Stop Arguing to Change Minds—Here’s What Works Instead

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Two years ago, I attended a session at a conference led by Irshad Manji on the topic of divisive social issues.

Manji is a globally recognized educator, author, and founder of the Moral Courage Project, which equips people to tackle divisive issues with a combination of honesty and empathy. Born and raised Muslim, Manji first garnered attention, and significant backlash, for writing a book calling for reform of Islam in the wake of the September 11 attacks.

Manji drew frequent, fierce criticism for the book, titled The Trouble with Islam Today. For a while, she responded to her critics with intense arguments and defensiveness. But Manji quickly realized that her aggressive approach wasn’t changing any minds and left her feeling ill and exhausted.

Manji eventually sought a better way to discuss divisive issues. After studying neuroscience and psychology, she developed a method for bridging divides with empathy and moral courage, rather than labels and anger, and began teaching that approach to groups around the world.

In the session I attended, Manji demonstrated a powerful role-playing exercise. Manji adopted the persona of an openly prejudiced individual and invited volunteers from the audience to try to reason with her. Predictably, attendees’ attempts to “win” the argument failed, as Manji had a counter for every point. Several confrontations almost became heated.

Everything changed when an attendee named Wombi Rose, CEO of Lovepop, tried a different approach. Instead of escalating the conflict, he asked Manji’s character to sit down next to him, then asked her a series of nonjudgmental questions to help him understand her position. His empathetic approach disarmed Manji’s character and revealed the pain and trauma that had led to her prejudiced beliefs.

The moment profoundly demonstrated how understanding someone’s perspective—rather than villainizing them and arguing with them—can lead to meaningful dialogue and, eventually, healing.

Having made her point, Manji shared her “Moral Courage Framework,” a method for engaging with people we disagree with, through listening, empathy, and curiosity. She explained why too many DEI and social justice efforts ignore these principles, inadvertently increasing division by triggering defensive responses, as evidenced by well-documented findings from behavioral research on human threat perception.

Manji closed the session by sharing a documentary she produced called Mississippi Turning, which depicted the 2020 movement to change the Mississippi state flag, which featured the Confederate emblem. The video followed the story of two unlikely collaborators: Genesis Be, a Black recording artist known for her fiery protests, and Louis, a southern working-class white man steadfast in his opposition to change. Both were deeply entrenched in their positions and combative in their views—until they were brought together in person for a civil conversation.

Genesis Be and Louis’ dialogue began not with arguments but with questions. Genesis Be asked Louis, “How does that flag make you feel?” Louis responded, “It makes me feel at home,” then reciprocated the question. Genesis Be shared that the flag made her feel unwelcome, even in her own home and explained why. This empathetic exchange helped pave the way for Louis to change his mind, something that likely wouldn’t have happened had Genesis Be attacked Louis, which is what would typically happen in a real or online debate.

Manji’s Moral Courage Framework reminded me of the subject of several other Friday Forwards. I thought of Daryl Davis, a Black musician who befriended members of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and persuaded over 100 Klansmen to renounce their membership. I remembered ?zlem Cekic, a Danish politician who gave a TEDx talk titled “Why I Have Coffee with People Who Send Me Hate Mail.” I recalled Rabbi Michael Weisser, who befriended the grand wizard of the KKK in his small Nebraska town, demonstrating how compassion and listening can quell division and hatred.

These stories underscore a simple but profound truth: combating intolerance and solving differences begins with empathy, not outrage. Changing minds requires seeking to understand the hearts and history of people with different beliefs.

In a polarized world, the ability to confront intolerance with empathy has never been more vital. Real understanding and progress stem from the courage to listen, the humility to ask questions, and the willingness to see others as human—even when their views may at first seem abhorrent. This is the only solution that has ever really succeeded in bridging divides and bringing people together.

I highly recommend listening to my conversation with Manji on the Elevate Podcast.

Quote of The Week

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” - Winston Churchill

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About Me

Robert Glazer is a serial entrepreneur, award-winning executive, bestselling author, and keynote speaker. He has a passion for helping individuals and organizations build their capacity and elevate their performance.

Learn more at www.robertglazer.com