Stop Asking 'Why': A Practical Framework for Better Conversations

Have you ever felt the gentle rhythm of your feet on a hiking trail, only for a stray comment to suddenly bring tension into your mind? My wife, Sahar, and I have this routine. We take a weekly walk, either on the beach or along a hiking trail. The ocean waves crash in the distance, and the sun dips low on the horizon. It’s our time to connect, decompress, and share what’s on our minds. Some conversations are light and cheerful. Others explore the more challenging aspects of our lives. These weekly talks have been crucial to maintaining our relationship and growing as partners and parents.

On our most recent hike, a conversation started like many others. We shared our feelings, but it unexpectedly turned into something deeper. We stumbled upon an insight that felt incredibly profound. It touched on things we had learned over the years. These included psychology, emotional intelligence, decision science, and even aspects of product management, such as prioritization and making trade-offs. I believe what we discovered could help others in navigating everyday challenges related to communication and relationships. This is what I want to share.

The Common Misinterpretation Trap

Have you ever found yourself questioning why someone said something that made you feel unhappy or unsettled? It’s a natural response. It could be a colleague dismissing your idea during a meeting, leaving you feeling undervalued. Or it might be a friend making a thoughtless comment that makes you question your worth. These situations are common, and our instinct is to try and understand the motives behind them. We all try to understand others’ motives, especially when their words sting. Sahar and I realized that trying to interpret 'why' often leads us into negative assumptions. We assume people say hurtful things because they’re jealous or want to bring us down. It’s a vicious cycle. We learned about Attribution Theory, which explains how we often assume the worst about others' intentions. Daniel Kahneman's work on cognitive biases also shows how our brains tend to make these quick, often inaccurate judgments. It is common to misjudge others without knowing their side of the story.

During our hike, Sahar shared that she was feeling hurt by something her sister said. Her eyes showed the weight of her sister's words. She kept replaying the comment, wondering if she had been unfair. The conversation was weighing heavily on her. As we walked, I suggested we pause and ask, 'Why did her sister say that?' But as we talked more, I realized that the real question might not be 'why' at all.

Why Asking "Why?" Isn’t Always the Answer

We often hear advice like, 'Put yourself in their shoes,' or 'Try to understand where they’re coming from.' Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication encourages understanding others' needs to build empathy. These are good suggestions, but they only take us so far. I wanted to look at it differently. The curious kid in me wanted to dig deeper, almost like solving a puzzle.

What if we could consider all the factors behind what someone says? Culture, experiences, upbringing, and genetics all shape how a person thinks. Our brains are incredibly complex, with around 86 billion neurons forming countless connections through our experiences. When we learn, these connections grow stronger. Then there are the 20,000 genes that influence our traits and behaviors. All of this makes it clear why understanding someone's exact motives can be so complicated.

This led me to a realization. I remember feeling frustrated because it seemed so logical to ask 'why,' but the more I thought about it, the less it made sense. If we wanted to truly understand the 'why,' we would need to consider so many variables that predicting someone's exact motive would be nearly impossible. It’s like trying to solve an equation with too many unknowns. Each person's experiences, culture, and genetic wiring make them unique, and understanding the precise 'why' behind their words would require knowing all these factors. It was a humbling thought.

The Epiphany: Shifting Focus to What Matters

Instead of getting lost in the endless 'why,' which often left us feeling drained, we found a way to focus our energy more purposefully. We asked ourselves, 'Is this important to me?' This shift in focus made a huge difference.

Think back to a recent conversation that left you feeling uneasy. Was focusing on 'why' actually helpful, or did it make things harder? Letting go of needing to understand every detail felt like a weight lifting off our shoulders. It brought us a sense of freedom we hadn't realized we were missing. For us, prioritizing what mattered, like our family, health, and happiness, became more important than getting stuck in endless analysis.

Later, we came across Viktor Frankl's ideas about finding meaning in how we choose to respond, and it all made sense. Choosing how we respond, rather than obsessing over why something happened, is what gives us control over our well-being. Focusing on what we could control made it easier to let go of unnecessary emotional burdens and put our energy where it truly mattered.

We realized that some things aren’t worth the toll on our mental well-being. In this case, Sahar’s sister was important to us, so we chose to engage. The next question became, 'What do we do to help?' In the end, focusing on what we could control, instead of every detail of 'why,' helped us find peace and move forward in a positive way.

A Practical Framework for Navigating Conversations

Through our discussion, we developed a simple framework to help us navigate difficult conversations and manage emotions effectively. We needed a different approach, so we came up with a set of simple questions we could ask ourselves, grouped into four clear phases:

Step 1: Assess Importance

• "Is this important to me?"

Step 2: Determine Potential for Impact:

• "Can I make a positive difference?"

Step 3: Evaluate Boundaries

• "Do I understand their needs, and can I help without sacrificing myself?"

Step 4: Decide on Action

• "What can I do right now to move forward positively?"

Step 5: Evaluate Outcome

• "Did my action lead to a positive change? What can I learn from it?"*

This simple shift allowed us to prioritize emotional energy and make conscious decisions about how to engage. We like to call this the I-CARE Framework, which stands for:

• Importance: Is this important to me?
• Consider Impact:?Can I make a positive difference?
• Assess Needs: Do I understand their needs, and can I help without sacrificing myself?
• Respond: What can I do right now to move forward positively?
• Evaluate Outcome: Did my action lead to a positive change? What can I learn from it?

Applying the Framework in Real Life

This framework has helped us in both personal and professional relationships. Whether dealing with a challenging family member or receiving critical feedback at work, these questions help us focus on what truly matters. Using this approach brought an immediate sense of relief. Suddenly, I wasn’t caught in an endless loop of questioning motives. Instead, I could decide how to move forward. It prevents our internal 'judge' from taking over and making decisions based on assumptions or negative thinking.

We found that the key isn’t to understand every nuance of someone else’s mind. It’s about deciding how we want to respond. Should we engage, let go, or offer support? Making these conscious choices allows us to prioritize emotional well-being, effective communication, and empathy.

Conclusion

This journey has taught us that managing our emotions doesn't require understanding every detail of why others act the way they do. It's about choosing how we respond. Visualizing the complex formula our brain uses to make decisions helps us manage our emotions better. It reminds us not to take things personally. With billions of variables, such as neurons, experiences, culture, and genetics, the chance of our assumptions being correct is almost zero. By focusing on what truly matters, we have found more peace, clarity, and connection in our relationships.

I hope this insight, this framework, can help others as it has helped us. The next time you find yourself hurt by someone’s words, consider asking yourself not just why they said it, but whether it even matters. If it does, think about what you can do about it. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences with this approach.