STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR PROBLEMS

“What I am looking for is not out there,

but it is in me…”

                                                                       Helen Keller

                                                                       PictureQuotes.com

Some of us are victims of a self-serving bias. We easily fault others for our failures/mishaps but quickly take credit for the success of our endeavors. This attitude is re-enforced by a socio-centric belief in Africa that holds the devil and its agents responsible for all the evils of our lives. So, if we do not get suitors for our daughters, or we are serial bachelors, or even unable to get a paid job, the fault must be the spirits of our fathers’ house or a wicked and jealous relative in the village who has the powers to unlock and manipulate our destinies. On some occasions, we go to the ridiculous level of blaming the recession in the country for the increase in suicide rates or our financial predicament on the non-passage of the national budget. Over time, some people have made it a system of 'me versus the rest of the world'. In a way, it is true that external factors partly contribute to our predicament. But then these factors also apply to everyone else. So, for the successful ones amongst us, they must have a different approach to real life issues. They are the adventurers, risk takers, non-quitters, and realists. The German-born Physicist, Albert Einstein stated that “problems cannot be solved with the same mindset that created them.” If it is true that a new mindset is needed to solve the challenges of our lives, whose responsibility is it to effect that change? If what we seek in life is not out there but within us, is it not also true that the challenges we face are internal and not necessarily caused by anyone? When we examine our daily problems, there is a part that receives far less attention; yourself. But why is it hard to focus on this part?

When we blame others for our unpleasant experience, we are better able to manage our sadness. It is less mentally stressful to fault others for our problems than take responsibility for it. Given this mental model, it becomes very easy to believe that the problem is caused by the devil or that jealous neighbor or colleague. Additionally, our action and inactions are often exonerated if we play the blaming game. The result is that our behaviors are unchanged and we erroneously uphold our strategies and beliefs in our old ways despite the apparent evidence that those attitudes, behaviors or processes are faulty and thus, need to be reviewed. Furthermore, failures often result in punishment and embarrassment. Putting the blame on other people allows us to appear right and safe from public ridicule. No matter how ‘good’ blaming others makes us feel, if we have to move forward and overcome our adversities, the change must start with us. We must spend the time to examine and analyze the situations and through a thorough process unlearn our mental models that have limited our progress.