I worked with a team where two members had differing approaches to resource allocation. Using the TKI, they discovered that one team member leaned toward avoiding while the other was more competitive. This insight allowed them to appreciate each other's approach, eventually leading to a more balanced and practical decision.

For some team members who value harmony, avoiding conflict for the sake of "being nice" can lead to deeper issues down the line. This is a common challenge for team members who may fear that voicing a contrary opinion could lead to complex and awkward conversations. Leaders can play a key role here by reassuring the team that expressing diverse perspectives is crucial for growth and innovation. This helps team members feel more comfortable bringing their thoughts to the table, knowing they're contributing value, not just conflict.

Instead of saying, "I disagree, but…," try, " I see your point and…"

Practical Tip: A straightforward adjustment in language can also make a significant difference. Instead of saying, "I disagree, but…," try, " I see your point and…" This slight shift can help maintain a collaborative tone, making conflict feel less confrontational and more like a constructive exchange. Another helpful tactic is to seek clarity without sounding judgmental. Rather than reacting with, "I can't believe you said that," try, "I might be missing something—could you help me understand how this approach would help us reach the sales target?"

Instead of saying "I can't believe you said that," try, "I might be missing something—could you help me understand...?"

Another helpful model is the Interest-Based Relational Approach (IBR), developed by Roger Fisher and William Ury. It's based on relationship-building, empathy, and focusing on each person's underlying interests rather than their fixed positions. It's softer than the TKI and focuses on trust and understanding. I am not covering it here; this article might be too lengthy. I encourage you to research it.

The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Conflict

We can't afford to sweep conflicts under the carpet as a team. Avoiding tough conversations may feel easier at the moment, but it leads to what's known as conflict debt—a build-up of unresolved issues that eventually weighs down the entire team. Over time, conflict debt creates a toxic environment where trust erodes, frustrations simmer, and team productivity suffers.

There's also a common misconception that an effective team is one where everyone rows in perfect alignment (You've probably seen those images/posters of people rowing in the same direction). But this ideal of constant harmony is a myth. A team's true strength comes from embracing diverse perspectives and navigating differences with respect and openness.

So, as you think about your team, consider this:

Is there an unresolved conflict you need to address?

Which conflict management style would help you reach the best outcome for everyone involved?

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