Stop "Brain Picking" and Start Relationship Building

Welcome to Working from Aum - my amalgamation of actionable insights and practical guidance to help you live as a leader - inside and outside of the workplace.

Written by Upasna Gautam: A Senior Product Leader at CNN, Board of Directors at the News Product Alliance, angel investor, meditation teacher, avid public speaker, writer, new mother, and daughter of Indian immigrants.

Real talk: The average DM I get treats my inbox like I'm a robot. I continue to find it mind boggling that strangers reach out with demands of my time without offering anything in return or they ask questions that can be answered by a search engine. Social media has made relationship building lazy. It isn’t mindful and it isn’t productive. This isn’t how you build real connections and it also translates to poor communication skills in real life. Oh, and it’s annoying as hell.

“Can I pick your brain?”

“Can we catch up over virtual coffee?”?

These common phrases are thoughtless and generic ways to ask someone for advice. Did I mention it’s also annoying? Anyone who is a leader in their space has heard the phrases countless times. I know these questions may be well-intentioned, but the problem is that they are vague, presumptuous, and too open-ended. When a conversation starts this way, there’s no telling where it’s going to go or how long it’s going to take. Most leaders in this position are all for giving and receiving advice, but it’s art that requires honesty, mindful productivity, and diplomacy. When done correctly, both parties can and should benefit from the exchange.?

There’s also another aspect to this: The biggest mistake people make in the initiation of this interaction is leading with their own needs.?

Phrases like “I need help with X” or “Tell me how to do Y” or “Can you review my resume” all focus on taking instead of giving.

The digital age has, unfortunately, turned networking into a cringey, transactional endeavor. The ease of communication through social platforms has led to a lack of mindfulness and productivity in building genuine connections. Instead of fostering relationships grounded in mutual respect and understanding, people often resort to impersonal requests, treating others as if they were mere information repositories. To break free from this transactional mindset, shift the focus from your own needs to what you can offer in return, fostering an environment where true connections can thrive. By leading with generosity and a genuine interest in supporting others, you'll reshape the landscape of your circle, transcending the limitations imposed by the impersonal nature of social media interactions.

If you truly want to connect with and build relationships with influential people, the key is to put yourself in their shoes and figure out what you can do to benefit them.?

• Do they have a book? Buy copies of the book, give them to friends, and leave reviews. Send the author a note with a summary of what you did, as well as your own personal review.?
• Do they have a podcast? Leave a 5 star review. Get 10 friends to do the same. Send the host a note with a summary of your favorite episode and your key learnings from it. Share it on social media.?
• Did you attend their session at a conference? Take a few great pictures of them in action on stage and send them to the speaker. Share one of the photos on social media along with a post about what you learned from their session.?
• Do they have goals? Of course they do! Introduce them to someone who can help them achieve those goals.?
• If all else fails, consistently engage with and share their content in a meaningful way.?

Remember: No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another.

We all have value to offer and sometimes you need to get creative. When you think about building your positive sum community and how to include influential leaders, don’t lead with what you want to take. Lead with what you can give.?

I'd love to hear from you and continue the conversation! What are ways you've built meaningful connections in the digital sphere? What kind of challenges have you faced?

I create more content just like this on Instagram - let's connect there, too!

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