Stop Avoiding Difficult Conversations

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” – Audra Lorde

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Before we engage in a difficult conversation, many of us are consumed by all-encompassing fear. But engaging in challenging conversations is necessary. Having this dialogue not only helps us grow, but it helps us help others by leading by example.?

Where does this fear come from, though? And how can we best overcome this fear to have these conversations? Below I take a deeper dive into this important topic.

Why do we avoid having a difficult conversation??

Our initial response to a difficult conversation is to avoid it. What I want you to remember is that these conversations are essential to have. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s necessary to put that into our regular practice and practice what we preach.

Whether it is a complex subject in our personal lives with friends or family or in the workplace with colleagues, we know how hard it is not to get caught up in our emotions to best deliver what we want to say. When we are in the middle of these sensitive topics, our feelings can cause us to say something we initially didn’t want to say. That can be hurtful to others, our personal and professional relationships, our character, and how those around us perceive us. Avoiding these conversations also suppresses our feelings and causes us to feel blame and anger, leading to stress-related illness.?

The more difficult conversations we have, the more comfortable we will become with them. The first step to becoming more comfortable with these is to reframe your thinking about them. We often begin by thinking only about whether we will be liked after we speak our minds. We think about what if we are wrong and not at the opportunity we have in front of us to show someone a new perspective and how fun it can be to change the way you approach this.

Instead of thinking about talking about topics like drugs, immigration, the LGBTQ+ community, feminism, abortion, or racism as scary, think of it as a way you can directly make a difference. When we find the courage to step outside of our comfort zone, we show others what is possible and the true power of vulnerability.

How do we have a successful, difficult conversation?

When it comes to these conversations, especially with controversial topics, you want to convey respect as well as a genuine curiosity about their viewpoints. Be timely with having these conversations because the longer we wait to address a difficult conversation, the more emotionally charged it will become.

Before the conversation:

Ask yourself questions to better prepare how you are going to convey your thoughts. Consider asking yourself:

• What do I hope to accomplish by having this conversation?
• What would be an ideal outcome?
• What is my purpose?
• What assumptions am I making going into this conversation?
• Are there any common concerns?
• How have I contributed to the problem? (*The most important question)

Because we live in a culture of avoidance and blame, it is easier to blame others during these conversations without thinking twice about it. By asking yourself these questions, you are getting away from that mindset.

During the conversation:

Enter the conversation with a positive attitude and an honest desire to either help someone consider a different perspective or help yourself learn something new. With this mentality, you’ll get rid of the idea that the only outcome is to end an argument in discord. When you enter these challenging conversations with a positive attitude and a positive outcome in mind, you are creating?psychological safety. This ensures that everyone in the conversation feels safe and sticks to the facts, so there will be less opportunity for misunderstanding. That way, even if you don’t agree, you can agree to disagree and move on from the conversation.

Also, remain curious and learn how to listen to others instead of interrupting and focusing on what you want to say. An example of what I mean is if you’re at the workplace and a colleague at work keeps missing deadlines. Your first reaction may be to go into the conversation from a place of anger and frustration. But instead, listen and be supportive. Maybe say, “I’ve noticed you have trouble meeting recently set deadlines. Would you like to talk about the challenges you’re facing?” and then go from there. When they respond, listen, and then react proactively based on what they say. Like with any scenario, what matters is identifying the issue and working together to solve it or find common ground.

Putting these ideas into practice:?

Next time you encounter a conflict, handle it promptly. Start by looking at role models who are leaders in doing this. The fantastic Dr.?Brene Brown?is a phenomenal role model who shows us that despite the scariness of being vulnerable if we do it correctly and overcome this fear by being authentic, the benefits will substantially outweigh any fears.?

Below is my personal practice for handling difficult conversations:?

• I take responsibility for my part from the start,
• I use “I” statements to own my feedback,
• I seek to understand first and use active listening skills,
• I acknowledge others, and
• I always show compassion.?

If you follow these, you can then visualize a successful outcome that will be dependent on one of two things: your genuine curiosity/desire to help, and how you say what you say. Yes, some topics are risky. Yes, some topics are scary. But recognizing all of this will lead you to what you need to do: take a risk and speak your mind while always being respectful to others.?Also, keep in mind that delaying a difficult conversation can cause you time, money, and loads of energy.