Stop Asking “Why” and Start Asking “How”

When I was a young manager, I encountered a major roadblock which could have been a terrible mistake (made by me).?I went to a partner, thinking I would be fired, and explained the situation to him.?His response stopped me in my tracks.?He told me three things I have never forgotten:

1. This isn’t the end of the world.
2. It surely could have been worse.
3. No one has died!

He then went on to ask how we could get everyone on board and move beyond what had happened.?It was how I remembered.?He never asked me why it had happened.?We spoke only of the solution.

My therapist blew my mind when I kept asking why, why, why??Why did these things happen in my childhood??She kept shrugging and finally said: “I can say all kinds of things to fit in some neat psychological theory.?You might feel better for a while.?But truthfully, one should stop asking why questions after the age of 7, when one asks why only to build the mind.”

I really got the idea of moving on and seeing patterns from my childhood and what I could do about them here and now.

It has really affected me as a coach.?

I was recently talking with a client who perceived something terrible had happened to her at work.?She kept asking why??Why had it happened??Why had she done what she had done??

The author claims looking at the “why” is back-to-front thinking and acting.?It takes us in the opposite direction from where we want to go.

Our parents taught us it was logical to ask why we did what we did and to proceed from that understanding.?But the author posits that there is a quicker, more effective way of addressing any issue, which is by asking “How?”

Asking “How?” changes the nature of the conversation.?It is forward-looking and allows us to identify solutions that will serve the future, not dig up shortcomings from the past.

I asked my client, obsessed on “why?”, to reconsider the question and look at things from a different perspective.?I asked her to try to approach things in a different light.??She was able to stop perseverating on the negative and focus on something positive.?She eventually found a solution to something which had previously seemed like an insurmountable problem.

The author gives an impressive example of someone who was called into his boss’ office to be told he was not being considered for a promotion. ?The boss says, “You’re not ready to step up yet.”?

So, you want to solve the problem and your instinct tells you to do so; therefore, you first think you need to understand why she thinks you are not ready.?So, you naturally ask, “Why do you think I’m not ready?”?And of course, your boss digs up your shortcomings.

This does not help.

It focuses on the reasons why you should NOT get the promotion.

A better scenario might look like this.

Boss:?“I don’t think you are quite ready.”

You:?“Hmmmm…I’m obviously disappointed to hear that.?I think I can do the job.?How might I provide evidence to demonstrate I am ready and up to this?”

Boss: “Well, you will need to………”

Focusing on the positive, the how to improve, rather than the why we don’t improve, is a skillful, efficient way to get what we want.?

As Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Carl Jung stated, “To ask the right question is already half the solution to a problem.”

What do you think?

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For more: https://coachingwithcraigllc.com/

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